Copyright,  J895, 

by 
UNITED  STATES  BOOK  COMPANY* 


The  kindness  extended  to  the  write?  by  the  re 
viewers  of  the  preceding:  volume,  "  Chimmie  Fadden, 
Major  Max,  and  Other  Stories/*  prompted  in  some 
degree,  doubtless,  by  fraternal  good  will,  has  been 
justified,  happily,  by  the  sale  of  the  book,  and  its 
popularity  with  those  whose  opinions  the  critical  would 
most  respect* 

The  story  "Mr*  Fannie  Hallowell,"  included 
herewith,  has  not  been  published  hitherto*  The 
44 Fadden  "  and  "Max"  sketches  appeared  first  in  the 
New  York  "Sun";  the  others,  with  the  exception 
mentioned,  were  printed  first  in  the  San  Francisco 
"Argonaut" 

THE  AUTHOR. 


i * 


CONTENTS. 

CHIMMIE  FADDEN  STORIES. 

The  Wedding  of  Miss  Fannie,  «      7 

An  Impromptu  Comedy,   *        .  *        *        J5 

When  it  Doesn't  Rain  in  London,  *        *    25 

A  Sporty  Boston  Boy,      *        *  .        *        3J 

A  Kiss  is  Fair  Game,  ,        «        *  *        .    4f 

The  Little  Miss  Fannie,  *        49 

At  the  Ulalee  Club,  ,    55 

The  False  Vaudeville  Star,  63 

Chimmie  and  Little  Miss  Fannie,  *        ,    73 

The  Duchess  Plays  Even,         .  *        *        81 

Mr*  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow,  *    9J 

Miss  Fannie's  Music  Gale,  *      JOf 

Degeneracy  of  His  Whiskers,       *  .        *  JU 

As  to  Sans-Gene, H9 

MAJOR  MAX  STORIES. 

The  Pride  of  a  Setter  Pup,          .  .        ,129 

At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee,  .      135 

The  Sovereign  Alchemist,  .        .  J47 


Contents. 

AGE 

That  the  Wisest  Suffer  Most,  .      153 

The  Squaring  of  Bob, 161 

The  Mystery  of  Man  and  Mushrooms,  *  169 
The  Emancipation  of  Mrs*  Max,  »  *  Ml 
Snails  and  Paternalism,  *  .  *  *  187 
Mrs*  Max's  Flirtation, 195 

OTHER  STORIES* 

How  the  Other  Half  Dies,  .      203 

At  L'Hotel  de  Blank, 217 

"Where  Sorrow  Has  Trodden,"  *  *  225 
The  Way  K*  B*  Came  into  Camp,  *  .  231 
Mr*  Fannie  Hallowell,  •  241 


The  Wedding  of  Miss  Fannie. 


ID  I  never  tell  you  bout  de  weddin 
of  Miss  Fannie  and  Mr* 
Burton?  No?  Say*  are  you 
on  t'  me  sayin  'you'  stid  of 
'ye'?  Dat's  de  Duchess's 
doin*  She's  dead  stuck  on 
me  talkin  like  a  dude*  I  was 
tellin  Mr*  Burton  bout  it  de  odder  day*  and 
he  says*  says  he*  *  Chames*'  he  says*  *  Chames, 
I'll  teach  you  t'  talk  what  de  Duchess  is  pleased 
t'  designate ' — dem's  his  very  lanwudge ; '  pleased 
t'  designate ' ;  ain't  he  a  corker  ? — *  is  pleased  t' 
designate  de  dude  lanwudge  if  you'll  teach  me 
your  talk*' 

44  Say*  honest*  dat  broke  me  all  up*  cause  I 
never  taut  I  talked  no  diffrunt  from  him*  I  taut 
it  was  cause  de  Duchess  was  forn  she  couldn't 
get  onto  me  talk*  Wasn't  I  raised  right  on  de 
Bowry  ?  If  dey  don't  talk  American  dere*  I'd 
like  t'  know  wot  fell!  Dat's  all  I'd  like  t' 
know* 

44  Sometimes  I  taut  it  was  cause  I  didn't  use 
no  big  words  dat  de  Duchess  was  kickin*  but 
when  I  told  Mr*  Burton  t'  tell  me  on  de  dead 
level  what  was  de  matter  wid  me  talk*  he  said 
not  to  bodder  bout  it ;  dat  after  I  was  round  wid 


THE 

WEDDING 

MISS 

FANNIE. 


The  Wedding  of  Miss  Fannie. 

him  a  year,  he  taut  Yd  be  so  dudy  de  Duchess 
wouldn't  know  me* 

44  But  what  do  you  tink  she  makes  me  do  ? 
Every  night  I  has  t'  practise  like  I  was  a 
actor,  sayin  '  you/  '  him/  '  his/  '  her/  '  a/  '  of/ 
for  half  a  hour*  Say*  Fd  have  a  fit  wid  it  if  it 
wasn't  for  de  fun  I  gets  outter  de  Duchess  tryin 
t'  teach  me  t'  say  dem  words  like  '  the '  and 
4  think*'  She  says  4  zz '  an'  4  zink/  and  gets 
near  crazy  cause  I  tell  her  dat's  dago  and  worse 
dan  me*  I  always  say* 4  think/  don't  I  ?  No  ? 
Well*  I  do  when  I  tink  it  in  time*  sure* 

"  Well*  dat  wasn't  what  I  was  goin  t'  tell  you 
bout,  only  I  taut  if  I  didn't  tell  you,  you  might 
tink  I  was  gettin  stuck  up,  hearin  all  me  dude 
talk  andnotknowinit  was  t'  please  de  Duchess* 

"It  was  bout  Miss  Fannie's  weddin  I  was 
goin  t'  tell  you*  Say,  it  was  a  Chim  dandy*  and 
de  Duchess  and  me  seed  it  from  behind  some 
trees  in  de  music-room,  where  dere  was  a  band* 
Dose  trees  was  palm  trees  what  grows  in  tubs, 
cept  in  forn  parts,  where  dey  grows  out  in  de 
country  where  dere  is  cocoanuts  and  tigers,  and 
tings  like  dat* 

"Dere  wasn't  many  folks  at  de  weddin, 
cause  Miss  Fannie  and  Mr*  Burton  was  scared,  I 
guess  was  de  reason*  Why,  dey  was  <^at  scared 
dey  had  to  be  stood  up  wid*  Sure*  Dere  was  a 
lady  stood  up  wid  Miss  Fannie,  and  a  mug 


The  Wedding  of  Miss  Fannie. 

stood  up  wid  Mr.  Burton,  but  de  Duchess,  she 
says  it  was  only  for  style ;  like  you  might  stand 
in  a  corner  of  de  ring  when  your  friend  is  doin 
a  scrap.  See  ? 

44  De  weddin  was  in  de  daytime,  cause  dat's 
style,  too,  and  I  helped  Mr.  Burton  t'  get  into 
his  togs,  and  de  Duchess  she  helped  Miss  Fan 
nie.  Mr.  Burton  near  set  me  crazy  wid  puttin 
on  and  takin  off  his  close,  till  he'd  put  on  bout  a 
million  diffrunt  shirts,  and  near  as  many  coats 
and  pants ;  and  den  he  was  kickin  cause  they 
didn't  look  right.  I  don't  tink  he  ever  would 
get  dressed  only  de  mug  wot  was  goin  t'  stand 
up  wid  him  he  comes  chasin  up  where  we  was 
tryin  on  new  pants  in  Mr.  Burton's  rooms,  and 
he  pipes  off  Mr.  Burton  and  says :  4  Holly  gee ! ' 
says  he— not  in  dem  words,  but  dat's  what  dey 
meaned— he  says:  4 Holly  gee,  old  chap,  you 
look  like  you  v/as  goin  t'  marry  a  ghost,  stid 
of  de  prettiest  girl  in  New  York.  What's  de 
matter  wid  your  nerve?'  says  he,  and  den: 
'What's  de  matter  wid  a  small  bottle ?' 

"He  was  a  great  jollier,  dat  mug — it 
was  Mr.  Paul — for  in  a  minute  he  had  picked 
out  some  close  and  says  dey*s  de  close,  and 
dey  was,  sure;  and  den  he  tells  me  t*  get 
a  small  bottle  outter  de  ice-chest,  and  in  a 
nodder  minute  he  had  Mr*  Burton  all  braced 
and  grinnku 

9 


The  Wedding  of  Miss  Fannie. 

44  But  let  me  tell  you  someting  funny ;  it 
was  just  de  odder  way  wid  Miss  Fannie,  so  de 
Duchess  was  tellin  me*  She  got  Miss  Fannie 
all  dressed,  and  she  was  as  cool  as  a  ice-wagon 
when  de  lady  who  was  t'  stand  up  in  her  corner 
comes  in,  and  den  dey  falls  in  each  odder's  arms 
and  cries  like  dere  was  a  funeral*  What  do  you 
tink  of  it  ? 

44  De  lady  never  jollied  her,  only  just  had 
weeps  in  her  eyes,  and  Miss  Fannie  she  never 
said  nottin,  but  just  had  weeps  in  her  eyes* 

44 1  asked  de  Duchess  why  didn't  she  open 
a  small  bottle  for  dem,  and  de  Duchess  says 
what  did  she  want  t'  spoil  de  fun  for* 

44  Dat's  de  way  wid  women ;  if  you  try  t' 
find  out  what  dey  do  or  don't  do  tings  for,  you're 
worse  off  your  base  dan  before*  See  ?  De  best 
way  is  t'  take  em  as  you  find  em,  and  try  not 
go  crazy  tinkin  bout  it*  Dat's  right* 

44  Mr*  Burton  and  me  and  de  mug  went  up 
t*  de  house  early,  and  de  Duchess  she  came 
downstairs  and  showed  how  everyting  was 
fixed,  and  dey  was  fixed  up  tf  de  limit*  Dere 
was  flowers  and  de  band,  and  a  alley  tru  de  par 
lor  made  wid  wite  ribbons,  and  dere  was  lots 
of  little  tables  in  de  dinin-room  and  de  music- 
room,  where  de  folks  was  tf  get  grub  after  de 
wedding,  and  dere  was  his  Whiskers*  Say, 
you  otter  seed  his  Whiskers!  He  was  tellin 

10 


The  Wedding  of  Miss  Fannie. 

Mr*  Burton  t'  be  good  to  Miss  Fannie,  askin  de 
best  man  did  he  nave  de  ring  and  de  license, 
and  de  envelope  for  de  parson*  Jollyin  de  Duch 
ess  and  stringin  me,  and  all  de  time  I  was  dead 
on  t*  him,  cause  he  was  doin  all  dose  tings  for 
a  bluff*  His  Whiskers  is  a  dead  sport  mostly, 
but  dat  mornin  he  came  near  bein  a  quitter* 

44  De  best  man  was  onto  him,  too,  and  he 
got  him  out  in  de  dinin-room  for  a  small  bottle* 
Say,  dat  mug  is  a  wonder  for  small  bottles,  sure* 
Wedder  someting  happens  or  someting  don't 
happen  he  always  says,  '  What's  de  matter  wid 
a  small  bottle?' 

44  He's  a  farmer—I  don't  tink* 

44  Well,  when  all  de  folks  was  dere,  and  de 
band  began  a  tune,  what  de  Duchess  said  was  a 
weddin  march  from  4  Lonegrin,'  which  I  don't 
know  where  it  is,  only  I  knowed  it  wasn't  from 
Coney  Island,  den  Miss  Fannie  and  his  Whis 
kers  wid  de  lady  and  dat  small-bottle  mug 
comes  walkin  tru  de  alley  t'  where  de  parson 
was* 

44 1  never  seed  no  real  angels,  but  I  guess  if 
dey's  as  beautiful  as  I  hear  tell,  den  dey  must 
look  like  Miss  Fannie  when  Mr*  Burton  stepped 
up  and  took  her  from  her  fadder*  I  was  tinkin 
as  I  was  lookin  at  her  tru  de  palm  trees  dat 
I  had  someting  t'  do  wid  bringin  dem  togedder, 
and  dat  if  Mr*  Burton  wasn't  good  t  Miss 


The  Wedding  of  Miss  Fannie. 

Fannie  I'd  put  a  knock-out  pill  in  his  cocktail* 
I  guess  I  was  gettin  silly  tinkin  dose  fool 
tings  when  de  Duchess  pinched  me  and  whis 
pers  :  *  Mon  doo !  Chimmie,'  she  says, 4  see  dat 
woman  by  the  piano*  Her  hat  ain't  on  straight ! f 

"  De  Duchess  and  me  didn't  go  wid  em  on 
dere  weddin  journey,  and  de  Duchess  was  all 
broke  up,  cause  she  said  Miss  Fannie  never 
could  get  dressed  widout  her  t'  help*  But  I 
guess  dey  didn't  have  no  trouble,  cause  dey 
came  chasin  home  all  right* 

"When  dey  come  back  I  says,  says  I: 
'How  de  do,  Miss  Fannie?'  I  says,  and  de 
Duchess  she  calls  me  down  hard*  'She  is 
Madam  Burtong,'  says  de  Duchess,  loofcin  like 
she'd  take  a  fall  outter  me* 

44  Say,  what  do  you  tink  Miss  Fannie  says  ? 
She's  a  dead  sport*  She  says :  4  I'd  radder  be 
Miss  Fannie  t'  Chames/  she  says,  like  dat,  see  ? 


An  Impromptu  Comedy. 


AY,  was  I  tellin  you  bout  dat 
bull  pup? 

"Wait  till  I  ast  you* 
Who's  dat  Farmer  Dunn  de 
papers  has  all  de  pieces  in  about 
him?  He's  a  farmer  on  de 
dead  square — I  don't  tink* 
"Miss  Fannie  was  goin  t'  give  a  house 
party  de  odder  day,  which  was  t'  last  tree  days, 
wid  felleys  and  ladies  t'  come  down  from  de 
city  to  our  house  in  de  country,  where  we  is 
stayin  since  Miss  Fannie  came  back  from  her 
weddin  journey* 

"  Well,  as  I  was  tellin  you,  Miss  Fannie 
wanted  it  t'  snow  for  de  house  party,  so  as  de 
folks  what  comes  down  from  de  city  could  have 
sleighin  and  slidin  and  all  dose  tings  what  dey 
don't  has  in  de  city,  and  what  makes  you  feel  all 
de  better  when  you  aint  in  it,  but  is  sittin  round 
de  big  log  fire  in  de  hall,  wid  Mr*  Paul  kinder 
loafin  round  t'  see  dat  no  one  don't  die  of  de 
tirst* 

"Say,  dat  Mr*  Paul  is  de  funniest  mug 
you  ever  see*  He  ain't  fraid  of  nottin  in  de 
world  cept  dat  somebody  will  die  of  tirst*  He 
has  some  potry  he  speaks,  what  was  writ  by  a 

15 


AN 

IMPROMPTU 

COMEDY. 


An  Impromptu  Comedy. 

kinder  Dago,  near  as  I  can  make  out,  more 
years  ago  dan  when  de  steam  cars  came  down 
de  Bowry. 

44  Here's  de  way  it  goes,  someting  like  dis. 
See? 

«  Drink— 

"Dat's  de  way  it  starts* 

*  Drink,  for  you're  not  on  t*  where  you  sneaks  from, 

nor  what  was  de  reason  why— 

"  Dat's  de  first  line,  only  not  quite  de  way 
Mr.  Paul  says  it ;  but  it's  what  de  Dago  was 
gettin  at  when  he  writ  de  piece.  Den  he  says : 

«  Drink— 

44  See,  dats  de  way  de  second  line  begins ; 
just  de  same  as  de  first.  Now  watch — 

"  Drink,  for  you  don't  know  where  you'll  skate  to, 
nor  when  youll  get  de  trow  down* 

44 Say,  dat's  pretty  slick,  ain't  it?  Well, 
Mr.  Paul  is  always  spoutin  dat  and  den  kinder 
lookin  round  t'  see  if  it  don't  give  his  Whiskers 
a  tirst,  which  it  mostly  does. 

"So  one  day  Mr.  Burton,  what's  Miss 
Fannie's  husband,  he  says  t'  Mr.  Paul,  says  he, 

*  Paul,'  he  says, 4  I'm  sure  you  must  be  pretty  fit 
for  writin  potry  yourself;    you  recites  it  so 
beautiful/  says  Mr.  Burton. 

16 


An  Impromptu  Comedy. 

"Den  Miss  Fannie  laughs  in  de  easy  little 
way  what  she  laughs — like  when  de  mug  what 
plays  de  flute  has  de  music  all  t'  himself  when 
de  odder  mugs  in  de  orchestra  don't  do  nottin, 
and  she  says:  'I  know  dat  Mr*  Paul  has  a 
swift  Peg  Gussie' — which  I  don't  know  wedder 
dats  a  bull  pup  or  a  quarter  horse — '  for  he  uster 
write  lovely  potry  t'  me/  says  Miss  Fannie, 
'  when  I  was  a  little  goil/ 

"Den  Mr*  Burton  and  his  Whiskers  dey 
laughed  till  dey  near  had  fits,  and  Mr*  Paul  he 
looks  solemn,  and  he  says  dat  dose  was  only 
practice  balls,  t'  get  down  t'  his  curves ;  but  dat 
he'd  done  some  real  ballplaying  wid  Peg  Gus- 
sie  since  den ;  what  makes  me  tink  dat  Gussie 
must  be  one  of  dem  new  players  dey's  signin 
for  de  New  York  nine* 

"  Well,  Miss  Fannie  says  for  Mr*  Fault' 
read  his  piece,  and  he  sends  me  up  t'  his  room 
after  a  lot  of  paper  on  what  de  potry  he  writ 
was  wrote* 

"Say,  I  made  all  kinds  of  bluffs  bout  de 
room,  like  I  was  gettin  busy  wid  doin  tings, 
just  t'  hear  Mr*  Paul  read  dat  piece,  for  it  was 
outer  sight*  It  was  good  as  anyting  I  ever 
heard  on  top  of  de  stage  in  de  Bowry  teeater* 
Sure*  It  was  up  t'  de  limit*  It  was  a  play, 
see  ?  And  Mr*  Paul  he  spoke  all  de  pieces  what 
de  different  folks  had  t'  say* 

17 


An  Impromptu  Comedy. 

"I  knowed  it  would  kill  em  dead;  and 
when  Mr*  Paul  was  done  Miss  Fannie  said 
dat  de  folks  what  was  comin  from  de  city  would 
play  de  play,  and  we'd  have  it  in  de  room  what 
we  calls  de  music-room* 

"  Well,  dat's  de  way  it  was*  Dat  Farmer 
Dunn  I  was  tellin  you  of,  he  knows  his  business, 
for  he  sent  de  snow  Miss  Fannie  was  wantin, 
and  de  folks  what  come  t'  de  house  party  dey 
had  more  fun  dan  a  circus  slidin  and  sleighin 
and  snowballin  till  de  first  evenin,  when  Miss 
Fannie  sprung  de  play  on  dem*  Den  dey  all 
didn't  do  nottin  but  just  get  stagestruck*  Mr. 
Paul  was  de  boss,  what  dey  call  de  stage  mana 
ger,  and  I  was  propty  man,  and  de  Duchess 
was  de  costumer,  and  Miss  Fannie  was  de 
prompter,  so  dere  never  was  a  minute  de 
Duchess  and  me  wasn't  in  it,  which  we  mostly  is* 

44  Say,  dose  folks  was  so  dead  stuck  on  it 
dat  dey  hardly  laid  off  long  enough  to  eat  dere 
grub*  Miss  Fannie  she  gives  a  bid  for  all  de 
swell  folks  what  lives  down  near  where  we  does 
t'  come  t'  de  show,  and  on  de  night  we  gives  it 
de  music-room  was  jammed  like  a  cable  car, 
and  all  of  us  what  was  behind  de  stage  was  like 
chickens  widout  no  heads,  cept  Mr*  Paul,  who 
was  cool  as  a  small  bottle* 

"Dere  was  one  Willie-boy  in  de  play  what 
had  a  scene  wid  a  lady  dat  I  was  dead  stuck 

18 


An  Impromptu  Comedy. 

on;  I  mean  de  scene  I  was  stuck  on,  not  de 
lady,  cause  he  had  such  a  corking  piece  t'  say 
t'  her. 

44 1  knowed  his  lines  better  dan  he  did  wid 
hearin  him  say  dem.  De  lady  she  fcnowed  her 
business,  too,  but  de  Willie-boy  was  furder  off 
dan  Sandy  Hook* 

44  Well,  on  de  evenin  of  de  play  I  seen  dat 
little  dude  tankin  up  like  he  had  a  real  man's 
tirst  on*  Mr*  Paul  seen  it,  too,  and  he  says  t' 
me,  says  he,  'Chames,'  he  says,  'keep  de  small 
bottles  away  from  dat  boy  or  we'll  have  t'  carry 
him  on  de  stage/  he  says. 

"Say,  dat  gives  me  a  jolt  in  me  tinker, 
see?  I  was  tinkin  dat  if  de  Willie-boy  got 
a  load  on  I'd  speak  his  piece,  and  paralyze 
de  folks.  Well,  1  never  hoped  t'  paralyze  em 
de  way  I  did.  When  de  time  was  comin 
near  for  de  curtain  t'  be  pulled  up  by  his 
Whiskers — what  dat  was  his  job — everybody 
was  so  busy  dey  forgot  de  dude,  cept  me;  and 
I  wasn't  doin  nottin  but  just  touchin  me  fore'd 
and  sayin,  quiet  and  polite  like,  'Glass  of  wine, 
sir?' 

44  Pretty  soon  he  was  so  muggy  in  his  little 
head  he  didn't  know  wedder  he  was  in  West- 
chester  county  or  Hoboken,  and  I  was  just 
tankin  him  along  till  he  was  clean  dead  t'  de 
woild. 

19 


An  Impromptu  Comedy. 

"Say,  dat's  de  time  I  got  in  me  smood 
work*  I  took  de  long  coat  he  had  t'  wear,  and 
de  big  soft  dicer  wio  a  fedder  into  it,  and  de 
mustache  and  goatee  and  de  sword,  and  I  puts 
em  on*  See  ? 

"Well,  de  play  was  goin  long  like  a 
ambiance — it  was  knockin  de  folks  silly — when 
de  lady  de  dude  was  t'  say  his  piece  wid  gives 
his  cue,  what's  de  word  for  him  t'  get  a  move  on. 

44  Say,  me  heart  was  tumpm  de  ribs  outter 
me  nearly  and  de  audince  was  still  as  a  mice, 
for  de  dude  has  money  t'  burn  a  wet  dog  wid, 
and  was  sweet  on  dat  lady  besides.  De  lady 
gives  de  cue  again,  but  Willie  was  just  snorin 
in  de  corner,  so  I  says  t'  meself,  '  Chimmie,'  I 
says,  4  here's  where  you  does  yourself  proud/ 
and  I  rushes  on  de  stage.  De  lady  wasn't  on  t' 
me,  needer  was  de  audince,  but  I  heard  Mr. 
Paul  and  Miss  Fannie  give  a  groan;  but  me 
once  bein  in  de  ring,  I  couldn't  lock  back. 

44  Me  business  was  t'  skate  up  t'  de  lady, 
kneel  down,  grab  her  hand,  which  was  what  I 
done,  and  den  I  says : 

44  Needer  war  nor  war's  alarms, 

Flood,  nor  fire,  nor  friend,  nor  foe, 
Can  detain  me  from  your  charms — 

"But,  holly  gee!  Just  den  I  seed  de 
Duchess  in  de  wings,  havin  seven  fits,  and  I 


An  Impromptu  Comedy. 

dean  forgot  de  next  line,  and  so  I  yells  out,  just 
t*  make  up  de  jingle : 

44 Lady,  lady,  let  her  go! 

"Den  de  audince  was  howlin,  and  near 
bustin  derselfs  wid  laughin,  but  de  lady  on  de 
stage  was  so  rattled  bout  her  own  business  dat 
she  never  tumbled  what  was  up,  and  she  gives 
me  a  kiss,  what  was  what  she  had  t'  do,  and 
den  de  curtain  come  down  wid  all  de  folks 
chokin  derselves  blue* 

"Say,  when  de  curtain  was  down  Miss 
Fannie  comes  t'  me  cryin*  Mr,  Paul  looks  like  he 
was  going  t'  scrap  wid  me  right  dere,  and  his 
Whiskers  was  lookin  he  didn't  know  what  t'ell* 

"Den  de  lady  began  t'  tumble, and  sheasts 
what  t'ell,  only  not  dose  words,  and  I  says  I 
only  went  on  cause  de  gent  what  was  t'  speak 
de  piece  was  tired*  Say,  what  do  you  tink  dat 
lady  done?  She's  a  dead  game  sport,  she  is* 
She  went  over  t'  de  corner  where  de  Willie-boy 
was  snoozing,  gives  him  a  look,  and  comes 
back  t*  Miss  Fannie,  and  says  dat  she  wanted 
de  play  finished  wid  me  in  de  part*  4  Yd  radder 
go  on  wid  a  sober  man  dan  a  drunken  gentle 
man,'  says  she,  lookin  kinder  wite  round  de 
gills* 

"  Say,  dafs  what  we  done*  Fm  givin  it  to 
you  straight  De  lady  says  t'  me, '  Chames/ 

31 


An  Impromptu  Comedy. 

says  she,  'I  guess  Mr,  Paul  didn't  write  our 
scenes  for  comic  scenes,  but  we'll  give  em  dat 
way/  says  she,  sure, 

"Say,  I  showed  em  what  was  actin,  I 
give  em  de  real  Bowry  touch,  Dat's  right, 
De  lady  was  dead  game  sport,  and  we  killed  de 
whole  audince  dead  every  time  we  was  on, 

44  Early  de  next  day  dat  Willie-boy  chases 
back  t'  de  city,  and  dere  wasn't  nobody  up  t'  see 
him  off,  needer.  But,  say,  he  was  kinder 
sporty  himself,  for  he  never  give  it  away  dat  it 
was  me  what  tanked  him  up»  I'd  lose  me  job 
if  he  did/' 


22 


When  it  Doesn't  Rain  in  London* 


ELL,  did  you  see  what  de  papers  WHEN  IT 
is  printin  bout  de  dudes'  close?  £°f*N  J 
I  mean  dose  pieces  what  says  LONDON. 
what  mug  has  de  dead  cinch 
on  bein  de  dandiest  dresser  on 
de  avnoo? 

Say,  what's  de  matter 


wid  me  in  dat  game  ?  I  wears,  when  I  comes  t* 
town,  Mr*  Paul's  close,  and  me  and  him  is  just 
a  fit,  cept  dat  I  has  t'  turn  up  his  pants  bout  a 
mile,  and  his  sleeves  comes  over  me  knuckles* 
Dat's  right*  He's  de  longest  slim-chim  you 
ever  see* 

"He  seed  me  de  odder  day  when  I  was  all 
harnessed  up  in  his  close  t'  come  in  t'  de  Dog 
Show  t'  see  could  I  get  track  of  a  good  bull  pup 
what  Mr*  Paul  wants  t'  give  t'  Miss  Fannie* 
Was  I  tellin  you  bout  dat  bull  pup  ? 

"Well,  he  sees  me,  and  he  looks  at  me 
solem-like,  and  he  says  t'  me,  says  he,  'Chames,'  he 
says,  'hold  up  de  tails  of  your  overcoat/  he  says* 

"'What  for?'  says  I;  and  he  says,  'I 
wants  t'  see  how  far  your  trousers  is  turned  up ;' 
what  is  what  he  calls  pants* 

"Den  I  hoists  me  overcoat  like  I  was  a 
lady  crossin  de  streets  in  de  mud,  and  Mr*  Paul 


When  It  Doesn't  Rain  in  London. 

looks  at  me  pants,  what  was  turned  up  back  so 
dat  de  bottoms  was  near  me  knees,  dey  being 
his  pants,  like  I  was  tellin  you  what  he  give  t' 
me,  and  he  looks  at  dem  a  while,  smokin  his 
cigar  like  he  was  tinkin,  and  den  he  says,  says 
he,  'Chames/  he  says,  'if  de  little  boys  in  de 
club  windows  ever  seen  you  in  dose  trousers 
widout  de  overcoat  hidin  de  roll-up,  you'd  break 
dere  hearts/  he  says, '  cause  den  dey*d  know  dat 
none  of  dem  wasn't  no  longer  in  de  race  t'  be 
king  of  de  dudes/ 

"Say,  I  taut  he  was  just  stringin  me,  and  I 
only  touches  me  hat  and  says  dat  Fd  keep  me 
coat  on  so's  I  wouldn't  break  dere  hearts  wid  me 
pants,  and  den  I  forgot  bout  it  and  come  down  t' 
de  Dog  Show  wid  de  Duchess,  what  had  some 
errants  t'  do  for  Miss  Fannie. 

"What  do  you  tink  happens  den?  Say, 
dis  is  straight.  De  Duchess  and  me  was  skatin 
round  de  show,  and  I  was  near  dead  wid  de 
heat,  so  I  took  oft  me  overcoat  and  carried  it  on 
me  arm*  De  first  ting  I  knowd  everywhere  de 
Duchess  and  me  stopped  t'  look  at  a  dog  dere 
was  always  a  lot  of  dose  little  Willie-boys*  Dey 
would  come  and  stand  round  wid  dere  sticks  in 
dere  mouts  and  dere  eyes  open  like  dolls* 
Pretty  soon  I  says  f  de  Duchess,  *  What  t'ell ! ' 
I  says.  'Does  dese  kids  tink  we  is  farmers,  or 
what  t'ell?'  says  L 


When  It  Doesn't  Rain  in  London. 

"Den  de  Duchess  looks  at  de  little  dudes, 
den  she  looks  at  me,  and  when  she  seen  me 
pants  what  went  all  de  way  down  to  me  heels 
and  back  again  t'  me  knees,  she  give  me  de 
wink  t'  look  at  de  Willie  boys* 

"Say,  I  taut  Fd  have  a  fit*  Sure*  Every 
one  of  dose  muglets  had  turned  up  his  pants  as  far 
as  mine,  and  dat  left  all  dere  stockings  on  show. 
Dey  was  all  lookin  as  puzzled  as  if  some  one  had 
suddent  asked  em  what  day  it  was,  or  some- 
ting  hard,  like  dat,  and  after  a  while  one  of  em 
comes  up  t'  me,  and  he  says,  'Beg  pahdon,'  he 
says,  like  de  way  dey  talk,  you  know,  'beg 
pahdon/  says  he,  'but  would  you  mind  tellin  me 
how  you  do  it?' 

"How  I  does  what,  Willie?'  I  says*  Den 
he  says:  'Beg  pahdon,  my  name's  not  Willie; 
it's  Chawley*  How  do  you  turn  your  trousers 
up  t'  your  knees,  and  keep  em  down  t'  your 
shoes  at  de  same  time  ? '  he  says* 

"  All  de  other  little  dudes  crowded  round  t' 
hear  how  I  done  it,  and  dey  near  made  me  crazy 
wid  de  way  dey  didn't  wink,  never* 

"Den  I  says:  'Children,'  I  says,  solemn 
as  de  Judge  in  de  Tombs,  says  I,  '  Children,  I 
has  me  pants  made  a  extra  foot  long  on  purpose, 
and  dats  de  way  I  does  it*' 

*  Dey  all  taut  a  while,  and  den  Chawley 
says  to  me,  he  says:  'Beg  pahdon,  but  what 

27 


When  It  Doesn't  Rain  in  London. 

do  you  do  when  it  doesn't  rain  in  London,  and 
you  don't  turn  up  your  trousers?' 

"  Say,  I  taut  for  a  second  dat  de  dude  had 
trun  me  down,  but  I  happens  to  tinfc  bout  de 
way  dat  I  was  a  lord  chap  in  Chicago  dat 
time  wid  Mr,  Paul,  and  I  says:  'Dere  is  no 
use  in  tellin  you  unless  you  is  Scotch/  says  L 
'I'm  Scotch  on  me  modder's  side,  she  bein  Lady 
McFadden-Fadden  of  Gabberdow,  so  when  it 
doesn't  rain  in  London  I  don't  wear  no  pants,  I 
wears  a  kilt/ 

"  Say,  I  was  stuck  on  meself  for  tinfcin  of 
dat,  for  it  made  every  little  Willie  blink*  If  dey 
had  kept  dere  eyes  starin  much  longer  Pd  had  t' 
tump  some  of  em  just  to  get  a  blink  out  of  em, 
or  else  I'd  gone  clean  daffy. 

"Den  de  Duchess  and  me  chases  ourselves 
out  of  de  Garden  wid  all  de  little  muglets 
trottin  after  us  till  de  Duchess  made  me  put  on 
me  overcoat,  for  fear  some  of  em  might  folley 
us  clean  home,  when  Mr.  Paul  would  tink  I'd 
bought  home  more  puppies  dan  he  wanted." 


A  Sporty  Boston  Boy* 


BOY. 


ever   I    get  old    enough   t'  A  SPORTY 
know  what's  good  for  me,  I'll  l 
go  into  de  freak  shows  as  de 
mug  what  discovered  Harlem* 
I  always  upsets  de  growler  just 
when  it's  full,  and  dat's  why  I 
aint  stuck  on  meself*     See? 


Everyting  up  to  our  house  was  runnin  slick  as 
a  ambiance,  and  tings  was  comin  my  way 
so  fast  I  was  near  breakin  me  neck  dodgin  em* 
Dat's  good  nough  for  a  mug  like  me,  aint  it  ? 
Sure* 

44  Well,  lemme  tell  you*  I  was  out  in  de 
barn  teachin  de  coachman's  kid  dat  old  song 
which,  him  being  a  farmer,  he  didn't  know: 

*  Daddy  wouldn't  buy  me  de  Bowry, 
Daddy  wouldn't  buy  me  de  Bowr y, 
He  bought  me  Central  Park, 
But  dars  no  good  after  dark, 
And  Fd  rader  he  had  bought  de  Bow-wow-wow-ry* 

"Say,  I  was  just  tellin  him  Pd  give  him 
one  more  chanst  to  sing  it  right  or  I'd  tump 
him,  when  in  comes  his  Whiskers,  wid  a  mug 
what  comes  from  Boston  t'  visit  us.  Say,  I  was 
on  t'  dat  mug  when  he  was  to  our  house  before, 
and  I  puts  him  up  for  a  sporty  boy*  See? 


A  Sporty  Boston  Boy. 

"  Well,  he  comes  out  dere  f  look  at  a  horse 
what  his  Whiskers  got  for  Miss  Fanny  to  try, 
He  knows  a  horse,  oat  Boston  mug  does,  when 
he  sees  one*  I  fetches  de  horse  outter  de  stall 
and  was  holdin  him  while  dey  was  pipin  him 
off*  All  of  a  sudden  dat  Boston  mug  says  t' 
his  Whiskers,  he  says, '  Don't  you  know  any 
sloggin  match  on  for  to-night  ? '  says  he. 

44  Say,  his  Whiskers  looked  like  he  was  par 
alyzed,  and  I  seen  him  wink  at  de  mug  and  tip 
me  off  like  he  was  tellin  him  for  t'  hold  his  mout 
in  front  of  me*  See  ?  Say,  dat  mug  was  a 
sport,  sure,  for  he  let  on  he  didn't  tumble  t' 
what  t'ell  his  Whiskers  was  givin  him,  and  he 
says,  givin  me  de  wink  on  de  dead  quiet,  says 
he, 4  Dis  boy  of  yours  looks  like  he  would  know 
where  a  innocent  gent  from  Boston  could  find 
a  little  scrap  on  de  quiet/  he  says,  like  dat.  See? 
Dem's  his  very  words.  4  A  innocent  gent  from 
Boston/  Aint  dey  great  ?  Say,  dat  mug  is  no 
farmer,  if  he  does  live  a  long  way  from  de 
Bowry.  Sure* 

"Den  his  Whiskers  he  kinder  laughed  and 
called  him  de  worst  name  I  ever  heard  in  me 
life.  I  couldn't  just  get  on,  but  it  was  something 
like  'uncorgible/  not  just  dat,  but  like  dat.  It 
was  a  corker. 

"  Wid  dat  his  Whiskers  sent  de  coachman's 
kid  away  and  he  shut  de  door,  and  he  says  t' 


A  Sporty  Boston  Boy. 

me,  says  he, '  Chames/  he  says,  '  Chames,  me 
friend  from  Boston  is  a  student  of  human 
nature/  he  says  like  dat*  'And  if  you  are  onto  a 
boxin  match  anywhere  to-night/  he  says, '  praps 
you  could  bring  us  dere  widout  Miss  Fannie 
knowin  it/  Dat's  what  he  says*  Jollyin  me, 
see?  Say,  I  taught  Fd  die,  cause  I  couldn't 
laugh,  but  I  says,  sober  as  a  judge  in  de  Tombs, 
I  says,  *  De  Rose  Leaf  Social  Outin  and  Life 
Savin  Club  has  a  scrap  on  to-night/  says  I, '  and 
I  could  get  you  in  dere  for  a  plunk  each/ 

"I  knowed  de  tickets  was  only  twenty-five 
cents,  but  I  taut  as  his  Whiskers  was  jollyin  me 
Pd  jolly  him*  See  ?  Den  de  Boston  sport,  he 
says,  sober  as  me,  says  he, 4  You  go  and  fix 
tings,  and  well  meet  you  after  dinner/  says  he, 
and  he  flashed  up  a  fiver*  Dat's  straight;  a 
clean  green  fiver*  He's  a  dead  sport,  dat  mug* 

"  Well,  I  told  em  where  t'  meet  me  at  nine 
o'clock,  and  I  made  a  sneak  down  t*  de  Bowry 
t'  fix  tings  wid  me  friend  de  barkeep,  what's 
President  of  de  Rose  Leafs*  When  I  told  de 
barkeep  dat  de  swell  gents  was  comin  t'  meet 
me  in  his  place,  he  never  charged  nottin  for  de 
tickets* 

"Well,  at  nine  o'clock  dey  comes  chasin 
up  t'  de  door  in  a  hack  and,  holly  gee !  who  do 
you  tinfc  was  wid  em?  Mr*  Burton,  Miss 
Fanny's  husband,  sure*  Mr*  Burton  says, 

33 


A  Sporty  Boston  Boy. 

when  dey  chases  in  de  place,  says  he,  'Good 
evenin,  Mr*  Fadden/  he  says,  as  polite  as  dat ; 
4  Good  evenin,  Mr*  Fadden/  Dat  was  because 
he  was  tryin  tt  string  de  crowd  dere,  and  make 
em  tink  oe  swells  wasn't  no  swells,  but  was 
friends  of  mine;  was  coachmen  or  butlers  or 
tings  like  dat*  See?  Say,  dat's  where  dey 
was  farmers*  De  crowd  dere  was  dead  on  to 
onct*  Dere  ain't  nobody  can  string  dose  Rose 
Leaves*  Dey  don't  live  far  from  de  Bowry,  and 
none  of  em  has  been  doin  any  farmin  since  yes 
terday*  But  me  friend  de  barkeep  he  gives  de 
gang  de  wink  and  den  de  gang  pretended  not  t' 
be  on  to  me  company* 

44  Next,  me  friend  de  barkeep  tips  us  de 
wink  and  we  makes  a  sneak  after  him  t'  de 
back  room,  where  de  scrappin  was*  Say,  you 
would  a  died  t'  see  de  sporty  boy  from  Boston 
jolly  up  de  game*  He  chipped  in  for  de  purse, 
and  he  trowed  schooners  down  his  face,  till  de 
gang  was  all  stuck  on  his  style*  But  his 
Whiskers  was  kinder  cranky  and  off  his  base, 
and  kept  his  eye  on  de  door  all  de  time*  Well, 
two  mixed-ale  fedder-weights  was  sloggin  each 
odder  good  for  de  first  purse,  when  his  Whis 
kers,  all  of  a  sudden,  near  fell  off  his  chair,  and  he 
groans, '  De  police ! ' 

"Daft  what  dey  was,  sure  nough;  de 
cops*  Dey  come  in  de  front  door  and  die  back 

34 


A  Sporty  Boston  Boy. 

door,  and  dere  was  a  cop  at  de  window*  De 
gang  was  near  paralyzed*  Say,  I  didn't  know 
what  t'ell,  cause  I  was  tinkin  what  Miss  Fan 
nie  would  say  if  she  ever  heard*  De  first  ting 
de  sporty  boy  says  was  t'  tell  me  to  fix  de  cops, 
and  he  shoved  a  wad  in  me  fist*  I  knowed  de 
cop  what  was  bossin  de  raid*  and  I  knowed 
dere  was  no  fixin  him  wid  de  stuff*  But  I  col 
lared  de  wad,  just  as  hard,  and  went  over  and 
whispers  to  de  cop, '  Do  you  know  Senator  Bur 
ton  ? '  I  whispered* 

444  Sure/  said  he* 

"'Well,  dat's  him/  I  says,  noddin  to  Miss 
Fannie's  husband* 

"De  cop  looks  over  and  says,  says  he, 
fell!  dat's  straight  sure;  but  what's  he 
doin  here  ? ' 

"'He's  wid  a  couple  of  members  from 
Albany,'  I  says, '  vestigatin  de  slums,'  I  says* 

"  Say,  I  give  him  de  glad  lie  so  straight  dat 
it  went*  See  r 

"  De  cop  says, '  Sneak  em  outter  here  quick,' 
he  says,  and  he  give  de  tip  t'  de  cop  on  de  door, 
while  I  chases  out  wid  me  swell  company*  De 
hack  was  outside  and  dey  all  jumps  in,  and  I 
jumps  on  de  box  wid  de  driver*  All  de  way  up 
t'  de  club  I  heard  em  laughin  inside,  and  when 
I  gets  down  to  open  de  door  his  Whiskers  was 
tefiin  em  not  to  give  him  away  to  Miss  Fannie* 


A  Sporty  Boston  Boy. 

"Den  his  Whiskers  says  tome,  'Chames/ 
he  says,  'you  go  home  and  keep  your  mout 
shut/  says  he* 

44  4  Yes,  sir/  I  says,  and  hands  back  de  wad 
t'  de  sporty  Boston* 

44  He  looks  at  it,  and  den  at  me,  and  he 
says,  '  What's  dis  ?  Didn't  you  use  it  ? '  says 
he. 

44  4  No/  says  I, '  I  squared  it  wid  de  Sena 
tor's  pull/  I  says. 

44  When  dey  heard  how  I  done  it,  dey  gives 
me  a  great  jolly,  and  de  Boston  mug  gives  me 
back  de  wad  and  says,  'Chames,  let  dis  be  a 
lesson  to  you/  he  says, 4  and  lead  no  more  inno 
cent  gents  from  Boston  t'  de  Bowry  no  more/ 
says  he,  and  dey  all  chases  in  de  club. 

44  Say,  what  do  you  tink  dere  was  in  dat 
wad?  Dere  was  fifty  plunks.  Dat's  right. 
Fifty  good  long  greens. 

"De  next  day  I  gives  me  friend  de  barkeep 
twenty-five  plunks,  for  dat's  what  de  judge  fined 
him;  and  I  was  feelin  pretty  good,  till  I  got 
home,  and  holly  gee !  how  de  Duchess  did  jump 
me  wid  bot  feet. 

"Say,  what  do  you  tink?  De  whole 
game  was  give  to  Miss  Fannie  by  a  ijet  dude 
what  heard  it  at  de  club.  De  dude  meets  Miss 
Fanny  on  de  street  and  tells  her  de  whole  yarn, 
she  pretendin  all  de  time  dat  she  didn't  care,  so 
36 


A  Sporty  Boston  Boy. 

de  dude  couldn't  have  no  laugh  on  Mr*  Burton 
and  his  Whiskers*    Ain't  she  a  torrowbred  ? 

44  But  when  she  gets  home  she  near  had  a  fit, 
and  de  Duchess  she  near  had  a  fit,  cause  Miss 
Fannie  said  it  was  me  what  was  de  wicked 
mug*  and  den  I  near  had  a  fit  wid  de  Duchess 
jawin  so*  and  I  didn't  know  what  fell*  De 
Duchess  calls  me  a  'leetle  beast/  what's  her 
forn  way  when  she's  sore* 

"Well*  Miss  Fannie  sent  for  me  and  I 
gives  her  a  great  song  and  dance  bout  how  de 
gents  was  only  wantin  t'  do  de  slums*  and  never 
meant  to  see  no  scrappin*  Miss  Fannie  said  she 
blamed  me  most  for  4  leadin  Mr*  Burton  astray* 
what  was  a  most  innocent  young  man*'  Wid 
dat  de  Duchess  gives  me  a  wink  what  made 
me  want  t'  laugh  so  hard  dat  dere  was  weeps 
in  me  eyes*  and  Miss  Fannie*  tinking  I  was 
cryin*  called  de  game  off*  and  I  chases  out  wid 
de  Duchess  after  me*  De  Duchess  never  let 
up  on  me  till  I  had  coughed  up  dose  twenty-five 
plunks* 

44  Say*  I  aint  playin  in  no  luck*  De  next 
time  dat  sporty  Boston  boy  tackles  me  for  a 
scrap  I'll  give  him  one,  instead  of  fetchin  him  to 
one*  See?" 


A  Buss  is  Fair  Game* 


R  PAUL  is  a  farmer— I  don't  A  KISS 
tink*     Why,  he's  slick  as  dey  IS  FAIR 
makes    em;    and    dough    he  GAME» 
looks  like  he  was  tired  t'  deat, 
I'm  tinkin  he  could  give  weight 
to  any  one  in  his  class  and  lose 
em  in  de  turn. 


"Dat's  right.  He  was  a  winner  at  our 
Christmas  tree  what  we  had  down  at  our  place  in 
de  country  where  we  is  stoppin  till  Miss  Fannie 
— scuse  me !  I  forgot*  De  Duchess  said  I  was  t' 
keep  me  mout  shut  bout  Miss  Fannie,  and  dat's 
why  we  is  staying  in  de  country*  No,  you 
needn't  wink  at  me*  I  ain't  sayin  nottin,  cept 
bout  dat  Christmas  tree* 

44  Well,  as  I  was  tellin  you,  we  had  de  tree 
at  our  house,  and  all  de  dude  folks  round  dere 
came  in  de  afternoon  wid  dere  kids*  Miss 
Fannie  was  dead  set  on  havin  all  de  folks 
bring  dere  kids  and  dere  presents  to  our  tree* 
And  such  kids !  Say,  dey  wasn't  much  like  de 
kids  Miss  Fannie  uster  take  grub  to  and  jolly  up 
dere  modders  when  I  first  knowd  her  down  in  de 
east  side*  Dey  were  all  like  dose  lairies  what's 
into  plays  out  on  top  of  de  stage,  only  dese  was 
de  real  ting,  no  make-believe*  Dey  was  outter 


A  Kiss  Is  Fair  Game. 

sight  wid  dere  pretty  close,  and  dere  pretty  hair, 
and  dere  pretty  faces* 

"De  funniest  ting  bout  em  was  dat  dey 
didn't  seem  t'  be  in  nobody's  way,  as  de  kids 
where  I  uster  live  always  was ;  and  dey  wasn't 
fraid  of  nobody  needer,  like  dey  taut  dey  was 
sure  to  get  a  tumpin  pretty  soon. 

44  Say,  you  otter  seen  his  Whiskers !  He 
was  dressed  up  like  a  mug  dey  called  Santa 
Glaus,  wid  whiskers  all  over  him  and  furs  and  a 
beak — say,  Mr*  Paul  painted  his  Whiskers's 
beak,  and  you  could  seen  it  a  mile  tru  a  fog  I  It 
was  a  peach ! 

44  Well,  me  and  Mr.  Paul  and  his  Whiskers 
was  in  a  side  room  waitin  for  de  kids  all  t'  get 
in  de  parlor,  and  his  Whiskers  was  all  de  time 
sayin  dat  his  Santa  Glaus  close  fitted  him  too 
warm,  and  Mr.  Paul  was  all  de  time  tellin  me  to 
open  small  bottles  so  as  t'  cool  off  Santa  Glaus ; 
and  before  de  tree  was  ready  his  Whiskers 
didn't  know  wedder  his  name  was  Santa  Glaus 
or  Dennis.  When  we  went  t'  de  tree  all  de  kids 
and  all  dere  mudders  and  all  dere  dads  was 
dere,  and  Miss  Fannie  was  dere,  and  de  Duchess 
was  dere — say,  dat  Duchess  always  sneaks  in 
on  a  bluff  dat  she's  helpin,  which  she  never 
ain't,  only  just  pipin  tings  t'  talk  bout  em — and 
den  we  gives  out  de  presents.  De  first  crack 
his  Whiskers  makes  to  get  down  a  present  he 


A  Kiss  Is  Fair  Game. 

near  knocks  over  de  dinky  tree.  Den  Miss 
Fannie  comes  up,  and  she  gives  Mr*  Paul  a  look 
like  she  was  onto  what  he'd  been  doin,  but  she 
only  says,  jolly  like :  4  Let's  do  it  dis  way,  fad- 
der,'  she  says*  'Mr.  Paul  will  read  off  de 
name;  Chames/  meanin  me,  'Chames  will 
reach  down  de  presents,  and  yuse'll  give  it  t*  de 
child  what  it's  for/  says  she*  See  ? 

44  So  dat's  de  way  we  done;  and  pretty  soon 
all  de  kids  had  so  many  presents  dey  couldn't 
pack  em  round*  Den  dey  had  dere  grub,  and 
den  dey  went  home  wid  de  servants,  and  den  de 
old  folks  had  dere  grub*  It  was  after  dat  dat 
Mr*  Paul  played  de  game  I  was  tellin  you  bout* 
Before  dinner  he  made  a  sneak  into  de  rooms 
where  he  knuwd  all  de  folks  would  go  after 
dinner,  and  he  tied  a  piece  of  mistletoe  on  de 
carpets  what  hangs  between  de  rooms — de 
carpets  what  dey  calls  de  porteers,  you  know* 

44  Say,  I  seen  him  doin  it,  and  I  says  t'  de 
Duchess,  says  I,  'What  t'ell,'  I  says,  'what  t'ell 
is  his  game,  tyin  a  dinky  piece  of  tree  on  de 
porteers  ? '  I  says* 

"Den  she  tells  me  dat  it  was  mistletoe, 
and  dat  any  man  what  catched  a  girl  under  it 
had  a  dead  right  t'  kiss  her*  Never  mind  wedder 
she's  marrieo  or  net,  de  mug  had  de  law  on  his 
side,  and  nobody  had  a  license  t'  kick*  Dat 
was  de  ghost  story  de  Duchess  gives  me,  and 

43 


A  Kiss  Is  Fair  Game. 

when  I  tdk  her  dat  she  was  lying  she  just 
laughed  and  said  for  me  to  wait  and  see* 

44  De  Duchess  felt  so  good  bout  it  dat  I  guess 
she  taut  some  one  might  catch  her  dere.  But  I 
looked  after  dat  meseli 

44  Say,  as  I  was  tellin  you,  de  folks  all  went 
in  dose  rooms  after  dinner,  and  nobody  noticed 
de  mistletoe  cept  Mr,  Paul,  who  was  all  de 
time  sorter  loafin  round  dere  like  you'd  tink  dere 
must  be  a  small  bottle  dere. 

44  Well,  pretty  soon  me  and  de  Duchess,  we 
was  peekin  in  tru  some  odder  porteers,  and  we 
seen  Miss  Fannie  walking  from  one  room  t'  de 
odder,  and  she  had  t*  go  straight  under  de 
mistletoe.  Dere  stood  Mr.  Paul.  De  Duchess 
gives  me  a  pinch. 

"Say,  dis  is  straight:  de  second  Miss 
Fannie  gets  under  dat  mistletoe  Mr.  Paul 
steps  up,  cool  and  quiet,  puts  one  hand  under 
her  chin,  pushes  up  her  face,  and  gives  her 
a  kiss  on  de  mout.  Smack  on  de  mout,  Fm 
tellin  you. 

"Dat's  right.  Miss  Fannie  looks  near 
paralyzed,  and  turns  wite,  Den  Mr.  Paul  he 
smiled,  and  pointed  up  t'  de  mistletoe,  and 
everybody  looked,  and  dey  all  laughed  and 
clapped  dere  hands. 

"His  Whiskers  he  called  out,  'Dat's  fair 
game,  Fannie,  dat's  fair  game/ 


A  Kiss  Is  Fair  Game. 

"Den  all  de  men  dey  begins  t*  put  up  jobs 
t'  get  de  ladies  t'  walk  from  one  room  t*  de 
odder ;  and  say,  you  never  seed  so  many  tings 
de  ladies  in  one  room  had  t'  go  and  tell  de  ladies 
in  de  odder,  till  dey  had  a  regular  circus  in 
dere, 

44  Bime  by  Miss  Fannie  came  out  tt  where 
we  was  t'  order  some  punch  sent  in  dere,  and 
she  asked  de  Duchess  if  she  knew  who  tied  dat 
mistletoe  up, 

44 1  give  de  Duchess  de  wink  t'  keep  her 
mout  shut,  but  she  said :  4  Chames  saw  Mr. 
Paul/  says  she, 4  saw  Mr,  Paul  tyin  it  up  before 
dinner/  says  she, 

44  Say,  I  taut  Miss  Fannie  would  sure  give 
me  a  jawin  for  not  tellin  her  before  dinner*  But 
she  didn't" 


45 


The  Little  Miss  Fannie, 


USY!   Say,  if  it  was  anybody  THE 
but  you  I  wouldn't  stop  even  t'  LITTLE 
say  howdy*     Yes,  dat's  right*  MISS 
I  taut  you  might  guess  it*    It's  FANNIE, 
a  girl — anodder  Miss  Fannie* 
De     granfadder  —  dat's     his 
Whiskers,   you  know — is  so 
stuck  on  himself  dat  he  can't  do  nottin  but 
shake  hands  wid  himself  and  de  neighbors ;  de 
dad,  dat's  Mr*  Burton,  ain't  come  out  of  his 
trance  yet ;  Mr*  Paul  is  openin  small  bottles  all 
de  time;   de  Duchess  can't  take  a  minute  off 
from  fightin  de  nurse,  so  I  has  t'  do  all  de  comin 
t'  town  t'  get  tings*    I  guess  if  it  wasn't  for  me 
de  little  Miss  Fannie  wouldn't  have  no  show  on 
eart* 

"Say,  de  whole  house  is  daffey,  only  cept 
Miss  Fannie  and  me*  I  ain't  seen  her  yet,  only 
onct  when  she  was  sittin  up  talkin  t'  de  little 
one  in  just  a  kinder  quiet  coaxy  voice  when  de 
nurse  was  asleep  and  Miss  Fannie's  room  only 
had  de  firelight,  and  de  Duchess  she  sneaked  de 
door  open  a  crack  so  as  I  could  look  in  t'  make 
sure  wid  me  own  eyes  dat  Miss  Fannie  was  all 
right*  She  was  sittin  in  front  of  de  fire  holdin 
de  little  one  what  she'd  taken  out  of  de  basket 

49 


The  Little  Miss  Fannie. 

by  her  side,  and  when  I  seen  her,  why,  den  I 
didn't  say  nottin*  Dey  was  all  right,  and  I  felt 
like  I  had  a  cinch  on  heaven* 

44  Well,  as  I  was  tellin  you,  when  little  Miss 
Fannie  come,  dat  was  bout  tree  weeks  ago,  Mr* 
Paul  he  chased  hisself  down  t'  de  city  pretendin 
he  had  t'  look  for  a  bull  pup* 

44  Say,  was  I  tellin  you  bout  dat  bull  pup  ? 
He  was  down  here  two  days  when  his  Whis 
kers  told  me  t'  telegraph  for  him,  cause,  says  he, 
dere  ain't  nobody  but  Mr*  Paul  knows  where 
de  wine  was  put  in  de  cellar  what  we  bought 
for  dis  casion* 

44  It  was  before  he  come  back  dat  de  Duch 
ess  had  her  first  scrap  wid  de  nurse*  Say,  dat 
was  a  daisy,  and  de  Duchess  win  in  a  romp. 

44  Lemme  tell  you*  De  doctor  says  dat  de 
nurse  was  in  charge  when  de  doctor  was  away, 
and  de  nurse  tinks  dat  dat  gives  her  de  house 
to  own  all  for  her  lonely*  See  ? 

Dat  lets  de  Duchess  out,  and  she  was  dead 
sore,  and  I  seed  dat  she  was  goin  t'  run  tings 
bout  Miss  Fannie  like  she  always  has  or  have 
a  fit,  and  de  Duchess  ain't  stuck  on  fits* 

44  So  one  day  de  Duchess  sneaked  in  Miss 
Fannie's  rooms  when  de  nurse  was  out,  and  in 
bout  a  minute  she  had  de  blinds  and  curtains 
up,  and  lots  of  sunshine  in*  And  Mr*  Burton 
she  let  in,  and  his  Whiskers  she  let  in,  and  de 
5° 


The  Little  Miss  Fannie. 

Duchess  had  little  Miss  Fannie  up  and  showin  it 
t'  its  fadder  and  grandfadder,  and  de  Duchess 
was  singin  one  of  dose  dinky  little  French  songs 
she  sings,  and  tings  was  just  jollyin  along 
beautiful  when  de  nurse  tried  to  get  in  de  rooms ; 
but  de  Duchess  had  locked  all  de  doors*  Den  I 
sneaked  up  t'  de  nurse  like  I  had  been  posted  by 
de  Duchess  to  do,  and  I  says,  says  I,  'De  doc 
tor's  just  comin  up  de  drive,  nurse/ 

"Den  de  nurse  she  says  t'  me,  says  she: 
'Tell  dat  French  cat/  meanin  de  Duchess,  'tell 
dat  French  cat  t'  let  me  in  before  de  doctor 
comes*  If  you  don't,  I'm  ruined  in  me  busi 
ness/ 

44  So  I  gives  de  signal  on  de  door,  and  de 
Duchess  opens  it  and  says,  wid  more  style  on 
her  dan  a  blue-ribbon  winner,  says  she, 4  Oh,  is 
it  you,  nurse?  Well,  be  careful,  now,  not  t' 
disturb  tings  as  Fve  ranged  them*  Dat's  a  good 


woman/ 


"Dat's  de  way  de  Duchess  got  hold  of 
tings,  and  now  she  and  de  nurse  is  scrappin 
most  of  de  time  t'  see  which  is  the  best  man,  and 
it's  a  good  fight  as  it  lays, 

"Say,  de  first  time  MrJ Burton  was  act  if 
he  would  hold  de  kid  he  got  wite  in  de  gills  and 
near  fainted,  and  wouldn't  hold  it  for  fear  of 
breakin  it*  Den  his  Whiskers  he  held  it,  and  it 
was  Miss  Fannie  what  near  had  de  fit,  as  de 


The  Little  Miss  Fannie. 

Duchess  was  tellin  me ;  and  what  t'ell  I  want 
t'  know  is  why  Miss  Fannie  wanted  her  hus 
band  tt  hold  ae  little  Fannie  when  he  never 
was  a  faKder  before,  and  was  afraid  f  have  his 
Whiskers  hold  de  kid  when  he's  been  a  fadder 
for  twenty-five  years* 

"  Dafs  de  funny  ting  bout  women.  Dey 
tinks  dere  husbands  knows  more  dan  dere  fad- 
ders,  dat  dey  knows  more  demselves  dan  dere 
husbands,  and  dat  dere  fadders  knows  more  dan 
demselves*  You  can't  make  dat  game  fit  toged- 
der  no  way ;  dere  is  always  one  chicken  outer 
de  coop*  See  ? 

"  Well,  s'long*  I  has  a  lot  of  tings  t'  chase 
after,  and  now  dat  I'm  down  in  de  city  I  guess 
Pll  look  up  a  bull  pup* 

44  Say,  was  I  tellin  you  bout  de  bull  pup  ?" 


At  the  Ulalee  Club, 


OU  otter  been  wid  us  de  odder  AT  THE 
night^  when  me  and  de  Duch-  ULALEE 
ess,  and  me  friend  de  barkeep  CLUB» 
and  his  lady  friend,  was  t'  de 
ball  of  de  Ulalee  Club.  You 
remember  dat  Ulalee  what  was 
over  here  from  some  dago 
country  de  time  me  and  de  Duchess  was  mar 
ried,  what  dey  fired  all  de  guns  on  de  gunboats 
off  for?  Sure,  dat's  de  one  I  means*  Well,  me 
friend  de  barkeep  and  some  of  his  friends  forms 
a  club  for  a  mask  ball,  and  calls  it  de  Ulalee 
Club,  after  her,  cause  dey  say  she  was  a  dead 
game  sport,  only  she  had  her  company  manners 
on  when  she  was  here,  and  never  had  no 
chanst  t'  show  her  gait* 

"Say,  you  know  I  ain't  stuck  on  society, 
and  I  never  would  have  gone  t'  de  ball  only 
when  me  friend  de  barkeep  sends  me  de  invites 
I  taut  it  would  do  de  Duchess  no  harm  if  she 
took  a  little  turn  in  society,  she  bein  cooped  up 
wid  Miss  Fannie  and  de  little  Miss  Fannie  till 
she  wasn't  right.  She  wasn't  fit,  dat's  what  I 
mean;  she  was  overtrained*  See? 

"So  I  says  t'  her,  says  I,  'Duchess/  I  says, 
4  what's  de  matter  wid  us  sneakin  t'  de  city  for 

ss 


At  the  Ulalee  Club. 

de  Ulalee  ball,  and  doin  a  turn  in  society?  I 
wonder  you  wouldn't  give  de  boys  and  girls 
a  treat,  cause  nobody  ain't  seen  us  since  de  little 
Miss  Fannie  has  came/ 

44  4  Dat's  all  right  wid  you,  Cheems/  says 
she,  '  cause  you  can  tell  Mr.  Burton  you're 
goin  down  t'  de  city  t'  look  up  a  bull  pup,  but  I 
ain't  got  no  game  to  play  like  dat,'  she  says. 

44  Dat  was  only  a  song  and  dance  de  Duch 
ess  was  givin  me,  and  I  knowed  dat  de  real  rea 
son  she  was  leary  bout  goin  was  cause  she  was 
havin  dat  same  old  fight  wid  de  nurse,  and  she 
didn't  want  t'  give  de  nurse  a  innins  when  she 
wasn't  round  t  play  ball,  too*  See  ?  De  Duch 
ess  is  fraid  dat  if  she  ain't  dere  de  whole  time  dat 
de  nurse  will  swipe  little  Miss  Fannie  and  de 
Duchess  will  get  de  trow-down  for  not  bein 
dere* 

"Say,  I  never  seen  such  a  lot  of  daffey 
folks,  anyhow*  De  whole  gang  is  down  on 
dere  shin  bones  de  whole  time  t'  little  Miss 
Fannie,  and  I  wouldn't  tink  I  was  earnin  me 
wages  if  it  wasn't  for  Mr*  Paul  sayin  what 
was  de  matter  wid  me  openin  a  small  bot  for 
him  and  his  Whiskers  and  Mr*  Burton  pretty 
often*  Mr*  Paul  has  stopped  countin  de  small 
bots  since  he  heard  he  was  t'  be  de  godfadder* 

44  But  let  me  tell  you  bout  de  ball*  I  told 
de  Duchess,  what  t'ell,  I  told  her*  I  says  dat  if 

56 


At  the  Ulalee  Club. 

she  didn't  want  t'  go  I'd  take  Maggie  de  house 
maid,  what  she  was  a  good  little  girl*  Dat  set 
tled  it*  De  Duchess  she  went,  ana  never  peeped 
bout,  havin  no  game  t'  sneak  on. 

44  Say,  de  Duchess  was  a  fairy  dat  night* 
We  went  first  wid  her  bag  t'  de  place  where  me 
friend  de  barkeep's  lady  friend  lives* 

"Well,  dere  de  Duchess  put  on  her  ball 
close,  and  den  de  four  of  us  chases  t'  de  ball  in 
a  carriage  me  friend  had*  Oh,  he  ain't  no 
farmer ! 

44  De  goils  had  on  masks,  and  early  in  de 
evenin  we  didn't  do  much  but  sit  in  de  box  of 
me  friend  and  drink  beer  and  jolly  de  boys  and 
girls  who  was  dancin*  It  was  dead  slow, 
dough;  and  me  friend  was  near  crazy  cause 
dere  was  a  big  crowd  dere  and  every  one  was 
spectin  dey  was  goin  t'  have  a  corkin  time,  but 
dey  mostly  looked  like  dey  was  all  tree-times 
losers* 

44  Me  friend  de  barkeep  had  put  his  own 
good  plunks  in  de  ball,  and  if  it  was  a  frost  he 
never  could  give  anodder,  and  he  was  usin 
some  beautiful  lanwudge  cause  dere  wasn't  no 
high  kickin* 

44  Den  de  Duchess  and  de  odder  goil  began 
whisperin  togedder,  and  pretty  soon  dey  says 
what's  de  matter  wid  our  goin  on  de  floor  and 
havin  a  quadrille* 

57 


At  the  Ulalee  Club. 

*  Say,  honest,  I  never  taut  nottin  was  up 
till  de  music  was  goin  and  we'd  backed  and 
for'd  twict,  and  den  all  of  a  suddint,  when  de 
Duchess  and  her  friend  went  *  ladies  for'd,'  dey 
bote  let  go ;  and  holly  gee !  I  never  knowed  de 
Duchess  could  do  it !  ill  give  it  to  you  straight, 
dey  bote  kicked  so  high  oere  feet  met  clean  up 
in  de  air ! 

"I  was  near  paralyzed,  but  I  didn't  say 
nottin,  cause  de  crowd  jammed  round  us  and 
gave  de  goils  de  cheer,  and  den  we  all  four 
danced  t'  beat  'ell* 

44  Say,  it  was  more  fun  dan  you  ever  seen* 
Pm  a  pretty  good  kicker  for  high  meself,  and 
so  is  me  friend  de  barkeep;  and  seein  we  was  in 
for  it,  I  says  t'  meself,  says  1, 4  What  t'ell  I  Let 
her  go,  Chimmie, '  I  says ;  and  we  just  shook  de 
odder  two  couple  in  de  set  and  did  de  greatest 
kickin  dere  ever  was  at  a  ball  or  Pm  a 
farmer* 

44  Say,  we  was  rollin  it  high,  sure,  when 
dere  in  de  front  of  de  crowd  what  was  singin 
and  clappin  and  shoutin  for  us  I  seen  his 
Whiskers  yellin  like  de  horse  he  had  his 
money  on  was  winnin  by  a  nose*  He  didn't 
see  me,  cause  he  was  watchin  de  goils  wid  bote 
eyes* 

"  When  de  dance  was  over  his  Whiskers 
was  makin  a  break  for  de  goils,  cause  he  didn't 


At  the  Ulalee  Club. 

know  de  Duchess,  she  havin  her  mask  on ;  but 
I  just  steps  up  to  him,  and  givin  him  de  salute, 
I  says,  'Any  orders,  sir  ? ' 

44  Say,  I  taut  he'd  fall  in  a  fit,  but  he  made 
de  grand  brace,  and  says  dat,  feelin  radder  tired 
wid  all  de  worry  and  anxiety — dem's  his  words 
— de  anxiety  bout  Miss  Fannie  and  de  kid,  he 
taut  he'd  relax  himself  wid  a  little  innocent 
amusement*  I  needn't  say  anyting  bout  it  at 
home,  he  says,  cause  it  might  not  be  understood* 
Dat's  de  little  song  he  sung  me,  wid  me  standin 
wid  me  fingers  at  me  for'd,  and  never  even 
blinfcin* 

44  De  Duchess  seen  me  wid  his  Whiskers, 
and  she  chases  up  and  says, 4  Cheems  won't  say 
nottin  bout  it,'  says  she, 4  and  he  wouldn't  say 
nottin  even  if  you  sent  some  wine  up  t'  box  19, ' 
she  says  t'  him ;  she  not  blinkin,  needer* 

44  Say,  what  de  you  tink  of  dat  goil  ?  Ain't 
she  a  torrowbred  ?  When  his  Whiskers  heard 
her  voice,  he  kinder  smiled  and  says :  4  Dat's  a 
very  good  suggestion,  Hortense,'  he  says* '  I'll 
remember  box  J9  for  de  pleasure  your  dancin 
gave  me,'  says  he* 

"Well,  he  didn't  forget,  cause  a  waiter 
comes  along  to  our  box  pretty  soon  and  says 
dat  de  manager  says  our  box  has  credit  for  all 
de  wine  we  wants,  and  we  was  wantin  it  pretty 
hard  de  rest  of  de  night*  Dat  dance  started  de 

59 


At  the  Ulalee  Club. 

odder  high  kickers,  and  de  ball  was  real  elegant 
after  dak 

"De  next  day  I  had  t*  chase  round  after  a 
bull  pup,  cause  daf  s  what  I  told  Mr.  Burton  I 
was  comin  t'  town  for*  Was  I  tellin  you  bout 
dat  bull  pup  ?  No  ?  Well,  any  old  day  will 
do  t'  tell  you  bout  dat/' 


The  False  Vaudeville  Stan 


H,  dat  Duchess'lt  be  de  deat  of  THE 


FALSE 


STAR. 


me*    Sure.    De  funniest  ting 

bout  women  is  dat  dey  is  al-  VAUDEVILLE 

ways  givin  you  a  game  what 

ain't  straight  when  a  straight 

game    wouldn't    do    em   no 

harm.    See  ? 


44  Lemme  tell  you.  De  odder  day  de  Duch 
ess  says  t'  me,  says  she,  '  Chames, '  she  says, 
*  I  has  t'  have  de  dentiss  fix  me  toot, '  says  she. 
4  Make  a  sneak  wid  me  t'  de  city, '  cause  we  is 
down  in  de  country  yet,  what  I  was  tellin  you 
of.  Den  I  says  t'  her,  'What  t'ell?'  says  L 
'  What's  de  matter  wid  tellin  Miss  Fannie  dat 
de  dentiss  mug  has  t'  fix  your  toot  ? '  I  says. 

44  Say,  what  do  you  tink  dat  Duchess  says  ? 
She  says  dat  if  she  tells  Miss  Fannie  what 
she's  goin  for,  Miss  Fannie'll  tink  she's  lyin, 
but  if  she  lies  t'  her,  Miss  Fannie'll  tink  she's 
tellin  de  trut.  Dat's  right.  Dem's  de  very 
song  and  dance  de  Duchess  gives  me.  Dat's 
de  way  wid  most  folks  and  all  forn  women. 

"Well,  I  told  Mr.  Burton  would  he 
me  a  day  off  t'  go  t'  de  city  t'  see  bout  a 
pup  Mr.  Paul  was  wantin  t'  buy ;  and  de  Duch 
ess,  she  told  Miss  Fannie  she  wanted  t'  chase 

63 


The  False  Vaudeville  Star. 

long  wid  me,  so  I  wouldn't  get  in  no  trouble — 
dars  what  dat  goil  says — and  so  we  chases  up 
here  t'  de  city  togedder* 

44  When  we  gets  t'  Fift  avnoo  and  Forty- 
second  street  I  says  t'  de  Duchess, 4  Where's  de 
dentiss  mug?'  I  says,  and  she  gives  me  de 
laugh  and  says  did  I  link  she  was  goin  t'  have 
her  toot  fixed,  and  I  says  'What  t'ell?'  I 
says* 

44  Dere  was  dat  goil  givin  me  one  steer,  and 
givin  Miss  Fannie  anodder  steer,  and  dey  was 
bote  crooked  as  a  dog's  hind  leg,  widout  no  use 
of  bein  crooked*  Say,  ain't  dem  women  queer 
folks  ?  Dey's  chim  dandies — I  don't  tink* 

"Den  I  says  t'  de  Duchess  dat  I  had  t'  see 
bout  de  bull  pup  anyway,  what  was  in  a  stable 
on  Twenty-sevent  street,  and  she  says  what 
was  de  matter  wid  our  floatin  down  de  avnoo 
and  givin  de  town  a  treat,  seein  as  how  dey 
didn't  see  much  more  of  us  nowdays  dan  dey  do 
de  backs  of  dere  necks*  So  we  floated* 

44  Say,  next  t'  de  Bow'ry  I  tink  de  avnoo's 
de  slickest  ting  in  town*  I  was  singin  dat  kind 
of  a  song  t'  de  Duchess  on  one  side  of  me,  and 
winkin  t'  me  friends  on  de  boxes  of  de  carriages 
on  de  odder  side  of  me,  and  feelin  like  a  tree- 
time  winner  wid  no  one  t'  divvy  wid,  when  all 
of  a  suddint  a  mug  runs  into  me  and  says, 
4  Hello,  Chimmie  I '  he  says*  '  Lookin  at  your 


The  False  Vaudeville  Star. 

brown-stone  fronts  ? '  says  he*  It  was  me  friend 
de  barkeep,  de  mug  what  was  at  de  ball  where 
me  and  de  Duchess  was,  what  I  was  tellin  you 
bout*  Don't  you  remember  ?  I  says  *  howdy ' 
t'  him,  and  he  say, '  Give  us  a  knock  down  t' 
de  lady, '  says  he,  bein  perlite ;  but  I  was  tinkin 
de  Duchess  would  kick*  Dat's  where  I  didn't 
know  me  business,  cause  de  Duchess  she  fetch 
es  a  bow  dat  near  paralyzes  de  avnoo,  and  says 
she  has  de  honor* 

44  Say,  I  must  be  a  farmer,  cause  when  de 
Duchess  gives  me  friend  a  invite  t'  float  down 
de  avnoo  wid  us  I  didn't  tumble  dat  de  Duchess 
was  up  t'  no  game*  Well,  we  went  tf  de 
stable,  where  I  seen  de  owner  of  de  bull  pup, 
and  he's  de  biggest  tief  outter  de  Tombs,  cause 
he  wouldn't  take  less  dan  de  pup  is  wort ;  and 
den  we  floated  long  till  we  come  clean  down  t' 
de  end  of  de  avnoo,  where  dere  is  dat  big 
marble  mantel  piece  for  Gen*  Washington,  what 
discovered  New  York*  Dat's  right*  Den  it 
was  de  Duchess  says  all  of  a  suddint,  like  her 
back  hair  was  down  and  she'd  just  found  it  out, 
says  she:  'Why,  Chames,'  she  says,  'how 
funny/  like  dat*  See?  And  I  says  t'  her: 
4  What  t'ell  ? '  I  says,  cause  I  knowed  she  had 
some  game*  'Why,'  she  says,  lookin  round 
like  she  was  wakin  up,  '  here  wese  is  near  de 
restaurant  of  de  White  Pup* ' 


The  False  Vaudeville  Star. 

44  Say,  me  friend  de  barkeep  tumbled  quick 
er  dan  I  did,  cause  he  chipped  in,  quick :  4  Den 
what's  de  matter, '  says  he, 4  wid  our  goin  over 
dere  t'  lunch  ? '  he  says* 

44 1  tink  it's  always  de  mug  what  ain't  de 
lady's  husband  what  tinks  of  tings  like  dat 
sooner  dan  de  mug  dat  is.  Sure. 

44 Den  de  Duchess  says,  smood  as  silk: 
'It's  just  as  Chames  says,'  says  she,  givin 
me  arm  a  pinch  what  near  made  me  squeal. 

"So  we  went  over  't  Sout  Fift  avnoo, 
t'  de  White  Pup,  and  soon  as  we  got  in  de  res 
taurant  a  goil  chases  up  t'  de  Duchess  and  says : 
'Why,  Hortense,'  she  says,  cause  dat's  de 
Duchess's  name,  'why,  Hortense,  I  was  fraid 
you  wasn't  comin  at  all,'  she  says. 

"Den  I  knowd  I'd  been  a  farmer,  a  dead 
farmer,  for  I  seen  den  dat  de  Duchess  had  de 
game  put  up  from  de  start,  and  she  was  just 
down  t'  de  city  for  a  racket* 

44  Say,  dem  goils  was  terrors.  Sure.  When 
de  Duchess  had  knocked  down  me  and  me 
friend  de  barkeep  t'  de  odder  goil,  who  is  a 
lady's  maid,  like  de  Duchess,  me  friend  de  bar- 
keep  sets  up  de  lunch  like  de  real  gent  dat  he  is, 
and  den  de  goils  says  what's  de  matter  wid 
goin  t'  de  matinee  at  de  vaudeville.  De  goils 
was  jollyin  me  friend  de  barkeep  so  dat  he 
wanted  to  order  a  carriage  t'  go  in ;  but  I  says 

66 


The  False  Vaudeville  Star. 

dat  de  elevated  is  pretty  good  in  muddy  wedder, 
cause  you  don't  nave  t'  turn  up  your  pants  in 
de  elevated,  and  dat's  de  way  we  went* 

44  Say,  I  was  goin  t'  tell  you  bout  dat  Duch 
ess  near  bein  de  deat  of  me*  Lemme  tell  you 
what  she  done:  We  got  t'  de  vaudeville  and 
dere  was  a  nice  lookin  little  mug  standin  near 
de  front  door  kinder  lookin  round  like  he'd  lost 
someting,  and  de  Duchess  and  de  odder  goil  was 
jabberin  dat  forn  French  talk  when  we  was 
goin  by  de  mug  up  t'  de  ticket  office*  De  mug 
looked  hard  at  de  Duchess,  and  den  he  waltzes 
up  t'  her  and  lifts  his  dicer  and  says :  4  Beg  par 
don,  but  is  dis  Madam  Hortense  ? ' 

44  Say,  honest,  I  was  just  goin  t'  scrap  wid 
him,  when  de  Duchess  gives  me  de  wink,  quick, 
and  says, 4  Oui/  she  says,  *  Oui/  and  gives  me  a 
nudge  t'  look  at  a  big  bill  what  was  posted  up 
on  de  boards  by  de  side  of  de  door,  what  said  in 
letters  bout  a  mile  high  a  whole  lot  of  lingo 
what  was  all  bout  Madam  Hortense  what  was 
goin  to  do  a  song  and  dance  at  dat  vaudeville 
teeater  de  next  week* 

44  Say,  Fm  givin  it  to  you  straight ;  dat  mug 
he  waltzes  us  in  tru  de  door  widout  no  tickets ; 
waltzes  us  into  a  box,  chases  de  waiter  out 
after  wine,  and  near  broke  his  neck  sayin  how 
glad  he  was  Madam  Hortense  had  came,  and 
pretty  soon  chases  himself  out  after  de  waiter, 

67 


The  False  Vaudeville  Star. 

what  must  had  de  springhalt,  he  was  so  slow 
wid  de  fizz* 

44  Den  de  Duchess  tells  us  all,  quick,  f  jolly 
de  game ;  dat  de  little  mug  was  de  manager, 
ana  took  her  for  a  new  star  what  had  just  came 
from  France,  what  she'd  read  of;  and  dat  we'd 
own  de  house  in  a  minute  if  de  real  Hortense 
didn't  come  and  queer  de  game. 

44  Say,  you  never  seed  nottin  like  it !  De 
manager  he  come  wid  de  waiter  and  wine,  and 
dudes  came  wid  flowers ;  de  actors  on  top  of  de 
stage,  when  dere  pieces  was  tru,  come  and 
shook  hands,  and  de  dudes  orders  wine;  and 
all  de  time  de  Duchess  let  on  she  couldn't  say 
a  word  of  American,  and  I  had  t'  tell  em  what 
she  was  sayin.  I'd  died  sure,  only  me  friend 
de  barkeep  and  dat  odder  goil  helps  long  de 
jolly.  De  Duchess  had  more  flowers  dan  she 
could  carry,  and  de  whole  gang  had  bout  all  de 
wine  dey  could  carry,  when  de  manager  got  a 
card  what  a  waiter  fetches  him  dat  nearly  par 
alyzed  him.  He  looked  at  de  card,  den  he  look 
ed  at  de  Duchess ;  den  he  said,  like  de  wind  had 
been  knocked  outter  him :  4  Is  dis  lady's  name 
Hortense  Fourette  ? '  he  says. 

"Den  I  jumps  up  and  says,  'Dis  lady's 
name, '  says  1, 4  is  Hortense  Fadden, '  I  says. 

44  Say,  I  taut  for  a  minute  dat  mug  was  go- 
in  t'  have  a  fit*  He  looked  at  de  Duchess,  and 

68 


The  False  Vaudeville  Star. 

he  looked  at  de  card,  and  den  he  gives  me  de 
wink  t'  come  wid  him  out  in  de  hall.  When  I 
chases  out  wid  him  he  says  t'  me  dere  was  a 
mistake,  and  asks  me  who  de  Duchess  was. 
Den  I  says  she's  me  wife, 4  Madam  Hortense  de 
Chimmie  Fadden,'  and  what  was  de  matter 
wid  dat?  I  says*  He  looks  kinder  sick,  and 
says  dat  if  de  owner  knowed  he'd  been  blowin 
off  wine  on  de  wrong  star  he'd  get  it  where  de 
giraffe  got  de  sore  troat — in  de  neck*  Den  I 
made  a  bluff  bout  bein  too  proud  t'  bunco  de 
house  on  no  confidence  game,  and  said  Fd  tell 
de  owner  all  bout  it.  '  Holly  gee ! '  says  de 
mug,  '  don't  do  dat, '  he  says,  and  slips  me  a 
fiver,  and  I  winks  at  him  and  he  winks  at  me 
and  chases  hisself  off  t'  see  de  real  star. 

44  Den  I  goes  back  in  de  box  and  flashes  de 
fiver  at  de  Duchess.  Say,  do  you  know  what 
dat  goil  done  ?  She  makes  me  friend  de  bar- 
keep  pack  out  all  dose  roses  for  de  odder  goil, 
and  when  we  was  in  de  street  she  says,  just  as 
soft  as  a  kid, '  Chames,  give  me  de  fiver.  Me 
toot  feels  much  better  now,'  says  she.  'We 
must  go  back  t'  de  country,  for  de  city's  too 
wicked  for  us. ' 

"Say,  she  ain't  so  worse — I  don't  tink. 
See?" 


Chimmie  and  Little  Miss  Fannie, 


ONG  time    I   don't   see    you.  CHIMMIE 
Well,  we  has  been  down  to  AND  LITTLE 
our  place   in   de   country   all  MISS 
dis  time,  and  was  so  busy  do-  FANNIE- 
in   nottin  dat  dere  wasn't  no 
time  t'  come  chasin  up  t'  town, 
cept  dat  his  Whiskers  took  a 
whirl  into  de  city  onc't  in  a  week  or  so  just  t'  see 
dat  dere  wasn't  no  roof  bein  put  over  Fift  avnoo 
t'  keep  de  sun  from  freckling  de  Willie  boys. 

44  Mr.  Paul  and  Mr.  Burton  was  off  on 
Mr.  Paul's  yacht,  so  I  had  t'  stay  t'  home  t' 
keep  tings  goin  proper,  and  see  dat  everybody 
in  de  county  took  all  de  notice  dey  could  of 
little  Miss  Fannie.  Dat's  Miss  Fannie's  kid, 
and  it's  more  fun  dan  a  chowder  party.  Say, 
dere  ain't  no  one  can  make  dat  kid  close  its 
face  so  sudden  as  me,  cept  Miss  Fannie  herself. 
De  odder  day  Miss  Fannie  drove  over  t'  de  vil 
lage,  shoppin,  takin  de  Duchess  along  wid 
her,  and  left  de  kid  wid  de  nurse,  sayin  dat 
she'd  be  back  before  de  kid  had  any  business  tf 
wake  up,  but  if  she  did  wake  up  den  she  was 
not  t'  be  let  t'  cry,  cause  dat  would  spoil  its  dis 
position.  Dat's  de  very  word  she  used, 4  dispo 
sition, '  which  I  tinks  must  be  de  boardin 

73 


Chimmie  and  Little  Miss  Fannie. 

school  word  for  mout,  as  de  kid's  mout  is  de 
only  part  of  her  what  seems  t'  be  spoilin  when 
she  cries* 

"Well,  I  was  out  on  de  lawn  tellin  de 
gardner  how  t'  cut  de  grass,  and  dat  he  said 
was  a  big  bluff,  cause  I  never  seen  no  grass  only 
what  grows  in  City  Hall  Park  till  last  year.  We 
was  jollyin  like  dat  when  I  hears  little  Miss  Fan 
nie  set  up  a  yell  what  dey  must  have  heard  on 
de  yachts  out  on  de  Sound*  I  went  over  t'  de 
verandy  where  de  kid  was  lyin  on  a  pillow  in 
de  hammock,  and  she  had  turned  over  on  her 
face  and  couldn't  come  right*  De  nurse  was 
off  havin  a  small  chat  wid  de  butler,  which 
Til  take  a  fall  outter  some  old  day,  so  I  tinks 
4  what  t'efl* '  I  tinks,  cause  de  Duchess  had 
told  me  never  t'  take  de  kid  up  for  fear  of 
breakin  it* 

44  Say,  do  you  know  what  I  done  ?  I  says 
t'  de  kid,  says  I,  4  Little  Miss  Fannie, '  I  says, 
4  you  is  down,  but  not  out,  and  is  entitled  t*  de 
benefit  of  de  rule* '  See  ?  So  I  counted  off  ten 
seconds,  but  de  kid  couldn't  get  up,  and  so  den 
I  picks  her  up,  and  she  looks  at  me  like  she  was 
sayin,  'Weft,  Chames,  you  has  some  sense/ 
but  she  was  so  mad  at  de  nurse  she  kept  right 
on  spoilin  her  disposition;  bawlin  like  her 
grip  had  got  stranded  in  de  cable  and  she 
couldn't  let  go* 

74 


Chimmie  and  Little  Miss  Fannie. 

44  Say,  I  was  more  crazy,  cause  I  was  tinkin 
bout  what  de  Duchess  had  warned  me,  and  I 
didn't  know  but  dat  I'd  fetched  someting  loose 
in  de  kid's  kit,  and  it  might  go  off  its  feed,  and 
den  Miss  Fannie  would  have  a  fit ;  and  only 
dat  de  gardner  was  lookin  at  me  and  sayin, 
'I  guess,  Chames,  you  learned  t'  be  a  nurse 
where  you  learned  to  cut  grass ; '  only  for  dat 
I'd  trun  little  Miss  Fannie  in  de  hammock  and 
chased  after  de  nurse* 

44  So  I  says  t'  de  gardner,  says  1 :  4  Where 
I  came  from  folks  learns  all  sorts  of  tings, '  I 
says, 4  even  t'  not  talkin  too  much, '  says  I,  and 
I  gives  de  kid  a  toss  in  me  two  arms,  like  dey 
was  a  cradle,  and  I  starts  singin  to  it*  Say,  you 
never  heard  me  chant,  did  you?  Well,  dere 
ain't  many  in  it  wid  me  on  or  off  de  Bowry 
when  it  comes  t'  singin*  Why,  de  very  min 
ute  I  pipes  up,  little  Miss  Fannie  shuts  her  face 
and  looks  at  me,  sprised  like,  at  first,  and  den 
she  starts  t'  laughin  as  hard  as  his  Whiskers 
when  he  tells  a  story  after  his  second  bot*  Dis 
is  de  song  I  sung,  and  it  goes  wid  any  old  Irish 
tune: 

Wan  marnin  early  Oi  arose 
And  Oi  put  on  me  workin  close, 
And  phare  in  th'  wurruld  d'ye  think  Oi  goes  ? 
Up!  up!  up!  up!  t*  Wan  Hoondred and  Ninety-sixth 
street 

7$ 


Chimmie  and  Little  Miss  Fannie. 

Dthe  spheedway  thrack  dthey're  buildin  dthere, 
But  all  us  terriers  live  afar 
From  Cherry  Hill,  wid  divil  a  car — 
Up!  up!  up!  up!  f  Wan  Hoondred  and  Ninety-sixth 
street. 

It's  dthere  ycz  work  wid  pick  and  drill ; 
And  dthere  wid  work  yez  get  yer  fill ; 
And  dthere  wid  work  yer  toim  yez  fill — 
Up !  up !  up !  up !  t'  Wan  Hoondred  and  Ninety-sixth 
street. 

Shure,  whin  our  daily  work  is  o'er, 
Bedad,  our  bones  is  tired  and  sore, 
And  we'll  be  glad  to  tramp  no  more 
Up !  up !  up !  up !  t'  Wan  Hoondred  and  Ninety-sixth 
street. 

44  Say,  I  made  a  hit  dat  time  if  I  never  did 
before  in  me  life.  Little  Miss  Fannie  wouldn't 
let  me  stop  till  I'd  sung  dat  song  near  a  million 
times ;  me  walkin  up  and  down  de  verandy  wid 
her  all  de  time  till  I  was  so  hot  I  had  a  tirst  on 
me  like  a  man  what  had  been  runnin  a  lawn- 
mower  in  de  sun  all  day.  I  was  just  tinkin  dat 
me  arms  would  drop  off  in  anodder  minute  if  de 
kid  didn't  go  t'  sleep,  when  she  shut  her  eyes, 
and  dat  minute  Miss  Fannie  and  de  Duchess 
drove  into  de  gate. 

"Say,  I  didn't  know  what  t'ell,  cause  I 
didn't  know  how  t'  put  de  kid  back  in  de  ham 
mock,  cause  its  head  was  where  its  feet  was 
before,  and  I  couldn't  turn  it  round,  and  of 
76 


Chimmie  and  Little  Miss  Fannie. 

course  I  coaldn't  run  out  and  hold  de  horset  like 
I  ought  to,  wid  de  kid  in  me  arms*  Not  know- 
in  what  else  t'  do,  I  runs  out  t'  de  cart,  and, 
handin  de  kid  to  Miss  Fannie,  who  was  near 
paralyzed  wid  sprise,  I  says,  'Miss  Fannie/ 
says  I, '  just  take  de  kid  easy  so  as  not  t'  wake 
her,  and  Pll  take  de  horse, '  I  says,  and  den  I 
began  again : 

Up!  up!  up!  up!  t'  Wan  Hoondred  and  Ninety-sixth 
street* 

44  De  Duchess  looked  like  she'd  take  a  fall 
outter  me  de  first  chanst  she'd  get,  but  Miss 
Fannie  jumped  from  de  cart,  and  seein  dat  de 
kid  was  sleepin  as  fine  as  a  mud  turtle  she 
laughed  and  says :  4  Why,  Chames, '  says  she, 
takin  little  Miss  Fannie,  4  you're  de  best  nurse 
dere  is  in  de  house,  cept  me*  We  was  delayed 
in  de  village,  and  it's  past  de  hour  for  de  baby's 
dinner,  and  mostly  nobody  can't  quiet  her  at 
dose  times  cept  me*  Dat  must  be  a  very  lullin 
song  you  sung* " 

44 4 Lullin, '  says  I,  'you're  straight;  it 
is  a  lulu* ' 

"So  dat  night  Miss  Fannie  told  all  de 
folks  at  dinner  what  a  lulu  I  was,  and  his 
Whiskers,  he  says,  'Chames,'  says  he,  'you 
has  done  yourself  so  proud  dat  I  tink  you 
is  due  on  a  day  off,  and  to-morrow  you  can  go 

77 


Chimmie  and  Little  Miss  Fannie. 

t'  de  city  and  look  at  a  bull  pup  I  has  me  eye 
on, '  he  says* 

44  Dafs  de  way  I  happens  t'  be  down  here 
t'  day*  I'm  just  goin  t*  look  at  dat  bull  pup* 
Was  I  tellin  you  bout  him  ?  " 


The  Duchess  Pkys  Even, 


THE 


'RAPS,    de    Duchess    will   get 
me  turned  down  so  hard  one  DUCHESS 
of  dese  days  I'll  never  get  de  PLAYS 
wrinkles  took  outter  me*   Sure*  EVEN- 
Fd  get  dead  sore  on  de  Duch 
ess  if  it  wasn't  dat  she's  de 
boss  jollier  you  ever  seed,  and 
you  can't  keep  mad  wid  her  long*     We  is  all 
down  at  Mr*  Burton's  place  in  de  country  yet, 


and  I'm  up  in  de  city  to-day  tendin  to  sendin 
some  tings  down  dere  what  dose  fool  servants 
didn't  pack  up  when  we  went  down*  I  has  t' 
do  all  dose  tings  now,  de  Duchess  and  me  has 
to,  cause  Miss  Fannie  won't  let  no  one  else  do 
em  for  her,  and  I  guess  dey'd  all  starve  t'  deat 
and  not  have  no  close  t'  wear  if  it  wasn't  for 
me  takin  care  of  em, 

"We  went  t'  de  country  just  before  de 
lection  cause  his  Whiskers  and  Mr*  Burton 
and  Mr*  Paul  used  t'  jaw  and  jaw  so  much 
bout  politics  and  bosses  and  Mugwuatfps  and 
dinky  tings  like  dose  dat  Miss  Fannie  she  just 
bundled  de  whole  gang  off  t'  de  country,  where 
dey'd  have  someting  else  t'  jaw  bout  and 
couldn't  vote*  We  is  goin  t'  stay  over  Tanks- 
given  Day,  what's  a  day  de  President  makes  at 

Si 


The  Duchess  Plays  Even. 

Albany  when  folks  don't  have  t'  make  no  ex 
cuse  for  gettin  a  load*  Dat's  right* 

44  well,  as  I  was  tellin  you,  we  was  all 
down  in  de  country  de  time  when  dey  had  de 
horse  show  at  de  Madison  Square  Garden* 
One  day  Miss  Fannie  tells  me  and  de  Duchess 
t'  chase  ourselves  up  t'  town  t'  get  some  tings 
from  de  house  what  she  wanted,  and  de  Duch 
ess  she  gives  me  a  wink  and  tells  me  t'  sneak 
me  dress  suit  along  wid  me  what  Mr*  Burton 
give  me,  and  we'd  have  some  fun* 

'"What  fell?'  I  says  to  her*  'What's 
your  game  ? '  I  says,  like  dat*  See  ? 

44  She  tells  me  t'  saw  wood  and  say  nottin 
till  we  was  up  in  town ;  so  I  says  nottin,  but 
just  sneaks  me  clawhammer  wid  us,  and  we 
come  away  lookin  as  pious  as  a  parson* 

44  Say,  what  do  you  tink  ?  ,  Dat  Duchess 
had  pinched  de  tickets  t'  Miss  Fannie's  box  at 
de  horse  show*  Sure !  I  treatened  t'  give  her 
a  good  lickin  for  it,  but  she  just  laughed  and 
says  dat  Miss  Fannie  and  none  of  our  folks  was 
goin  t'  use  de  tickets,  and  what  was  de  harm 
of  our  usin  dem  so  as  t'  give  de  horse  show 
some  style* 

44  Say,  what  de  you  tinfc  of  dat  goil  ?  She's 
a  angel — I  don't  tinfc ! 

44  Well,  when  we  packed  up  de  tings  at  de 
house  what  was  wanted,  and  went  t'  de  candy 
82 


The  Duchess  Plays  Even. 

shop  and  de  flower  store  for  some  dude  tings 
Mr*  Paul  wanted  for  Miss  Fannie — it's  always 
Mr*  Paul  and  not  Mr*  Burton  what  orders  dose 
dude  tings  for  Miss  Fannie,  which  I  tink  is  queer 
and  wnich  de  Duchess  doesn't — well,  when 
we'd  done  all  our  errants  and  had  dinner,  de 
Duchess  tells  me  t'  put  on  me  harness,  me  claw 
hammer,  and  she  skipped  t'  Miss  Fannie's  room* 

"  Say,  dat  goil  would  make  a  actor  lady 
out  on  top  of  de  stage.  Sure*  You  never  seed 
de  like  of  her  when  she  waltzes  out  of  Miss 
Fannie's  room*  I  was  paralyzed*  I  taut  I  was 
off  me  base  and  dat  it  was  Miss  Fannie  for  a 
minute*  She  was  all  made  up  in  Miss  Fannie's 
close  and  hat  and  gloves  and  had  dose  dinky 
glasses  what  you  looks  tru  at  de  teeater,  and 
she  was  out  of  sight  till  she  opened  her  mout  t' 
talk,  and  den  she  was  de  Duchess,  straight* 

44  She  looked  me  over,  and  den  made  me 
part  me  hair  in  de  middle  and  plaster  it  down 
each  side,  and  put  on  a  collar  dat  was  so  high 
it  chucked  me  chin  back  so  far  I  looked  like  I 
was  smellin  someting  bad,  and  den  she  said  I 
was  'oh  fay/  what's  dago  for  'fit,'  and  we 
chases  ourselves  t'  de  show* 

"Before  we  chases  ourselves  I  told  de 
Duchess  dat  she  couldn't  go  till  she  swore  dat 
she  wasn't  up  t'  no  game  what  would  queer 
Miss  Fannie* 


The  Duchess  Plays  Even. 

44  Say,  den  she  told  me  de  greatest  song 
and  dance  you  ever  heard,  what  was  so  mixed 
up  dat  I  couldn't  tumble  to  all  of  it,  but  de  game 
as  near  as  I  could  get  on  was  someting  like  dis: 
Miss  Fannie  was  in  England  wid  his  Whiskers 
onct,  which  you  has  to  go  furder  dan  Sandy 
Hook  t'  get  to,  where  she  met  a  mug  what  you 
has  to  say  *  Sir '  to  before  you  says  his  name, 
De  Duchess  knows  all  dis,  cause  she  was  wid 
Miss  Fannie,  you  see,  and  she  knowed  dat  his 
Whiskers  had  blowed  off  de  mug  at  his  house 
here,  and  his  club,  when  Miss  Fannie  was  in 
school,  before  dey  went  t'  England.  But  in 
England  de  mug  never  blowed  off  his  Whiskers, 
but  only  just  called  on  him  and  Miss  Fannie 
onct,  for  a  minute,  what's  de  way  dose  mugs  do, 
de  Duchess  says. 

44  Say,  dis  is  an  awful  long  yarn  and  near 
ly  makes  me  crazy  t'  remember  it  all.  Tanks, 
I  wouldn't  mind.  Here's  lookin  at  you. 

44  Well,  as  I  was  tellin  you,  de  mug  comes 
over  t'  dis  country  again  and  chases  himself  up 
to  our  house,  and  when  he  finds  dat  Miss  Fan 
nie  is  at  de  country  place,  what  do  you  tink  he 
does  ?  He  must  be  a  real  gent — I  don't  tink* 
He  writes  t'  Miss  Fannie,  and,  holly  gee !  he 
makes  a  bluff  dat  he's  waitin  for  t'  be  invited  t' 
de  country  place.  Dat's  straight,  for  de  Duch 
ess  saw  his  letter  after  Miss  Fannie  trun  it  away. 
84 


The  Duchess  Plays  Even. 

De  Duchess  seed  dat  Miss  Fannie  was  mad  at 
de  mug's  cheek,  after  de  way  he  turned  em 
down  in  England,  and  so  de  Duchess  she  puts 
up  de  job  I'm  tellin  you  bout* 

'*  Well,  we  goes  t'  de  horse  show,  and  sits 
in  de  box,  and  pretty  soon  de  Duchess  seed  de 
very  mug  we  was  layin  for  walkin  along  lookin 
at  a  paper  where  was  printed  de  names  of  de 
folks  what  owned  boxes,  and  den  lookin  at  de 
folks  in  de  box.  When  he  seed  us  he  looks  at 
his  paper,  and  den  at  us  again,  and  den  he  hoists 
his  dicer,  and  de  Duchess  she  bowed,  and  I 
hoists  me  dicer  and  I  bows,  and  de  mug  chases 
up  to  our  box* 

"De  Duchess  she  whispers  t'  me  t'  do 
most  of  de  gabbing,  for,  says  she,  '  He'll  tink 
your  Bowery  patwah  is  Yankee  brogue/ 

44  Dem's  her  very  langwudge, 4  Me  Bowery 
patwah !:  I'd  like  t'  know  what  t'ell,  dat's 
what  I'd  like  t'  know* 

44 1  didn't  have  no  time  t'  give  her  a  roast, 
for  de  mug  comes  into  de  box  Tike  he  owned  it 
and  begins  tellin  de  Duchess  dat  he  heered  of 
her  marriage,  tinkin  she  was  Miss  Fannie,  see  ? 
and  turns  to  me  and  says, 4  Mr*  Burton,  I  spose, ' 
and  de  Duchess  nearly  stamps  me  foot  off  t' 
keep  me  mout  shut* 

"Say,  I  never  fcnowed  de  Duchess  was 
such  a  dead  game  sport*  De  mug  never  called 

85 


The  Duchess  Plays  Even. 

her  down  onct,  cause  stid  of  talkin  she  just  most 
ly  smiled  and  answered  wid  her  shoulders  and 
hands  and  eyes,  like  dose  French  forners  can, 
and  only  spoke  de  few  American  words  what 
she  can  speak  like  me* 

"I  chipped  in  whenever  de  Duchess  give 
me  de  wink,  but  it  was  a  hard  game,  and  I  was 
glad  when  de  Duchess  said  we  must  go* 

44  De  mug  says  he'd  see  us  to  our  carriage, 
and  I  says  dat  de  carriages  was  in  de  country, 
and  we'd  walk  home*  Den  he  says  could  he 
walk  along  ?  And  when  we  was  opposite  Del's 
he  says  what's  de  matter  wid  a  glass  of  wine 
and  a  little  supper  ?  Say,  I  never  taut  de  Duch 
ess  would  run  de  bluff  dat  far ;  but  she  was  out 
for  blood,  and  her  eyes  was  just  dancin  wid  de 
fun  she  was  havin  wid  de  mug* 

44  Well,  we  went  into  Del's  and  de  mug  ast 
de  Duchess  wouldn't  she  order*  Would  she ! 
holly  gee !  Say,  you'd  died  t'  hear  her  rattle  off 
de  order  t'  de  waiter  what  understood  her  forn 
langwudge*  I  guess  de  mug  didn't  understand, 
cause  he  looked  easy  until  de  waiter  began 
bringin  on  de  wine  and  grub  and  den  he  near 
fell  in  a  fit*  I  don't  tink  dere  was  much  left  in 
de  pantry  nor  de  wine  cellar  when  dey'd  brought 
de  Duchess's  order*  Sure* 

44 1  tink  de  mug  began  t'  tumble  before  we'd 
finished  dat  supper,  for  de  Duchess  began  talkin 

86 


The  Duchess  Plays  Even. 

as  fast  as  a  quarter-horse  after  she'd  tackled  de 
second  cold  bot*  He  began  t'  look  at  bote  of 
us  a  little  queer,  and  den  he  ast,  eyin  de  Duch 
ess  pretty  hard,  when  was  he  expected  up  t'  de 
country  place*  De  Duchess  looked  at  him  hard 
er  dan  he  looked  at  her,  and  den  she  made  her 
eyes  bigger  dan  silver  dollars,  and  says,  like 
she  was  paralyzed  wid  sprise,  says  she, '  Who 
do  you  take  us  for  ? ' 

44 '  For  Mr*  and  Mrs*  Burton/  says  de  mug, 
kinder  wite  round  de  gills* 

44  Den  de  Duchess  give  me  de  wink  to  trow 
him  down,  and  I  says,  says  I,  like  I  was  a  actor* 
I  says :  '  What  t'ell ! '  I  says*  '  Dis  is  Mrs* 
Burton's  maid,  and  I'm  Mr*  Burton's  man* 
See  ? '  I  says  like  dat, 4  See  ? '  says  I* 

44  Say,  I  don't  tink  he  did  see,  for  he  shut 
his  eyes  like  he  was  knocked  out,  while  de  folks 
at  de  odder  table  near  died  laughin,  lots  of  dem 
bein  swell  mugs  what  fcnowed  us  by  sight,  and 
bein  onto  our  game  from  de  start*  Den  we 
chased  ourselves,  haughty  like,  while  de  gilly 
we'd  done  was  hypotized." 


Mr,  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow, 


OLLY  gee!  Mr.  Paul  will  be  de  MR 
deat  of  me  one  of  dese  old  AND  A 
days,  unless  I  die  before  me  WILY 
time;  and  if  his  Whiskers  ever  WIDOW 
gets  on  t'  de  games  Mr.  Paul 
is  always  puttin  up,  den  his 
Whiskers  will  be  de  deat  of 


Mr*  Paul,  and  dat  would  do  de  wine  trade  no 
good. 

"Listen  till  I  tell  you:  We  had  what  dey 
calls  a  fancy-dress  bal  mask  out  to  our  country 
house  de  odder  day,  what  all  de  swell  mugs 
what  has  country  houses  round  dere  for  miles 
comes  to;  and  we  had  a  house  party  de  same 
time,  what's  a  party  what  lasts  a  week,  and 
don't  last  no  longer,  cause  if  it  did  it  would  be 
a  scrappin  party ;  all  cept  Mr.  Paul,  who  never 
don't  quarrel  wid  nobody.  See  ? 

44  Well,  in  de  house  party  dere  was  a  widdy 
what  ain't  got  a  cent,  only  she's  a  corker  for 
good  looks,  and  has  a  last  name  wid  two  parts 
to  it  and  a  full  stop  in  de  middle  of  it,  and  some- 
ting  dey  calls  a  '  peddy  gree'  a  mile  long,  dough 
I  never  seed  it,  unless  it's  what  she  fixes  onto 
her  dress  and  drags  after  her  when  dey  goes  in 
t'  dinner. 

91 


Mr.  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow. 

"Say,  I  always  taut  dat  widdys  was  old* 
Dey  is  down  where  I  lives,  and  has  rhumatiz, 
and  never  has  no  fun ;  but  dis  widdy  don't  trot 
in  dat  class*  Why,  dis  one  ain't  much  older 
dan  de  Duchess,  who  ain't  much  older  dan  me, 
and  she  ain't  got  no  rhumatiz,  for  she's  livelier 
on  her  pins  dan  a  cable  car  goin  round  Union 
Square*  Everybody  says  dat  she  ain't  got  a 
penny,  but  dat  don't  mean  de  same  ting  in  de 
purlieus — say,  dat's  a  winner,  dat  *  purlieus*' 
Do  you  cop  it  ?  — it  don't  mean  de  same  ting  in 
de  purlieus  of  de  airstockracy  as  it  do  in  de 
Fort  ward*  Say,  I'm  dead  on  t'  dat*  Listen : 
De  odder  day  I  was  comin  in  t'  town  for  some 
errants  for  Miss  Fannie,  when  de  widdy  cops 
me,  and  she  says  t'  Miss  Fannie,  says  she, 
4 Fannie,  dear,'  she  says,  'can  your  man  do 
a  errant  or  two  for  me  ? '  says  she* 

"'Cert'nly,  me  dear,'  says  Miss  Fannie, 
and  de  widdy,  she  says,  *  Me  man,'  says  she, 
giving  me  a  paper, '  just  stop  in  t'  dose  places 
and  leave  dose  orders*  Here's  me  purse*  If  it 
hasn't  enough  in  it,  just  have  some  of  em 
charged*'  Say,  she  started  t'  hand  me  her  wad, 
and  it  was  a  lulu ;  but  it  had  a  string  on  it,  for 
she  pulls  it  back  and  says  t'  Miss  Fannie, 4  No, 
me  dear ;  you  know  I  hasn't  a  cent  in  de  woeld, 
and  I  must  practise  economy*  Your  man  can 
have  em  all  charged*' 
92 


Mr.  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow. 

44  Say,  what  do  you  tink  of  her  ? 

44  Dose  tings  I  orders  for  her  was  flowers 
and  candy  ana  bunnets  and  dinky  stuff  in  de 
dry-goods  store,  and  golf  sticks  and  gloves  and 
I  don't  know  what  t'ell,  and  I  never  put  up  a 
bean ;  never  showed  de  color  of  de  long  green 
onct*  But  de  clerks  gives  me  de  glad  hand  like 
Fd  trun  boodle  all  over  de  stores* 

44 1  wisht  some  of  dose  widdys  down  where 
I  usty  live  had  a  dead  easy  graft  like  dak 

44  Well,  I  was  goin  t'  ten  you  bout  de  fancy- 
dress  party — I  was  de  fanciest  dressed  party  dere 
dat  night*  Before  it  comes  along  his  Whiskers 
was  gettin  t'  be  a  regular  steady  for  de  widdy, 
and  she  was  givin  him  de  greatest  jolly  I  ever 
piped  in  me  life* 

44  Say,  Miss  Fannie  was  dead  sore  on  de 
game  between  his  Whiskers  and  de  widdy*  I 
copped  dat  she  was  before  de  Duchess  tells  me* 
Dere  ain't  nottin  much  dat  bodders  Miss  Fannie 
dat  I  ain't  on  to  before  any  one  else  is,  cause  I'd 
radder  run  up  against  it  meself,  even  if  it  was  a 
trolley  car,  dan  t'  have  Miss  Fannie  sore  a  little 
bit  about  anyting*  Dat's  right*  She  always 
done  me  right* 

"Well,  de  Duchess  she  tells  me  dat  de 
widdy  was  really  stuck  on  Mr*  Paul,  but  she 
seed  she  couldn't  work  no  graft  dere,  so  she 
was  makin  a  slick  play  t'  land  his  Whiskers, 

93 


Mr.  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow. 

and  Miss  Fanny  was  dead  leary  dat  de  widdy 
would  win  out*  De  game  couldn't  suit  de 
widdy  better  if  it  was  a  lead-pipe  cinch* 

"Den  I  says  t'  de  Duchess,  I  says,  'What 
t'ell ! '  I  says,  and  she  says  so,  too,  only  in  dat 
forn  langwudge  she  spouts  when  she's  tinkin 
hard  tinks*  But  we  couldn't  rig  a  job  t'  queer 
de  widdy's  game,  dough  I  said  'What  t'ell' 
fifty  times*  I  taut  I'd  have  t'  set  de  bull  pup  on 
her  and  do  her,  cause  de  pup  would  die  happy 
if  he  had  one  round  wid  de  widdy's  ankles* 
She  kicks  de  pup  every  chanst  she  gets* 

"  De  Duchess  said  dat  wouldn't  go,  cause 
if  de  pup  done  de  widdy  de  pup  would  have  t' 
go,  and  dat  would  break  little  Miss  Fannie's 
heart,  what's  dead  chummy  wid  de  pup*  See  ? 

44  Say,  we  was  near  crazy  for  fear  dat  de 
widdy  would  win  out  in  a  walk,  till  Mr*  Paul, 
de  night  before  de  party,  calls  me  and  de  Duch 
ess  in  t'  his  rooms,  and  he  says,  like  he  wasn't 
tinkin  much  about  nottin,  "  Duchess/  he  says, 
'did  you  ever  see  dese  close  before?'  and  he 
held  up  a  dinky  suit  of  close  like  what  Dagos 
wears  in  Mexico,  wid  a  big  sash,  and  a  dicer 
wid  a  brim  on  it  bigger  dan  what  women  wears 
t'  de  teeater  when  dey  sits  in  front  of  you* 

44  4  Sure,'  says  de  Duchess*  4  Sure  dose  is 
de  close  you  wored  at  de  bal  mask  last  mont/ 
she  says* 

94 


Mr.  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow. 

"'Do  you  link  his  Whiskers  would  re 
member  de  close  ? '  he  ast* 

"De  Duchess  says  his  Whiskers  would 
sure  cop  em,  cause  she  heard  his  Whiskers 
talkin  bout  how  swell  Mr*  Paul  looked  in  de 
close* 

44  4  Den  you  take  dese,'  says  Mr*  Paul  t'  me, 
4  and  put  em  on  t'morry  night  and  come  t'  my 
rooms/  Den  he  asts  de  Duchess  if  she  knowed 
what  de  widdy  is  t'  wear,  and  of  course  de 
Duchess  was  dead  on,  for  dat's  her  business  t' 
know  such  tings* 

444 Could  you  get  yourself  up  like  her?' 
says  Mr*  Paul* 

'De  Duchess  she  begins  t'  tumble,  and 
she  says,  near  havin  a  fit  wid  de  fun,  dat 
she  could  make  herself  a  dead  ringer  for  de 
widdy  if  she  had  two  hours  in  de  Broadway 
shops  de  next  day,  and  Mr*  Paul  said  she  could 
go  t'  town  if  she  ast  Miss  Fannie,  and  he  gives 
de  Duchess  a  wad  de  size  of  a  house  t'  shop 
wid* 

"Well,  say,  de  next  evenin  me  and  de 
Duchess,  all  rigged  out  in  our  monkey  close, 
chases  ourselves  t'  Mr*  Paul's  room,  and  Mr* 
Paul  says  dat  we  looks  such  dead  ringers  for 
him  and  de  widdy  dat  he'd  have  to  open  a 
small  bottle  or  else  he'd  tinfc  he  was  seein 
double* 

95 


Mr.  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow. 

"'  You're  all  right,  Duchess/  said  Mr, 
Paul;  '  cept  dat  you  must  wear  dis  ribbon  in 
your  hair/  and  he  gives  her  a  piece  of  ribbon 
like  de  color  of  a  house  afire* 

44  4  Now,  you  two/  he  says,  4  at  JO  o'clock 
chases  yourself  t'  de  conservatory  and  stay  dere 
till  you  cops  his  Whiskers;  and  when  you  cops 
him  pretend  not  t'  cop  him,  but  just  get  tick  as 
two  tieves  and  spoon  a  little,  but  not  too  much* 

44  Say,  what  do  you  tink  of  him  ?  I  wasn't 
dead  on  till  de  Duchess  gives  me  a  pointer* 
She  tells  me  dat  de  ribbon  Mr.  Paul  had  give  t' 
string  t'  her  hair  was  de  same  as  de  widdy  had 
borryed  from  Miss  Fannie  dat  very  day,  and 
de  Duchess  put  me  on  dat  de  ribbon  was  de 
ting  dat  his  Whiskers  was  t'  know  de  widdy 
by,  cause  all  de  folkses  was  t'  wear  masks  over 
dere  mugs  till  de  supper*  See?  Do  you  cop? 

"Say,  we  hadn't  been  dere,  me  and  de 
Duchess,  in  de  conservtory  more  dan  a  minute 
before  I  cops  his  Whiskers  come  waltzin  in 
like  a  two-year-old*  He  was  in  his  right  uose, 
cause  he  and  Mr*  Burton  had  been  givin  de 
folks  de  glad  hand  when  dey  corned  t'  de 
house* 

"De  Duchess  was  standin  so  as  a  light 
shined  plumb  on  dat  ribbon*  and  I  was  standin 
wid  me  Dago  dicer  drawed  over  me  mug  like, 
wid  me  shoulders  kinder  slimpsy,  like  Mr*  Paul 


Mr.  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow. 

stands.  All  of  a  suddent  his  Whiskers  cops  us, 
and,  say,  honest,  I  near  quitted  de  game,  cause 
I  seed  outter  de  corner  of  me  eye  dat  his 
Whiskers  had  been  jolted  hard* 

44  But  I  fcnowed  Mr.  Paul  had  laid  out  de 
game  for  Miss  Fannie's  sake,  and  so  I  lifted  de 
Duchess's  mug,  and,  pretendin  not  t'  cop  his 
Whiskers,  I  smacks  her  wid  a  kiss  square  on 
de  mout. 

"Say,  his  Whiskers  staggered  so  dat  he 
near  loses  his  base,  and  he  chases  from  de  place 
like  he'd  seen  a  ghost. 

44  Den  we  sneaks  upstairs  and  puts  on  our 
right  close,  and  shows  ourselves  wid  de  odder 
help  what  was  servin  tings  where  his  Whiskers 
could  see  us. 

44  Say,  what  do  you  tink  Mr.  Paul  had 
done  ?  He'd  hitched  on  t'  de  widdy  so  sweet 
dat  she  taut  she  had  him  landed,  and  dat  made 
her  break  her  date  wid  his  Whiskers  in  de 
conservatory,  and  den  as  soon  as  his  Whiskers 
comes  out  from  dere  Mr.  Paul  goes  up  t'  him 
so  as  his  Whiskers  could  see  he  wasn't  rigged 
up  like  a  Mexican  Dago.  See  ?  All  de  rest  of 
de  night  his  Whiskers  was  kinder  snookin 
round  like  a  Headquarters  detective,  lookin  for 
de  mug  wid  de  Mexican  Dago  close,  but  he 
never  copped  him  no  more,  and  he  looked  like 
he  was  sayin  4  What  t'ell '  all  de  time. 

97 


Mr.  Paul  and  a  Wily  Widow 

u  De  next  mornin  he  chases  himself  t'  town 
before  de  widely  was  up,  and  he  never  corned 
back  till  de  widdy  went,  and  Mr*  Paul  he 
chases  himself,  and  he  never  corned  back  till  de 
widdy  went,  and  den  it  was  de  widdy  what 
looked  like  she  was  sayin  'What  t'ell/ 

44 1  never  tumbled  t'  wedder  Miss  Fannie 
was  on  t*  de  game  or  not,  but  after  de  widdy 
chases  herself  Miss  Fannie  gives  de  Duchess  a 
swell  dress  and  says,  'Hortense,  dis  ribbon 
matches  dat  dress/  and  it  was  de  ribbon  what 
de  Duchess  and  de  widdy  wored  de  night  of  de 
party. 

'  Chimmie/  says  de  Duchess  t'  me, 4  wid 
a  French  maid  and  a  Bowry  boy  and  Mr. 
Paul  t9  manage  em  de  game  can't  be  beat. 
Nest  pa?' 

"'Not  in  a  tousand  years,  Duchess/  I 
says.  See  ?  n 


Miss  Fannie's  Music  Gale* 


NOW  our  little    Miss    Fannie  MISS 
what's  Miss  Fannie's  girl  kid?  FANNIE'S 
Well,    say,  she's   a  wonder.  MUSIC 
She's  just  beginin  t'  walk  and  GALE- 
Mr.  Paul  is  trainin  her  for  a 
six-day  match,  and  she  goes 
sailin  acrost  de  parlor  when  her 
nurse  fetches  her  t'  show  off  t'  Mr.  Paul,  like 
she  had  bote  wings  and  skates ;  and  when  she  goes 
bang !  on  her  mug  she  never  peeps,  but  only 
looks  kinder  wuzzy  till  she  gets  her  breat  again, 
cause  Mr.  Paul  he  learnt  her  dat  it's  fun  t'  get 
hurted,  so  as  she  wouldn't  holler. 

44  Dat  was  de  little  game  he  put  up,  so  as 
he  could  see  more  of  de  kid  what  he  is  cranky 
about,  see  ?  When  he  first  uster  learnt  her  t' 
walk  she'd  yell  murder  when  she'd  jolt  her 
conk.  Eh?  Don't  you  cop  dat:  'jolt  her 
conk?'  Why,  dat's  bump  her  head.  Sure. 
Say,  you  otter  hire  somebody  t'  learn  you 
right  English. 

"well,  as  I  was  tellin  you,  when  little 
Miss  Fannie  would  jolt  her  conk  she'd  yell 
murder,  and  her  mudder  and  her  nurse  and  her 
granfadder  <;r*d  de  Duchess  and  me  nibs  and  de 
whole  gang  would  chase  ourselves  t'  see  what 


101 


Miss  Fannie's  Music  Gale. 


t'ell*  Den  Miss  Fannie  she'd  take  de  kid,  and 
fuss,  and  fetch  it  away,  and  Mr*  Paul  would 
look  like  he'd  upset  a  small  bot  down  a  lady's 
neck,  and  Miss  Fannie  wouldn't  let  him  have 
de  kid  no  more  for  a  week* 

44  Den  he  played  a  great  tinkin  part,  and  he 
says  t'  me  one  day  when  we  was  down  town 
togedder  lookin  for  a  bull  pup — was  I  tellin  you 
bout  dat  bull  pup  ? — what  he  was  wantin  t'  buy 
for  little  Miss  Fannie,  he  says, 4  Chimmie, '  says 
he, '  Chimmie,  dis  woeld  is  a  vale  of  tears, ' 
says  he,  and  dose  is  his  very  langwudge,  4  dis 
woeld  is  a  vale  of  tears  just  because  mudders 
makes  it  so* ' 

44  Den  I  says, '  What  t'ell, '  I  says,  like  dat ; 
not  bein  on  t'  what  he  was  coppin  me, '  What 
t'ell*'  See? 

44  4  Zactly, '  he  says,  4  dat's  de  very  point  I 
was  goin  t'  give  to  you.  'What  t'ellis  de 
use, '  he  says,  of  learnin  a  kid  t'  cry  when  it's 
hurted  ?  If  a  kid  is  learnt  t'  laugh  stid  of  t'  cry 
de  gaiety  of  nations ' — dose  is  his  very  words, 
de  dude  words  what  Mr*  Paul  uses  when  he 
don't  mean  nottin — 4  de  gaiety  of  nations  will  be 
enriched  by  all  which  now  is  pain, '  says  he* 

44  Of  course  a  mug  can't  mean  nottin  when 
he  makes  a  song  and  dance  like  dose  lang 
wudge,  so  I  just  says,  'What  t'ell, '  so  as  t'  be 
sociable,  and  he  goes  on  stringin  me,  like  he 

102 


Miss  Fannie's  Music  Gale. 

can,  and  he  says  he's  goin  t'  practise  on  little 
Miss  Fannie  t'  prove  dat  a  kid  gets  just  as  much 
satisfaction  outter  a  laugh  as  outter  a  cry* 

"Say,  he  done  it*  Dat's  right*  De  next 
time  he  got  little  Miss  Fannie  she  near  cracked 
her  conk  gainst  a  chair,  and  Mr*  Paul  he  be 
gins  t'  laugh  like  he'd  have  a  fit,  and  he  grabs 
up  little  Miss  Fannie  what  hadn't  got  her  breat 
yet,  and  he  laughs  and  says  how  funny  it  was, 
and,  when  she  got  over  lookin  wuzzy  wid  de 
jolt,  she  begins  t'  laugh;  but  she's  lookin  kinder 
like  she  dion't  know  what  t'ell,  all  de  same,  and 
from  dat  time  de  kid  never  hollered  murder  onct 
when  she  was  hurted,  cause  she  tinks  it's  de 
right  game  t'  give  de  laugh*  See  ? 

"  But  listen  till  I  tell  you ;  dat  wasn't  what 
I  was  goin  t'  give  you  a  song  and  dance  bout* 
Only  when  I  gets  talkin  of  little  Miss  Fannie  I 
never  don't  know  when  t'  stop*  You  otter  see 
her  wid  de  bull  pup*  Say,  you'd  die  if  you'd 
see  de  heavenly  look  on  dat  bull  pup's  mug 
when  little  Miss  Fannie  gets  him  by  bote  ears 
and  bangs  his  conk  on  de  floor*  You'd  tink 
everyting  had  come  his  way  since  he  was 
borned*  But  I'll  tell  you  bout  dat  some  odder 
day* 

44  What  I  was  goin  t'  tell  you  bout  was  de 
music  gale  we  had  up  to  our  house*  I  don't 
know  just  what  t'ell  a  music  gale  is,  cept  dat  it's 

103 


Miss  Fannie's  Music  Gale. 

when  a  lot  of  swell  mugs  what  can't  make 
music  has  a  gale  in  makin  a  front  dat  dey  is 
makin  music,  and  dat  makes  it  a  music  gale,  I 
spose* 

44  Dis  one  was  for  de  benefit  of  de  hospital 
where  dere  is  kids  wid  crooked  legs  and  backs, 
what  Miss  Fannie  tends  to,  and  every  one 
what  got  a  invite  had  t*  pungle  five  plunks* 

14  Well,  say,  it  was  de  dinkiest  music  you 
ever  heard,  cept  when  Miss  Fannie  played  on 
de  harp,  and  dat  was  a  peach*  Sure*  After  dat, 
after  she  had  played,  tings  was  goin  worse  dan 
a  cable  car  wid  a  broke  grip ;  it  was  what  de 
Duchess  called  a  sucsay  de  steam,  in  her  forn 
langwudge,  and  Mr*  Paul,  what  was  de  mana 
ger,  was  havin  a  fit,  and  de  Duchess  and  me, 
what  was  behind  de  curtain  wid  him,  was 
havin  a  fit  along  wid  tinkin  dat  Miss  Fannie 
would  be  broke  up,  when  all  of  a  suddent  Mr* 
Paul  says  t'  me,  he  says,  4  Chimmie, '  says  he, 
4  Chimmie,  would  you  do  someting  t'make  Miss 
Fannie's  music  gale  a  howlin  success  ? '  he 
says* 

" 4  Sure, '  I  says, 4  I'll  stand  on  me  head  or 
box  tree  rounds  wid  de  butler, '  says  I,  hopin  it 
would  be  de  butler,  for  I  was  dyin  t'  do  him, 
along  wid  him  tryin  t*  get  gay  wid  de  Duchess* 
4  Sure, '  I  says* 

"Den  Mr*  Paul  says,  Td  like  de  scrap  wid 
104 


Miss  Fannie's  Music  Gale. 

de  butler  most  meself,  but  dis  bein  a  mixed 
audence  wid  ladies  perdomeratin' — which  is  de 
first  time  I  ever  heard  Mr*  Paul  backcap  de 
ladies — 4  wid  ladies  perdomeratin,  I  wants  you  t9 
sing  dat  song  I  heard  you  singin  t'  de  Duchess* ' 

44  Say,  I  taut  he  was  givin  me  de  dinky- 
dink*  Dat's  a  song  I  made  up  de  words  for 
meself,  and  I  sings  em  to  a  tune  his  Whiskers 
plays  on  de  flute*  Yes,  he  plays  de  flute  while 
Miss  Fannie  plays  de  harp,  and  it's  better  dan 
a  orchestran*  He  plays  a  song  what  Miss 
Fannie  sings  for  him,  bout  4  Sweet  is  de  vale 
where  de  Mohawk  gently  glides*'  Did  you 
ever  hear  it  ?  Well,  I  makes  up  some  words 
just  t'  jolly  de  servants  wid,  and  Mr*  Paul  he 
heard  me  singin  it;  but  when  he  tells  me  t'  sing 
it  in  front  of  all  dose  swell  mugs  I  taut  Pd  trow 
a  fit  right  dere*  De  Duchess  she  says  I  could 
sing  outter  sight  of  de  willie-boy  what  had  sung 
a  song  a  little  before  what  put  all  de  folks  t' 
sleep*  So  I  says,  4  Anyting  t*  make  Miss  Fan 
nie's  music  gale  a  corker/  and  Mr*  Paul  he  steps 
in  front  of  de  curtain  and  de  folks  all  gives  him 
a  great  jolly,  cause  dey  knowed  dat  he  had 
someting  tf  string  em  wid* 

44  Say,  you  should  heard  de  game  he  gives 
em*  He  says  he  has  engaged,  at  de  expense  of 
great  boodle,  a  vody  ville  artis  of  great  renown 
from  de  principal  teeaters  of  Great  Britain  and 

105 


Miss  Fannie's  Music  Gale. 

London,  what  would  introduce,  in  character ' — 
dose  was  his  words,  'in  character ' — 4  a  new  song 
writ  for  de  occasion  by  dat  Bowery  boy, 
Chames  Fadden* ' 

44 1  was  peepin  tru  de  curtain,  and  I  seed 
Miss  Fannie  and  his  Whiskers  and  Mr*  Burton 
look  at  each  odder  like  dey  didn't  know  what 
t'ell ;  but  Mr*  Paul  he  looked  as  solemn  as  if 
dere  wasn't  a  nodder  small  bot  on  eart* 

"Den  de  curtain  was  histed,  and  I  goes 
out  feelin  like  I  was  in  a  pip^  dream,  and  I  sings 
de  song*  Dis  is  de  way  it  starts : 

"On  de  banks  of  de  Bronx  where  me  summer  goil 

hangs  out, 

She's  a  doisy*  and  just  seventeen ; 
Oi  chases  meself  when  me  dot's  work  is  done, 
And  I  fishes  for  clams  in  de  stream* 

44  Say,  I  was  a  peach*  De  folks  dey  howled 
like  dey'd  all  picked  a  winnin  long  shot,  and  de 
more  dey  howled  dc  more  Bowry  I  got,  till 
pretty  soon  I  taut  I  was  just  singin  for  de  gang 
at  de  meetin  of  de  Roseleaf  Social,  Outin,  and 
Life-Savin  Club* 

"Say,  I  killed  em  dead*  Dey  made  me 
sing  it  over  till  I  was  dat  tirsty  I  taut  I  must  be 
Mr*  Paul,  and  when  I  couldn't  peep  anudder 
peep  Mr*  Paul  hauled  down  de  curtain,  and 
Fannie  corned  around  behind  dere  and 

106 


Miss  Fannie's  Music  Gale. 

says,  'Chames,  *  says  she,  laughin,  'Chames, 
you  lifted  de  gloom  from  de  whole  music  gale* ' 

44 1  was  feelin  like  I  was  in  it  den,  and  Mr* 
Paul  he  drags  his  jeans  for  a  fiver  and  gives  it 
t*  me ;  but  de  Ducness  she  collars  it,  sayin  dat  I 
might  take  cold  in  me  troat  wid  so  much  long 
green  about  me* 

44  De  Duchess  is  a  good  goil,  but  I  wisht 
when  I  has  boodle  t'  burn  she'd  lose  her  mind 
long  enough  for  me  t'  start  a  fire*  See  ?  " 


107 


Degeneracy  of  his  Whiskers* 


AS  we  at  de  fight?  We  was 
dere  wid  bote  feet;  me  and 
Mr*  Paul  and  his  Whiskers 
and  who  do  you  tink? — dat 
sporty  boy  from  Boston* 

"Well,  I  went  t'  dat 
place,  Jacksonville,  Floridy, 
ahead  of  Mr.  Paul,  and  he  told  me  not  t'  sign 
me  name  as  his  servant,  but  just  de  same  as  all 
de  odder  mugs  dere ,  as  a  real  gent.  Mr.  Paul 
he  says  t'  me,  says  he,  4  Chames, '  he  says,  *  I 
shall  require  de  estimable  vantage/  says  he, 
usin  dem  dude  lanwudge  what  he  says  when 
he  looks  solemn  and  jollies,  *  I  shall  require  de 
estimable  vantage  of  your  company  when  I 
takes  a  small  bottle  of  wine,  which  is  necessary 
t'  revert  de  malaria;  cause/  says  he,  4 cause, 
Chames,  it  is  not  well  for  a  man  t*  drink  alone ; 
and  from  de  names  I  seen  in  de  papers  of  mugs 
what  is  goin  t'  de  fight,  I  should  judge  dat  me  and 
you  is  likely  t'  be  de  only  real  gents  dere/  says  he. 
So  I  chases  meself  down  dere,  what  you  ride 
tru  a  million  miles  of  swamp  t*  get  dere,  and  I 
writes  me  name  on  de  book  of  de  Hotel  Saint 
Chames,  what's  named  de  same  as  me,  cept  dat 
it  ain't  no  Fadden  and  I  ain't  no  saint — yet* 


DEGENERACV 
OF  HIS 
WHISKERS. 


Ill 


Degeneracy  of  His  Whiskers. 

"Well,  after  eatin  me  dinner,  what  dey 
has  in  de  middle  of  de  day  down  dere — cause  it 
takes  so  long  t'  digest  it,  Mr*  Paul  says — I  goes 
out  on  de  verandy  t*  smoke  me  cigarette,  when 
long  comes  me  friend  de  barkeep*  All  de  gang 
was  makin  a  dead  break  for  me  friend  cause 
he'd  seen  bote  de  fighters,  and  he's  de  best  judge 
of  wedder  a  scrapper  is  fit  dat  dere  is,  on  or  off 
de  Bowry*  He  was  pretendin  t'  be  mighty 
leary  bout  sayin  nottin,  but  all  de  same  was  tip- 
pin  off  Mitchell  for  a  winner*  When  he  sees 
me  he  gives  me  de  wink  f  keep  still,  and  after 
a  while,  when  he  gets  a  chanst,  he  gives  it  t' 
me  straight  dat  Mitch  would  have  t'  fight  wid 
a  axe  to  do  Corbett*  He  was  tippin  Mitchell 
just  t'  get  some  bettin  started,  and  dat  night  we 
went  t'  de  poolroom  t'  see  how  de  game  lay* 

44 1  had  a  wad  what  Mr*  Paul  staked  me 
wid  t'  bet  for  him,  and  me  friend  de  barkeep 
had  money  t'  burn  a  wet  dog  wid,  what  his 
friends  on  de  Bowry  had  give  him  to  bet* 

44  Say,  de  very  first  pool  I  bought  on  Cor 
bett  I  heard  his  Whiskers  take  de  odder  end  of  it 
on  Mitchell,  and  den  I  nearly  had  a  fit  when  me 
friend  bought  a  Corbett  pool  t'  hear  de  voice  of 
his  Whiskers'  friend,  de  sporty  boy  from  Bos 
ton,  take  de  Mitchell  end  of  dat  bet*  Me  friend 
seen  em  dere,  and  he  laughs  and  told  me  dat 
dey  was  two  geezers  he  had  given  de  Mitchell 

112 


Degeneracy  of  His  Whiskers. 

tip  to  dat  afternoon*  'What  fell/  I  says, 
4  oafs  Miss  Fannie's  fadder  and  his  friend, '  I 
says.  4  Dey  don't  get  no  trowdown  here, '  says 
I.  'Sure,'  says  me  friend,  'any  friend  of  my 
friend,  not  on  your  life ! ' 

44  Say,  I  pushes  me  way  over  t'  where  his 
Whiskers  and  de  sporty  Boston  boy  was,  and 
holly  gee!  dere  dey  stood  wid  dere  mouts 
open,  dere  coats  open,  and  dere  jackets  open ; 
dead  marks  for  crooks  t'  touch* 

44 1  didn't  tink  of  me  manners  when  I  seen 
what  sillies  dey  was,  and  I  just  whispers  t'  his 
Whiskers,  I  says, 4  If  you  ain't  got  no  furder  use 
for  your  watch  and  chain,  and  your  wad/  says  I, 
4  you  might  give  em  t'  me,  cause  Pm  a  orphan/ 

44  Say,  his  Whiskers  turned  red,  and  tried 
t'  run  a  bluff  bout  bein  fended,  and  says  for  me 
t'  mind  me  business,  and  not  be  pertinent.  Den 
I  happens  t'  look  at  his  scarf,  and  de  sporty 
boy's  scarf,  and  I  says, 4  Scuse  me,  sir,  but  you 
forgot  t'  wear  your  scarfpins  dis  evenin  Pm 
tinkin/ 

"Den  dey  bote  claps  dere  hands  t'  dere 
scarfs,  and  looks  scared  and  foolish,  for  dey'd 
bote  been  touched.  See  ? 

44  His  Whiskers  didn't  put  on  no  more  airs 
den,  needer  did  de  sporty  boy;  and  when  I  tells 
em  t'  chase  dereselves  outside  and  button  up  dere 
coats,  dey  chases  dereselves.  I  folleyed  em  out 

113 


Degeneracy  of  His  Whiskers. 

and  told  em  dat  if  dey*d  go  t*  dere  hotel  Yd  do 
dere  bettin  for  em*  Say,  de  sporty  boy  laughs 
at  dat  and  says, 4  Dis  is  Mr.  Burton's  young 
man,  if  I  remember, '  says  he*  I  told  him  he 
was  dead  on,  and  he  says  dat  I  *  seemed  t'  be 
a  young  person  of  much  strent  of  mind  and 
purity  of  heart, '  usin  words  like  dose  Boston 
folks  talks,  what  don't  mean  nottin* 

44 1  told  him  dat  anyhow  I  wasn't  no  farmer, 
and  de  best  ting  dey  could  do  was  t'  go  t'  dere 
hotel,  leave  dere  stuff  in  de  safe,  and  play  pool. 

44  Wid  dat  his  Whiskers  says  t'  his  friend 
someting  bout  de  wisdom  what  comes  out  of  de 
mouts  of  kids,  and  I  bundles  em  in  a  hack  and 
sends  em  off  home* 

44  Well,  de  next  day  Mr*  Paul  comes,  and 
when  I  tells  him  bout  his  Whiskers  and  de 
sporty  Boston  boy,  he  says  dat  dere  ain't  no 
gilly  like  a  old  gilly;  but  as  his  Whiskers  was 
Miss  Fannie's  fadder,  he  would  help  me  take  care 
of  em*  Den  he  says  serious :  4  Chames, '  he 
says, '  Chames,  I  wonder  couldn't  we  put  chains 
round  em  like  dey  do  dose  chameleons,  and 
fasten  em  up  ? ' 

44  Say,  did  you  ever  see  one  of  dose  chame 
leons?  Bey's  de  dinkiest  little  beasts  what 
lives ;  kinder  little  snakes  wid  legs  what  changes 
dere  color  widout  changin  dere  skin*  Dat's 
right*  It's  a  great  act,  sure*  I  fetches  one 

"4 


Degeneracy  of  His  Whiskers. 

t*  de  Duchess  and  scared  her  so  dat  she  made 
me  give  up  all  de  money  I  win  on  de  fight*  It 
would  take  a  bigger  beast  dan  a  chameleon  t' 
make  de  Duchess  forget  t'  make  me  cough  up 
when  I  has  any  spare  boodle* 

"Well,  seein  as  how  we  was  all  dere, 
Mr.  Paul  told  me  t'  get  four  seats  t'  de  fight  all 
togedder,  for  fear  dat  if  we'd  let  de  old  boys  go 
alone  dey'd  get  lost  in  de  shuffle*  Say*  when 
we  got  dere  de  old  boys  began  tellin  bout  how 
dey*d  hedged  on  dere  bets*  and  showed  dere 
pool  tickets ;  and  what  do  you  tink  ?  De  way 
dey*d  hedged  made  em  stand  t'  lose  no  matter 
who  win  de  fight*  Dat  Boston  must  be  a  great 
farmin  country* 

44  When  we  first  got  dere  de  old  boys  was 
singin  a  great  song  and  dance  bout  only  wantin 
t'  see  a  sientific  glove  contest*  and  said  dat  dey*d 
leave  de  rena  if  dere  was  any  sloggin  or  blood* 
Well*  in  de  second  round,  when  Chim  began 
pastin  Charley  all  over  de  ring,  I  taut  de  geezers 
would  make  a  sneak,  but  not  on  your  life* 
Dere  was  his  Whiskers  and  de  sporty  Boston 
boy  standin  on  dere  seats,  wavin  dere  dicers 
and  yellin  for  Chim  t'  knock  de  head  offen  de 
Englishman,  and  Mr*  Paul  and  me  couldn't 
drag  em  down  dough  we  nearly  pulled  dere 
coat-tails  off*  In  de  last  round,  when  de  blood 
was  flyin  and  de  old  boys  was  splittin  dere 

"5 


Degeneracy  of  His  Whiskers. 

treats  wid  cheerin,  Mr,  Paul  who  stood  t*  win 
big  money,  was  cool  as  a  small  bottle,  and 
whispers  t'  me,  he  says :  4  It's  touchin,  Chames,' 
says  he, 4  it's  touchin  t'  see  how  pleased  de  old 
gent  is,  dat  dis  is  a  bloodless  and  sientific 
glove  contest, ' 

44  Den  he  gives  me  de  wink  and  asks  did  I 
remember  t'  order  some  small  bottles  on  ice  t' 
be  ready  when  we  gets  t'  de  hotel, 

44  Well,  dat  nignt,  when  it  was  all  over,  his 
Whiskers  comes  t'  me  and  says  dat  as  he  was 
dere  by  accident,  bein  on  his  way  t'  Saint 
Augustine  wid  his  Boston  friend,  whose  healt 
was  poor,  dat  dere  was  no  use  in  me  sayin 
anyting  t'  Miss  Fannie  bout  seein  him  dere, 

44 1  says  sure,  and  he  gives  me  his  winnin 
pool  tickets  t'  cash,  which  de  Duchess  collared, 
wid  me  odder  stuff, 

44  When  we  gets  home,  Miss  Fannie  says 
t'  me, 4  Chames, '  she  says, 4  was  it  Mr,  Paul  or 
me  fadder  what  sent  dat  big  box  of  oranges  t' 
me  from  Floridy  ? '  says  she.  So  I  says, 4  How 
could  it  be  your  fadder,  Miss  Fannie,  when  he 
was  in  Saint  Augustine  wid  a  sick  friend  ? '  I  says, 

"But  it  wasn't  Mr,  Paul  what  sent  her 
dose  oranges,  nor  her  fadder,  needer,  but  I 
didn't  tell  her  who  it  was,  cause  she  might  tink 
I  was  gettin  above  me  place,  sendin  her  a 
present, " 
116 


As  to  Sans-Gene* 


O,  Mr.  Paul  ain't  so  worse.    He  AS  TO 
started  out  on  me  de  odder  day  SANS-GENE, 
like  I  taut  I  was  stacked  up 
against  trouble,  but  tings  was 
comin  my  way,  and  I  wasn't 
onto  it  a  little  bit.    Him  and 
Mr.  Burton  was  down  t'  de 


stables  loofcin  at  some  new  wheels  what  had 
just  been  fetched  in  from  de  city  when  I  chases 
across  em,  me  bein  out  dere  t'  see  if  de  coach 
man's  kid  had  a  scrap  in  him.  I  hadn't  done 
nottin  but  wheel  for  so  long  I  taut  a  scrap  would 
do  me  healt  no  harm. 

44  When  he  pipes  me  off  Mr.  Paul  calls  me 
up  and  says,  '  Chames, '  he  says,  4 1  wishes  t' 
propound  a  question  in  relative  philology. ' 

44  Say,  may  I  never  have  anodder  scrap  if 
dem  wasn't  de  very  lanwudge  he  gives  me. 
Did  you  never  hear  de  like  ?  1  taut  not.  Dere 
ain't  nottin  like  it  outside  de  lawyers  in  de 
Tombs. 

44 1  was  dead  leary  of  a  stringin,  so  I  just 
touches  me  for'd  and  says,  4  Yes,  sir, '  waitin 
for  balls  while  I  got  onto  his  curves. 

44  4  Chames, '  he  says,  Mere  is  a  play  runnin 
in  town  wid  de  name  of  "Sans-gene, " '  he  says, 

119 


As  to  Sans-Gene. 

'and  I  have  just  bet  Mr*  Burton  what  you  calls 
a  fiver  dat  you  will  give  us  de  best  translation 
of  dat  name,  "Sans-gene,"  he  ever  heard* 
Now,  what  does  dat  mean  in  English  ? ' 

" '  What  t'ell ! '  I  says,  tinkin  he  was  givin 
me  de  dinky-dink  on  me  lanwudge;  but  Mr* 
Paul,  as  sober  as  a  bull  pup,  turns  t'  Mr*  Bur 
ton  and  says :  '  You've  lost,  old  man,'  he  says* 

"Mr*  Burton  taut  a  while,  and  den  he 
laughs  and  says, '  Yes,  I  should  say  dat  is  de 
most  sensible  translation  of  de  term  I  ever  heard 
—Sans-gene :  What  t'ell* ' 

"  Now  did  you  ever  hear  such  crazy  talk 
in  all  your  life  ?  As  I  was  tellin  you,  I  taut  Pd 
stacked  up  against  trouble,  but  what  do  you 
tink?  Mr*  Burton  scraped  his  close  for  a  green 
five,  and  Mr*  Paul  he  just  coughed  it  up  t'  me, 
sayin, 4  Chames,  you  win  de  pot* ' 

"  Say,  Mr*  Paul  ain't  so  worse,  is  he  ? 

"  I'm  de  only  farmer  in  de  game*  I  had  t' 
go  and  ask  de  Duchess  what  was  dat  Sans-gene 
dey  was  trowin  at  me,  and  I  was  such  a  gilly 
I  queered  me  own  cinch  by  givin  away  about 
de  fiver,  and  de  Duchess  didn't  do  a  ting  but 
drag  me  jeans  till  she  collared  de  roll*  De 
Duchess  ain't  so  worse — if  you  is  lookin  for  a 
banker* 

"  But  dat  ain't  what  I'm  loofcin  for;  what 
Pm  out  for  wid  a  dark  lantern  and  a  reward,  is 


120 


As  to  Sans-Gene. 

where  dey  gives  dope  like  de  Keeley  cure,  only 
for  de  wheel  habit  stid  of  for  booze* 

"Dere  ain't  one  of  us  what  ain't  got  it; 
from  his  Whiskers  t'  de  Duchess  dey  is  all 
bicycle  daffy*  Why,  Mr*  Paul  has  sent  t'  have 
a  wheel  made  for  little  Miss  Fannie,  what  is 
only  just  learnin  t'  twiddle  her  pins  fit* 

"  His  Whiskers  was  de  first  one  t'  get  de 
habit*  First  dey  all  gives  him  de  laugh,  but 
when  dey  found  out  dat  Fd  learned  on  his 
wheel  Mr*  Burton  said  he'd  take  a  lesson  from 
me,  and  in  two  days  dere  was  tree  more  wheels 
down  dere :  one  for  Mr*  Burton,  one  for  Miss 
Fannie,  and  one  for  me,  cause  I  was  t'  be  de 
professor* 

44  Well,  I  teached  Mr*  Burton  and  teached 
Miss  Fannie — say,  she  can  ride  like  a  bird — 
and  den  dose  two,  wid  his  Whiskers,  would  be 
goin  off  so  much,  Mr*  -Paul,  he  got  one  down 
t'  his  place,  what's  next  t'  ours,  and  he  learned, 
so  dat  he  wouldn't  be  left  by  his  lonely,  and 
den  I  chases  off  so  much,  de  Duchess  she  had  t' 
have  a  wheel  and,  holy  gee!  before  we  was 
tru  if  de  barfceep  didn't  send  one  t'  Maggie,  de 
housemaid,  and  I'm  lookin  for  a  carload  t'  be 
comin  down  for  de  rest  of  de  servants  any  old 
day! 

"Dey  may  as  well  let  de  coachman  and 
all  de  stablemen  go,  and  sell  de  horses  and 

121 


As  to  Sans-Gene. 

carriages,  for  dey  ain't  no  more  use,  cept  t'  take 
little  Miss  Fannie  out  for  a  airin,  and  I  expect 
she'll  be  crusin  round  like  a  duck  on  a  pond 
wid  her  own  wheel  pretty  soon* 

44  When  all  de  folks  is  out  de  Duchess  asks 
Maggie  t'  sneak  wid  us,  and  den  we  tree  goes 
off  in  some  odder  direction  from  de  folks.  You 
otter  see  dem  goils !  Dey  is  wonders,  blind, 
staggerin  wonders,  in  dere wheel  make-up! 

"Miss  Fannie  she  don't  dress  much 
diffrunt  from  when  she  is  walkin,  only  she 
wears  boots,  but  de  Duchess  and  dat  chip 
Maggie!  say,  dey'd  put  your  eyes  out  in  a 
minute  if  ever  you'd  see  em  unexpected.  De 
Duchess  has  some  of  dose  forn  papers  sent  from 
Paris,  what's  de  dago  town  she  comes  from, 
and  she  seed  some  pictures  of  fairies  on  wheels  in 
one  of  em,  and  she  rigged  up  a  harness  like  it* 
It's  like  a  woman  out  on  top  of  de  stage  in  a 
fairy  opra. 

44  Maggie,  de  housemaid,  is  near  as  queer, 
only  she  ain't  got  de  style  de  Duchess  has.  De 
rig  de  Duchess  wears  wouldn't  be  so  worse  if 
she'd  only  never  wear  it  out  of  de  grounds,  but 
dat's  de  trouble,  and  dat's  what  run  me  up 
against  it  de  odder  day.  We  was  tearin  up  dirt 
along  de  shore  road,  me  follyin  de  Duchess  and 
Maggie*  t'  keep  de  dogs  away  from  em,  which 
I  had  a  lot  of  stones  in  me  pockets  for,  when  I 

122 


As  to  Sans-Gene. 

seed  comin  down  de  road  four  wheels,  one  wid 
a  woman,  and  I  knowed  in  a  minute  dey  was 
our  folks  what  had  gone  round  by  de  back 
road,  and  would  cop  us  sure  if  we  didn't  make 
a  sneak*  I  yelled  t'  de  goils  t'  get  off  and  yank 
dere  wheels  over  a  low  stone  wall*  We  chased 
ourselves  lively,  I'm  tellin  you,  and  as  de  folks 
all  stopped  for  someting  dey  didn't  see  us,  and 
we  laicf  low  on  de  odder  side  of  de  wall,  where 
dere  were  sticks  and  leaves  and  stones  and  wet, 
and  it  was  de  worst  beddin  I  ever  struck,  and  I 
ain't  always  slept  in  de  finest  needer*  'Mon 
Dieu !  Chames, '  says  de  Duchess, 4  let  us  get 
out  of  here ;  I'm  ruinin  me  dress* ' 

44  4  You  ain't  got  no  dress  on, '  I  says,  4  and 
dat's  de  trouble, '  says  I,  cause  I  was  pretty  sore 
wid  her  dinky  harness,  which  I  wouldn't  have 
Miss  Fannie  seen  on  me  life* 

"Next  it  was  dat  Maggie  what  hollered 
murder*  'For  de  love  of  heaven,  Chimmie,' 
she  yelled, 4 1  wonder  you  wouldn't  put  us  in  a 
den  of  snakes*  Dere's  a  toad  crawlin  up  me 
leg/ 

4 1  wonder  he  wouldn't  jump  in  your  big 
mout,  what  you  can't  keep  closed/  I  says  t' 
her,  for  I  was  near  crazy,  cause  I  peeped  over 
de  wall  and  seen  de  folks  comin  along* 

44 1  put  one  hand  over  de  Duchess's  mout 
and  one  over  Maggie's,  and  dey  was  still  for  a 

123 


As  to  Sans-Gene. 

minute;  but  all  of  a  suddent,  and  botc  togedder, 
just  as  de  folks  was  opposite,  bote  dose  fool  goils 
bit  me  hands  near  in  two,  and  let  out  screams 
you  could  heard  across  de  Sound,  and  bote  for 
de  same  reason :  dere  was  a  bull  comin  at  us, 
wid  tail  up  and  head  down,  and  lookin  bigger 
dan  de  Madson  Square  Garden,  At  de  first 
yell  de  four  folks  all  stops  and  gets  off  dere 
wheels,  and  just  as  dey  did  de  Duchess  and 
Maggie*  lookin  like  circus  riders,  only  wid 
leaves  and  sticks  all  over  em,  flew  over  oe  wall 
and  fell  yellin  wid  fits  right  at  his  Whiskers' 
feet. 

44  De  bull  made  for  me*  I  seen  I'd  be  done 
if  I  didn't  chase  meself,  so  I  puts  me  hands  on 
top  of  de  wall  t'  make  a  jump,  when  me  foot 
caught  in  a  wheel*  Dat  was  de  chance  for 
de  bull,  and  he  knowed  his  business*  He  let 
me  have  it  right  where  it  hurted  de  smallest, 
and  I  went  up  in  de  air  a  mile  wid  de  wheel 
fast  t'  me  leg, 

44 1  landed  on  de  road  right  in  front  of  Mr. 
Paul*  All  de  odders  was  screamin  wid  fits  and 
worriment,  but  Mr*  Paul  found  I  wasn't  done, 
and  he  only  said,  4  Do  you  always  go  over  a 
wall  like  dat,  Chimmie  ?  ' 

"Say,  I  felt  like  what  t'ell,  and  I  would 
have  sold  meself  for  a  minute  wid  de  Duchess 
trun  in  t'  boot* 
124 


As  to  Sans-Gene. 

"Miss  Fannie  first  found  out  I  wasn't 
hurted  much,  den  she  looked  at  de  Duchess — 
who  wasn't  sayin  nottin  for  de  first  time  since 
she  was  borned — and  den  she  laughed  fit  t'  kill 
herself,  and  his  Whiskers  he  laughed,  and  Mr* 
Burton  he  laughed,  and  dat  bull  looked  over  de 
wall  and  he  laughed,  but  Mr,  Paul  he  only 
looked  solemn  and  said,  kinder  t'  himself :  '  For 
all  aches  and  bruises,  take  a  small  bottle. ' 

44  Den  de  folks  rode  on,  and  I  helped  de 
goils  home,  and  when  we  got  dere  none  of  de 
folks  peeped  bout  de  circus  a  word*  I  fcnowed 
it  was  Miss  Fannie  what  made  em  not  string 
us, 

"Say,  Miss  Fannie  ain't  so  worse;  and 
needer  was  dat  small  bot  Mr,  Paul  sneaked  t' 
me  room, " 


Is  the  kind  of  a  fool  this  man  THE  PRI] 
is,  not  the  degree,  which  pro-  OF  A 
duces  this  emotion,  my  dear*"  SETTER 

Major    Max    made    this  PUP- 
explanation  when  Mrs.  Max 
looked  up  at  him  in  mild  sur 
prise*        He    had    thrown    a 


magazine  across  the  room,  and  it  had  hit  the 
setter  dog,  enjoying  too  much  sleep  before  the 
grate  fire*  The  setter  looked  up  delightedly  at 
first,  thinking  the  lively  performance  of  its  master 
was  the  signal  for  a  frolic,  but  after  a  knowing 
examination  of  the  Major's  face  discovered  its 
mistake,  regarded  him  reproachfully,  and  re 
trieved  the  magazine  to  Mrs*  Max's  lap,  near 
which  it  remained  to  have  its  head  patted,  and  as 
an  evidence  of  partisan  disapproval  of  the  Major. 

44  Why,  Major ! "  exclaimed  Mrs*  Max  in 
surprise,  "  this  is  the  magazine  youVe  always 
praised  for  its  wisdom*" 

44  That  was  before  I  began  writing  for  it*" 

44  But  youVe  never  written  in  this  maga 
zine*" 

"Fve  written  for  it,  not  in  it*  The  dis 
tinction  is  significant,  possibly,  of  my  dimin 
ished  veneration  for  its  wisdom,  but  not  of  my 

129 


The  Pride  of  a  Setter  Pup. 

present  rage,  which  has  heated  me  to  such  an 
extent  that  I  feel  if  you  should  touch  the  bell  for 
a  nice  little  cold  pint  I  could  do  the  rest.  Ah, 
thanks*  Now  let  me  show  you." 

The  Major  again  took  the  magazine  and 
turned  over  its  pages* 

44  Here,  you  see,  is  an  article  written  by  a 

Soung  man  who  has  just  discovered  London* 
is  a  class  of  literature  in  which  I  usually  find 
much  enjoyment*  Writers  of  the  present  day 
who  announce  the  death  of  Queen  Anne  and  the 
capture  of  Holland  by  the  Dutch  are  always 
worth  reading*  Such  discoveries  are  usually 
made  by  men  of  the  fresh  and  breezy  style, 
suggesting  the  complacent  pride  of  a  setter  pup 
which  passes  over  a  quail  youVe  just  shot,  and 
brings  you  back  a  last  year's  bird-nest*" 

44  But  if  you  enjoy  their  stories  so  much, 
why  do  you  throw  magazines  at  the  dog  ?  " 

"I  was  about  to  explain,  but  a  certain 
amount  of  introduction  is  necessary  to  give  value 
to  what  follows;  otherwise  the  sense  of  propor 
tion,  or  space,  is  offended*  I  was  speaking  of 
this  article  on  London  by  its  freshest  discoverer* 
I  probably  should  have  had  no  quarrel  with  the 
writer  had  he  not  happened  to  talk  my  shop*  He 
witnessed  in  London  the  guard  mount  at  St* 
James's  Palace,  and  describes  it*  That  is  well, 
for  it  is  a  pretty  ceremony  wherever  it  is  seen* 
130 


The  Pride  of  a  Setter  Pup. 

But  then  he  adds,  listen:  'There  is  no  guard 
mount  in  America;  and  if  there  were,  it  would 
be  done  on  the  double  quick  and  in  a  business 
like  manner/" 

The  setter  dodged  behind  Mrs*  Max's  skirts 
as  the  Major  again  raised  the  magazine  threat 
eningly,  but  its  master  drowned  his  rising  wrath 
in  a  glass  of  wine,  tossed  the  magazine  on  the 
table,  and  resumed: 

44  The  Americans  who  discover  London,  and 
tell  us  about  it  in  magazines,  should  first  be  com 
pelled  to  pass  an  examination  in  the  history  and 
geography  of  this  country  which  would  entitle 
them  to  appointment  in  the  letter  carrier  service* 
4  We  have  no  guard  mount/  says  this  historian, 
regretfully,  and  then  scornfully  adds  that  if  we 
did  we  would  not  make  it  the  pretty  ceremony 
he  saw  in  London*  Now,  let's  see:  Within 
thirty  miles  of  New  York  there  are  six  military 
posts*  There  are  four  right  in  our  harbor — 
Governor's  Island,  Liberty  Island,  Fort  Wads- 
worth,  and  Fort  Hamilton — where  there  is  a 
guard  mounted  daily*  Consider  Fort  Hamilton, 
for  instance;  that  is  as  near  Union  Square,  say, 
as  are  many  of  the  districts  of  London  to  St. 
James's  Palace*  There  is  a  full  band  playing  at 
the  Fort  Hamilton  guard  mount,  as  at  St*  James's 
Palace;  and  if  this  historian  had  crossed  the 
bridge  instead  of  the  ocean  to  see  a  guard  mount 


The  Pride  of  a  Setter  Pup. 

he  would  have  been  equally  delighted  by  the 
sight  of  a  gallant,  brave,  and  handsome  lot  of 
officers  ana  sturdy,  well-drilled  soldiers,  which 
he  assures  us  he  found  on  the  other  side* 

"Then  here,  again,  the  writer  grows  enthu 
siastic  over  the  ceremony  of  saluting  the  flag 
which  he  discovered  in  London.  That  beautiful 
ceremony  is  performed  five  afternoons  a  week 
at  Fort  Hamilton  by  the  men  and  officers  of  the 
gallant  old  First  Cillery,  and  of  course  at  every 
other  post  of  the  size  in  the  United  States,  the 
flag  is  saluted  with  the  same  ceremony  daily  " 

"Not  the  British  flag?"  asked  Mrs.  Max 
in  surprise* 

44  True,  my  dear,  only  the  Stars  and  Stripes," 
and  the  setter  had  occasion  to  drop  again* 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee* 


SUALLY    very    placid,    Mrs.  AT  THE 
Max's  brow  was  puzzled  with  RANCH 
a  slight  frown  as  she  asked:  OF  THE 
44 Is  there  not  something  or  other  PIOUS 
going  on  over  in  Brooklyn,  or  YANKEE- 
somewhere?"* 

The    Major    opened    his 


mouth  to  speak  so  many  times  before  he  finally 
uttered  a  sound  that  the  setter  dog,  who  was 
observing  him  with  cocked  head,  gave  a  little 
bark  of  impatience  and  tramped  nervously  with 
his  fore  feet* 

Mrs*  Max  did  not  take  notice  of  the 
Major's  silence  or  the  setter's  vocalism,  for  she 
was  busy  spreading  on  some  very  hot  toast 
some  very  fine  caviare*  That  must  be  done 
with  great  expedition  or  the  toast  becomes  cold* 

By  the  way,  do  not  commit  the  barbarism 
of  spreading  the  caviare  thickly  on  the  toast,  for 
that  is  likely  to  result  in  mussiness,  and,  any 
way,  it  aids  and  abets  the  natural  tendency  of 
the  toast  to  become  cold  before  the  sandwich  is 
ready  to  be  eaten,  and  the  lemon-juice  must  be 
superadded  after  the  spreading,  and  that  is 
another  chilling  delay* 

*  Two  brigades  of  the  militia  had  been  fighting  trolley-car  rioters  tor 
two  weeks. 

135 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee. 

At  last  the  Major  said,  with  forced  com 
posure  : 

"No,  my  dear.  Nothing  is  going  on  in 
Brooklyn*  On  the  contrary,  quite  otherwise; 
everything  has  stopped  going  in  Brooklyn. 
That  statement  is  confusing,  too ;  involving,  as 
it  does,  the  violent  assumption  that  anything 
ever  started  there*  But  why  do  you  ask  ?  " 

44  Ask  what  ?  "  Mrs.  Max  responded,  her 
placidity  restored,  because  the  sandwiches  were 
completed  and  not  cold. 

"Did  you  not  ask  me  if  something  was 
not  going  on  in  Brooklyn  ?  " 

44  Oh,  to  be  sure  I" 

Mrs.  Max  put  triangular  sandwiches  on 
her  own  and  on  the  Major's  plates,  motioned  to 
the  whiskey-decanter  and  the  water-carafe  as  a 
reminder  for  the  Major  to  do  his  duty,  and  as 
he,  like  a  soldier,  obeyed,  she  added : 

"  Why,  Mrs.  Jack  Daring  told  me  that  she 
knew  a  man  in  the  Twenty-second — I  do  not 
know  whether  he  was  in  his  twenty-second  year 
or  from  the  Twenty-second  ward — who  had  been 
in  Brooklyn,  where  everybody  was  killing  some 
body,  though  what  in  ever  for,  Fm  sure ! r' 

Mrs.  Max  sipped  her  whiskey  and  water 
between  bites  of  her  sandwich  and  resumed : 

44 1  pretended  to  know  all  about  it  because 
Mrs.  Jack  is  always  so  delighted  when  she  finds 
136 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee. 

out  that  she  knows  anything  that  nobody 
knows,  don't  you  know,  I  thought  I'd  wait 
and  ask  you*  But  then  one  never  can  be  sure 
about  anything  in  Brooklyn,  although  Mrs, 
Jack  says  they  have  some  very  smart  shops 
there.  Is  the  sandwich  good  ?  " 

"My  dear  madam,  it  is  a  poem.  That 
reminds  me  that  the  only  time  I  ever  tried  to 
write  verse  besides  those  I  wrote  to  you,  a 
caviare  and  toast  sandwich  was  the  inspiration 
of  my  muse : 

44  *  Demulcent,  fragile,  and  divine, 
Paradoxure  attributes  are  thine ! 
Pharyngeal  aridity  is  mine — 
Induced  by  thee — to  be  allayed  by  wine ! f 

"I  showed  it  to  the  men  in  our  mess,  and 
they  said  it  was  good,  because  when  we  run 
out  of  caviare  they  read  that  verse  to  induce 
thirst ;  they  said  it  was  so  dry.  By  the  way, 
you  never  happened  to  try  to  write  a  verse  in  a 
one-company  frontier  post  where  there  was  no 
thesaurus  ?  " 

"Mrs,  Jack  said/'  remarked  Mrs,  Max, 
who  had  not  been  listening  to  the  Major — 
indeed  he  not  infrequently  makes  remarks  which 
he  does  not  expect  to  be  seriously  regarded — 
"  Mrs,  Jack  said  that  the  Twenty-second  man 
was  in  Brooklyn  two  whole  weeks  and  led  a 

137 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee. 

german  when  he  returned,  just  as  if  he  had  not 
been  out  of  the  country*  I  suppose  she  is 
interested  in  things  about  people  shooting  peo 
ple  because  of  Bob  Billings;  though  how  she 
can  notice  a  twenty-two-year  old  man  when 
Bob  has  joined  his  regiment — Pm  sure !  " 

44  Although,  when  I  rep  rated  my  apostro 
phe  to  a  caviare  sandwich,  your  eyes  were 
without  speculation,  I  am  tempted  to  tell  you  of 
the  only  time  I  ever  saw  Bob  Billings  in  the 
mood,  in  which  people,  as  you  remark,  engage 
in  shooting  other  people,  for  when  we  have 
fought  Indians  he  was  never  fighting  mad," 
said  the  Major* 

Mrs.  Max  was  suddenly  alert  with  inter 
est*  It  is  a  fact,  which  the  Major  has  studied 
with  inconclusive  energy,  that  his  wife,  the  most 
sensitive  and  kind  of  her  sex,  takes,  next  to  her 
interest  in  the  relations  of  men  and  women  of 
her  set,  the  deepest  interest  in  stories  wherein 
the  sanguinary  passion  controls. 

44  But  first, "  the  Major  said,  with  a  mean 
purpose  to  hold  an  excited  imagination  with 
an  irrelative  subject,  as  persons  not  always  suc 
cessful  with  their  stories  will  sometimes  do, 
44  first  I  wish  to  explain  that  I  was  only  taking 
advantage  of  poetic  license  when  in  my  verse  I 
suggested  that  the  thirst  born  of  caviare  should 
be  allayed  in  wine.  Caviare — that  good  should 
138 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee. 

come  out  of  Russia ! — should  be  eaten  only  an 
hour  before  dinner,  when  it  would  be  hangably 
offensive  to  drink  wine*  It  is  an  excitant  to  an 
appetite  for  solids  as  well  as  for  liquids*  Then 
it  is  but  reasonable  to  ask,  What  liquid  should 
be  taken  therewith?  Whiskey  and  water* 
Whiskey  should  never  be  taken  without  water, 
hence  'and  water*  follows  logically*  But  why 
whiskey  ?  There,  my  dear,  is  a  scientific 

44  Did  Bob  kill  any  one?  "  interrupted  Mrs* 
Max* 

The  Major  mixed  another  glass  of  his  bev 
erage,  pulled  the  setter's  ears  until  that  patient 
animal  scowled  with  silent  pain,  and  answered: 

44  In  the  path  obstructed  by  feminine  curios 
ity,  science,  baffled  and  supine,  knows  only  pen 
ance,  not  progress*  This  is  the  story:  We 
were  in  Arizona,  before  the  railroad  was 
through*  A  few  miles  from  us — a  few  miles  as 
distance  was  considered  there  and  then — a  Yan 
kee  farmer,  moved  by  a  inscrutable  Providence 
and  the  barrenness  of  his  Massachusetts  farm,  had 
settled  on  a  quarter-section  of  land  whereon  was 
a  spring*  In  his  old  home  springs  were  not 
rare,  and  he  did  not  at  first  know  the  value  of 
one  in  Arizona*  How  could  he  ?  He  did  not 
know  that  with  the  water  of  that  spring  distrib 
uted  over  that  land,  in  that  climate,  ne  could 
grow  anything  from  a  pineapple  to  a  potato ;  he 

139 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee. 

did  not  know  that  that  spring  was  worth  enor 
mous  money  to  a  particularly  offensive  renegade 
cattle-rancher  and  thief,  who  had  considered  it 
his  own  for  years,  but  had  never  paid  Uncle 
Sam  the  compliment  of  obeying  the  simple  laws 
whereby  he  might  have  obtained  the  actual 
ownership*  He  learned  both  soon.  Our  little 
post  bought  his  fruit  and  vegetables,  and  was 
rewarding  his  industry  with  wealth.  The  cat 
tleman  was  using  every  vicious  device  to  drive 
the  Yankee  from  his  honest  holding — threats, 
raids,  insults,  blackmail.  But  the  Yankee  was 
spunky  —  with  Christian  spunkiness.  That 
was  the  misfortune  which  haa  worked  to  refrain 
him  from  killing  his  persecutor  a  score  of  times, 
when,  in  that  country  at  that  time,  he  would 
have  been  adjudged  to  have  sufficient  justification. 
"He  used  his  prosperity  quaintly,  that 
Yankee.  From  Albuquerque,  which  was  as 
far  as  the  railroad  extended  then,  he  had  brought 
by  wagon  a  little  cabinet  organ  for  his  wife ;  he 
paid  the  expenses  of  bringing  from  the  same 
town  a  pious  parson  once  a  month  to  preach  to 
the  soldiers  in  the  post  in  the  morning,  and  to 
pray  in  his  own  transplanted  Yankee  home  the 
same  Sunday  evening.  In  these  foreign  ways 
he  proved  to  the  cattlemen  how  unfit  he  was  to 
maintain  an  honest  holding  against  a  dishonest 
bully, 
140 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee. 

"The  Yankee's  wife — they  were  a  young 
couple — was  a  source  of  simple  joy  and  delight 
to  Bob  and  me*  She  was  pretty,  slender,  de 
vout,  healthy — everything  all  other  women  we 
ever  saw  there  were  not — and  she  could  make 
music  on  that  little  organ  the  like  of  which  it 
seemed  to  us  then  we  had  never  heard* 

44  One  Sunday  after  the  parson  had 
preached  to  our  soldiers  Bob  and  I  agreed  to  ride 
with  him  to  the  Yankee's,  where,  as  usual,  he 
was  to  remain  all  night*  That  evening  we  had  a 
sacred  concert*  You  know  what  an  impossible 
voice  Bob  has,  and  how  conceited  he  is  about 
it  ?  Well,  even  he  could  not  spoil  that  concert* 
He  and  the  parson,  the  Yankee  and  I,  and,  of 
course,  dear  little  Mrs*  Yankee,  sang  hymns 
with  that  organ  for  accompaniment,  with  a  vim 
only  the  situation  could  induce — or  explain* 

44  After  the  concert  Mrs*  Yankee  set  about 
preparing  supper*  There  was  a  storehouse, 
bigger  than  trie  living  house,  a  few  rods  off,  and 
she  went  there  for  some  fruit*  It  was  a  bright, 
moonlight  night,  with  the  utter  stillness  which 
only  the  desert  knows,  and  we  were  all  startled 
as  by  a  visible,  horrid  calamity  when  we 
heard  the  shrill  shriek  of  a  woman*  Bob  was 
the  first  of  us,  first  before  the  husband  even,  to 
rush  from  the  house,  catching  up  his  pistol  as 
he  ran*  By  the  door  of  the  storehouse  we 

HI 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee. 

saw  the  little  woman  senseless  on  the  ground* 
A  noise  on  the  other  side  drew  us  on,  with  a 
rush,  around  there — drew  Bob,  the  parson  and 
me — the  husband  remained  with  his  wife* 

44  That  renegade  cattleman  was  just 
mounting  a  horse  when  Bob  sprang  at  him  and 
knocked  him  off  with  the  butt  of  his  pistoL  For 
a  second  Bob  stood  over  the  rascal  with  his  pis 
tol  aimed  at  his  head*  He  wanted  to  kill  him* 
I  saw  the  struggle  which  kept  him  from  pulling 
the  trigger ;  the  struggle  of  civilization*  of  hered 
ity,  of  w  est  Point* 

44  The  Parson,  not  sure  about  the  outcome 
of  the  struggle,  touched  Bob's  arm  and  whis 
pered,  4  Wait*  Let  me  see  how  she  is/ 

44  He  returned  in  a  minute  and  told  us  the 
woman  was  not  hurt ;  had  only  been  thrown 
down* 

44  Bob  asked  the  parson  to  go  back  to  the 
house*  Then  he  said  to  the  whining  rascal : 
'It  may  not  be  according  to  army  rules  and 
regulations  for  me  to  say  this,  but  I  tell  you  now 
that  if  any  soldier  at  the  post  sees  you  in  this 
county  again  he'll  shoot  you  on  sight*  Now 
mount  your  horse  and  ride  at  a  walk  with  your 
hands  up* ' 

44 1  supposed  that  the  order  '  Hands  up ! ' 
was  merely  a  precaution  against  the  fellow 
drawing  his  pistol,  but  he  had  gone  only  about 
142 


At  the  Ranch  of  the  Pious  Yankee. 

ten  paces  when  Bob  fired*  The  horseman 
shrieked  and  dashed  ahead*  Bob  walked  out 
in  the  moonlight*  returned  with  an  index  finger, 
showed  it  to  me,  tossed  it  away,  and  remark 
ed:  'Pm  rather  proud  of  that  shot,  Max;  I 
fired  to  cut  that  finger*  I  had  to  do  that  much/ 

"When  we  returned  to  the  cottage  we 
found  Mrs*  Yankee  only  suffering  from  nervous 
ness*  She  had  discovered  the  rascal,  of  course 
planning  some  unknown  mischief,  at  the  store 
house  door,  and  in  his  escape  he  had  thrown  her 
down* 

444  You  have  a  rifle  and  know  how  to  use 
it, '  said  Bob  to  the  Yankee*  '  The  next  time 
you  see  that  man  anywhere  near  your  ranch 
shoot  him  on  general  principles* ' " 

44  What  did  the  parson  say  to  that  ?  "  asked 
Mrs*  Max  eagerly* 

44  The  parson, "  replied  the  Major,  replen 
ishing  his  glass,  "  the  parson  said  4 Amen  I ' " 


143 


The  Sovereign  Alchemist* 


ED    it  ever  occur  to    you,  my  THE 
dear/'  began  Major  Max  seri-  SOVEREIGN 
ously,  addressing  his  wife,  who  ALCHEMIST, 
was  at  work  on  a   piece  of 
embroidery,  "  did  it  ever  occur 
to  you  to  sing,  with  Omar,  the 
praises  of — 

44  4  The  Grape  that  can  with  Logic  absolute 
The  Two-an'-Seventy  jarring  Sects  confute ; 

The  Sovereign  Alchemist  that  in  a  trice 
Life's  leaden  metal  into  Gold  transmute  ?' 

44  You  know,  Major,  that  I  seldom  sing,  it's 
so  professional ;   and  as  to  Mr*  Omar,  I  don't 
remember  to  have  ever  met  him*     I  certainly 
never  sang  with  him :  duets  are  so  sentimental, 
Mrs*  Max  replied,  not  looking  up  from  her  work* 

If  you  had  seen  her,  you  would  have  been 
satisfied  that  she  should  not  look  up*  She  was 
sitting  beneath  a  lamp,  on  the  opposite  side  of  the 
library-table  from  the  Major,  dressed  in  a  fluffy, 
lacey  house-gown,  half  revealing  her  neck  and 
arms  (very  well  shaped  and  smooth)  ;  her  head 
bent  over  her  dainty  embroidery  in  the  pretty 
attitude  of  absorbed  diligence  with  which  women 
apply  themselves  to  such  tasks,  to  the  utter 
confusion  of  those  who  preach  the  inconsequen- 

147 


The  Sovereign  Alchemist. 

tiality  of  the  feminine  character*  The  Major  laid 
down  his  Rubaiyat  and  said :  "  Omar  was  before 
your  time,  but  yet  an  excellent  singer  and  a  man 
of  some  wisdom." 

"Then  it's  a  pity  he's  not  in  the  opera 
now,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Max,  "  for  I  do  think 
these  people  who  sing  are  so  silly.  Mrs.  Jack 
Daring  actually  met  one  of  them,  she  told  me, 
and  she,  the  singer,  I  mean,  seemed  to  think 
that  she  should  be  treated  like  a  real  person, 
don't  you  know :  as  if  she  were  not  a  pro 
fessional." 

'  Yes,"  said  the  Major, "  I  heard  that  one 
of  the  prime  donne  justified  herself  for  wearing  a 
rich  silk  and  satin  fancy-ball  costume  for  the 
character  of  a  German  peasant  girl  because  the 
costume  was  made  by  Doucet.  Her  contention 
was  that  if  Doucet's  costumes  were  good  enough 
for  her,  they  certainly  were  for  a  German 
peasant  girl." 

"I'm  sure,"  Mrs.  Max  remarked  after  a 
thoughtful  pause,  "a  peasant  girl  ought  to  be 
very  glad  to  have  a  silk  and  satin  costume,  so  I 
think  the  prima  donna  was  entirely  justified. 
Don't  you?" 

"  I  had  not  thought  of  it  in  that  light,  and 
that  only  proves  how  sluggish  a  man  s  mind 
can  become,  lacking  the  grape  whereby  life's 

leaden  metal " 

14* 


The  Sovereign  Alchemist. 

*  Major  Max!  what  in  ever  are  you 
talking  about  ?  A  minute  ago  you  were  asking 
if  I  knew  a  song  about 4  life's  leaden  metal/  and 
now  you  are  at  it  again*"  Mrs*  Max  looked  up 
from  her  embroidery  now*  She  observed  as 
she  did  so  that  the  small  bottle  of  wine  she  had 
ordered  for  the  Major  before  she  took  up  her 
work  was  as  empty  as  his  glass,  and  added : 
44  Why,  you  have  nothing  to  drink ! " 

"That's  what  I've  been  asking  for  all 
along*  I  did  not  want  to  disturb  you  too 
abruptly,  although 

44  4  My  Clay  with  long  Oblivion  is  gone  dry ; 

But  fill  me  with  the  old  familiar  juice, 
Methinks  I  might  recover  by  and  by/  n 

44 1  do  think,  Major,"  exclaimed  Mrs*  Max 
as  she  pushed  the  button,  "Mr*  Omar  must 
have  been  like  some  of  the  modern  singers,  as  it 
has  made  you  thirsty  just  to  talk  about  him*" 

"  He  has  a  tendency  to  affect  me  that  way," 
the  Major  said,  winking  with  great  gravity  at 
the  setter  dog. 


149 


That  the  Wisest  Suffer  Most. 


HAT    Mrs.  Jack    Daring  will  THAT  THE 
certainly  be  the  death  of  me/'  WISEST 
exclaimed  Mrs. Max," and  I'm  SUFFER 
sure  our  old-fashioned  cham-  MOST. 
pagne  glasses  are  much  prettier 
than  the  straight  glasses/' 

Mrs*  Max  held  the  wide- 


flanged  and  "cypress-slender  minister  of  wine" 
to  her  lips,  and  regarded  her  husband  thought 
fully* 

The  Major  was  really  thinking  that  his 
wife  made  a  very  pretty  picture,  and  wondered 
if  she  would  object  to  posing  for  a  portrait  hold 
ing  a  wine  glass  so,  but  he  only  answered: 

"I  am  Ted  to  conjecture,  from  your  always 
entertaining  and  realistic  accounts  of  Mrs*  Jack's 
goings  on,  that  she  will  accomplish  her  own 
death  before  yours,  my  dear*  What  has  she 
been  doing  now,  buying  straight  champagne 
glasses,  or  drinking  champagne  straight,  or — er 
what?" 

"How  absurd!  I  said  nothing  about  cham 
pagne*  This  time  it  is  not  what  she  has  been 
doing,  but  what  she  has  been  telling  me,  that  is  so 
killing*  You  know  that  Fannie  Courtlandt  has 
a  footman  or  groom  or  something  who  takes  her 

153 


That  the  Wisest  Suffer  Most. 

down  to  the  slums,  where  she  feeds  people, 
which  is  all  right,  I  suppose,  because  she  likes 
it,  though  why  in  ever  those  people  don't  feed 
each  other,  I'm  sure*" 

"Possibly  they're  too  busy,  or  have  noth 
ing  to  feed  each  other  with,"  suggested  the 
Major* 

"Do  you  think  so?"  cried  Mrs*  Max,  in 
wide-eyed  horror*  "  That  is  just  what  Mrs*  Jack 
was  telling  me,  but  of  course,  I  didn't  believe  it, 
because  she's  so  emotional,  you  know*  Well, 
Mrs*  Jack  heard  Fannie  telling  about  the  slums, 
so,  of  course,  she  had  to  go  there,  too,  Mrs*  Jack 
did*  She  told  me  about  a  family  of  four  people, 
a  father  and  mother,  a  little  girl  JO  years  old, 
and  a  very  young  baby*  The  father  was  sick, 
the  mother  couldn't  work  because  the  baby  was 
so  young,  and  the  little  girl,  who  worked  where 
they  make  artificial  flowers — I'll  never  wear 
another  as  long  as  I  live — couldn't  get  her 
wages*  The  man  who  hired  her  promised  her 
$  J*75  a  week,  but  after  she'd  worked  two  weeks 
he  said  she  had  only  earned  75  cents  a  week* 
They  have  courts  there,  Mrs*  Jack  says,  Civil 
Justice  courts,  she  said,  where  they  go  when 
people  don't  pay  wages  or  rent,  and  the  Judge — 
I'm  sure  he  must  be  a  very  nice  man — said  the 
little  girl  should  get  what  the  man  promised  her, 
and  besides,  he  made  the  man  pay  her  $10  for 

154 


That  the  Wisest  Suffer  Most. 

what  Mrs*  Jack  says  they  call  exemplary  dam 
ages,  or  something.  Well,  do  you  know  that 
on  the  same  day,  in  the  same  court,  a  wicked 
man  got  an  order  to  turn  the  little  girl's  father 
out  of  their  room,  just  because  they  could  not 
pay  $8  rent  ?  Mrs.  Jack  says  that  they  would  all 
have  been  turned  out,  with  nothing  to  eat  and 
no  place  to  sleep,  and  almost  nothing  to  wear, 
if  it  had  not  been  for  the  $  JO  the  little  girl  got. 
People  are  turned  out  like  that,  Mrs.  Jack  says. 
You  wouldn't  think  there  was  such  suffering 
right  here,  would  you,  Major?" 

The  Major  filled  his  glass  and  emptied  it 
with  deliberation  before  he  answered : 

"Yes,  I  believe  I  have  read  of  such  cases. 
But  I  fear  I  am  rather  more  of  a  philosopher  than 
a  philanthropist,  and  am  inclined  more  to  make 
comparisons  than  contributions.  You  remember 
Parker  Rossiter?" 

"Why,  yes;  but  he  has  sent  regrets  to  my 
dinner  invitations  so  long  that  I  thought  he  must 
be  dead." 

44  You  are  correct  in  both  of  the  assumptions 
contained  in  your  comment,  my  dear:  that  noth 
ing  but  death  would  keep  a  man  from  accepting 
an  invitation  to  dine  with  you,  and  that  Parker 
would  arise  from  the  dead  rather  than  commit 
such  a  breach  of  etiquette  as  not  to  reply  to  a 
dinner  invitation.  But  Parker  is  not  dead,  ex- 

J55 


That  the  Wisest  Suffer  Most. 

ccpt  to  the  old  world  which  knew  him  so  well 
for  so  many  years*  He  still  lives;  that  is,  he 
still  retains  his  capacity  to  suffer,  and  that  is 
what  I  was  going  to  tell  you  about. 

44  You  remember  that  he  inherited  a  fairly 
decent  fortune — that  is,  for  a  man  of  his  quiet 
tastes — eight  or  nine  thousand  dollars  a  year. 
He  had  no  extravagances;  was,  as  you  remem 
ber,  merely  a  type  of  the  better  sort  of  society 
man.  He  belonged  to  two  or  three  good  clubs, 
kept  a  saddle  horse,  patronized  artists  and  mu 
sicians  in  a  quiet  way,  had  a  pew  in  church, 
was  always  available  for  any  social  duty  de 
manded  of  him  by  the  women  in  his  set,  and 
religiously  paid  all  of  his  social  obligations/' 

44 1  remember  very  well,"  interrupted  Mrs. 
Max.  "We  used  to  have  a  joke  about  him. 
He  had  a  regular  programme  for  paying  social 
debts.  He  would  pay  off  a  dinner  with  a  the 
atre  party,  and  a  theatre  party  with  a  restaurant 
dinner;  a  dancing  party  invitation  brought  a 
bunch  of  roses,  and  an  afternoon  tea  a  bonbon- 
niere.  If  he  accepted  a  house  party  invitation, 
some  time  during  that  year  the  hostess  would 
be  sure  to  get  from  him  a  lovely  little  oil  paint 
ing,  and  he  always  gave  delightful  wedding 
presents." 

"Yes,  that  was  Parker  Rossiter,"  resumed 
the  Major*  "At  the  end  of  each  month  he 
156 


That  the  Wisest  Suffer  Most 

managed  to  pay  his  bills,  for  if  one  month  had 
been  extravagant  he  would  average  up  on  the 
next  month  by  taking  water  with  his  claret,  as 
the  French  say*  Well,  three  years  ago  some 
thing  happened  to  poor  Parker's  income*  Some 
Trust  or  other  consolidated  most  of  it  out  of 
existence,  leaving  him  about  a  thousand  dollars 
a  year*  He  was  no  more  equipped  than  a  baby 
to  earn  a  living;  he  was  not  the  man  to  have 
influence  to  secure  him  a  sinecure  nor  to  use 
that  influence  if  he  had  it*  He  resigned  from 
all  but  one  club,  and  went  to  live  in  a  little  hall 
bedroom,  heaven  only  knows  where*  The 
restaurants  he  can  afford  to  patronize  would  offer 
a  luxurious  banquet  to  your  little  artificial  flower- 
girl's  father,  but  poor  Parker  frequently  leaves 
those  restaurants  hungry*  Of  course  he  has 
declined  every  invitation  of  every  kind*  Plenty 
of  men  do  put  themselves  daily  under  social 
obligations  they  know  they  can  never  pay;  Park 
er  could  no  more  do  that  than  he  would  borrow 
money  he  could  not  pay*  With  the  exception 
of  one  club  membership,  he  has  given  up  every 
thing  in  life  that  for  twenty  years  had  been  to 
him  what  makes  life  worth  living*  I  see  him 
at  the  club  frequently*  He  goes  there  ostensibly 
to  read  the  papers,  really  to  be  in  an  atmosphere 
in  which  he  can  breatne*  No  member  of  the 
club  is  treated  with  greater  consideration  by  the 

157 


That  the  Wisest  Suffer  Most. 

other  members ;  they  all  see  in  him  a  helpless, 
hopeless  child,  as  surely  dying  of  privation  as 
the  most  unfortunate  wretch  in  the  slums*  Pos 
sibly  the  process  is  inflicting  upon  him  keener 
suffering  than  is  felt  by  those  who  complain — he 
never  does  that*  But  how  prosy  I  am,  my  dear ! 
Do  you  happen  to  know  who  wrote  these  lines: 

4  4  Is  it  true*  oh,  Christ  in  heaven !  that  the  wisest  suffer 
most; 

That  the  strongest  wander  furthest  and  most  hope 
lessly  are  lost ; 

That  the  mark  of  rank  in  nature  is  capacity  for  pain ; 

That  the  anguish  of  the  singer  lends  its  sweetness  to 
the  strain  ?'* 


158 


The  Squaring  of  Bob* 


OL*  BOB  BILLINGS  had  been  THE 
dining  with  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Max,  SQUARING 
and  after  dinner  he  talked  of  BOB- 
Mrs*  Jack  Daring*    He  had  not 
introduced  the  subject,  for  he  is 
one  of  the  most  cautious  men, 
conversationally,  in  the  world, 


and  he  would  never  be  guilty  of  talking  about 
one  woman  whom  he  was  known  to  admire  to 
another  woman  of  anywhere  near  the  same  age 
and  equally  admirable*  Mrs*  Max  had  herself 
led  the  conversation  around  to  Mrs*  Jack,  in  fact 
had  rather  persisted  in  the  topic ;  and,  with  this 
warrant  for  doing  so,  Bob  had  contributed  some 
pleasant  chat  about  Mrs*  Tack's  chafing-dish 
suppers*  Once  started,  he  had  become  a  trifle 
enthusiastic  in  praise  of  Mrs*  Jack's  chafing-dish 
successes,  and  had  spoken  of  her  proficiency  in 
that  respect  as  something  new  and  charming  in 
feminine  accomplishments* 

Mrs*  Max  is  almost  infantile  in  her  ingenu 
ousness,  as  young  wives  of  middle-aged  husbands 
are  apt  to  be — if  they  happen  to  be  in  love  with 
their  husbands*  It  was  this  phase  of  the  lady's 
altogether  charming  nature  which  showed  to  the 
Major,  even  before  Bob's  departure,  that  that 

161 


The  Squaring  of  Bob. 

unlucky  man  was  suddenly  and  intensely 
unpopular.  Of  course,  being  a  man,  he  had  not 
the  slightest  idea  wherein  BOD  had  offended,  and, 
having  failed  by  his  unassisted  efforts  to  solve 
the  mystery,  he  determined  to  learn  from  Mrs* 
Max* 

She  was  in  a  dressing-gown  in  her  room, 
engaged  in  that  thoughtful,  bedtime  occupation 
of  brushing  out  her  hair,  when  the  Major  called 
out  from  his  room : 

44  What  has  that  unfortunate  Billings  gone 
and  done  now,  my  dear  ?  " 

There  was  some  moments'  silence,  broken 
only  by  the  long,  slow  swish  of  the  hair 
brushes,  before  Mrs*  Max  replied : 

44  Nothing*  I  think  he  is  one  of  your  most 
charming  friends*" 

The  Major  walked  into  his  wife's  room, 
looked  about  unsuccessfully  for  an  unoccupied 
chair  to  sit  down  in,  then  backed  up  before  the 
grate  fire  and  remarked  thoughtfully : 

44 1  entertained  a  remote  suspicion  that  old 
Bob  was  in  disgrace  in  your  gentle  bosom,  but 
since,  happily,  you  removed  that  carking  thought 
I  will  amuse  myself  in  telling  you  a  pretty  little 
tale  wherein  then  Lieut*  Robert  Billings  figures 
as  an  adorable  hero*" 

Mrs*  Max  laid  down  her  brushes  and 
recklessly  sat  down  on  something  on  a  chair 
262 


The  Squaring  of  Bob. 

that  the  Major  had  not  thought  would  endure 
sitting  on,  and  said  decisively : 

44  You  just  needn't  tell  me  any  more  stories 
about  Bob  Billings*  He  is  just  as  stupid  as  of 
course  any  man  is  who  has  never  been  married 
at  his  age*  He  and  his  Mrs*  Jack  Daring's  new 
accomplishments  with  a  chafing-dish!  New, 
indeed ! " 

Then  Mrs*  Max  arose  and  resumed  her 
brushes*  The  Major  regarded  her  admiringly, 
and  then  smiled,  until  he  saw  that  she  had 
discovered  his  smile  in  the  mirror,  then  he  said, 
soberly : 

"My  dear,  you  are  never  so  completely 
my  ideal  as  when  you  abandon  the  inexactitudes 
commonly  observed  in  feminine  conversation, 
banish  utterly  the  confusing  non  sequitur,  and 
give  yourself  wholly  to  logical  discourse*  When 
you  remind  me  that  Bob  is  stupid,  and  prove  it 
by  Mrs*  Jack  Daring's  chafing-dish,  I  feel  that  in 
meeting  yours  my  own  exiguous  mentality  is  in 
no  danger  of  decline  for  lack  of  exercise*  Have 
I  your  permission  to  light  a  cigarette  ?  And  to 
remove  one  of  these  articles  from  one  of  these 
chairs  ?  And  to  sit  down  ?  " 

44  You  have  my  permission  to  tell  me  what 
you  are  talking  about,"  said  Mrs*  Max  with 
great  severity,  but  she  lighted  a  cigarette  and 
gave  it  to  the  Major* 

163 


The  Squaring  of  Bob. 

"In  other  words,  then,"  said  the  Major, 
"  what  has  Mrs*  Jack's  chafing-dish  to  do  with 
Bob's  unpopularity  ?  " 

"I  never  said  he  was  unpopular;  and 
besides,  Mrs.  Jack  Daring  didn't  know  a  chafing- 
dish  from  a  preserve-jar  until  this  craze  for 
chafing-dish  suppers  came  along/' 

44  whereas  you  have  been  past  mistress  of 
the  chafing-dish  mysteries  ever  since  forever.  I 
begin  to  understand,"  the  Major  said. 

44  Why,  of  course,"  Mrs.  Max  exclaimed, 
brightening.  "Didn't  my  father  teach  me  to 
cook  in  a  chafing-dish  as  soon  as  I  came  from 
school  ?  That's  what  I  mean,  don't  you  know  ? 
Then  men  like  Bob  Billings  come  back  here 
from  wherever  you  kill  Indians,  and  see  a  woman 
like  Mrs.  Jack  pottering  over  a  chafing-dish,  and 
spoiling  everything  she  touches,  and  then  come 
and  tell  me  that  it's  a  delightful  new  accom 
plishment  some  ladies  have.  It's  just  like  those 
English  people  who  expect  us  to  be  astonished 
when  they  tell  us  they  take  a  bath  every  day. 
If  Bob  Billings  had  a  wife,  he'd  have  some 
sense*" 

44  There's  something  in  that,  as  the  man 
said  when  he  put  on  his  shoe  with  a  mouse  in 
it,"  remarked  the  Major,  thoughtlessly  knocking 
the  ashes  from  his  cigarette  into  a  hairpin  tray, 
44  and  that  reminds  me  of  the  little  story  I  was 
164 


The  Squaring  of  Bob* 

to  tell  you.  When  Bob  and  I  were  in 
it  ^lez  Perces  campaign,  we  called  those  days 
Sundays  when  it  happened  that  we  didn't  have 
some  sort  of  fight  or  brush  with  the  Indians. 
We  had  about  four  Sundays  in  four  months. 
Bob  is  a  fool  of  a  fellow  about  some  other  things 
besides  chafing-dishes,  and  among  them  is  tnat 
he  doesn't  know  what  fear  is.  Possibly  I  should 
say  that  he  does  not  know  what  danger  is.  We 
never  had  a  scrimmage  that  Bob  was  not  in  it 
where  there  was  the  greatest  likelihood  of  his 
being  killed.  There  was  no  bravado  about 
him ;  he  had  taken  a  fancy  for  killing  Indians 
because  in  our  first  scrimmage  he  had  lost  a 
dear  friend — his  favorite  horse.  Well,  in  those 
four  months  Bob  saw  about  as  much  of  Indians 
and  Indian  fighting  as  most  Indian  fighters  do  in 
a  lifetime.  The  first  time  he  was  in  New  York 
after  that  he  and  I  were  at  dinner  one  evening 
where  a  sweet  little  tuft-hunting  fool  of  a  woman 
made  valiant  siege  for  Bob's  attentions.  She 
saw  that  he  was  being  lionized  for  something ; 
she  did  not  know  for  what — did  not  even  know 
that  he  was  in  the  army.  'My  dear  Mr. 
Billings/  she  said  to  him  impressively,  *you 
must  let  me  engage  you  for  my  next  Thursday 
night.  I  know  you  will  come  when  I  tell  you 
that  I  am  so  fortunate  as  to  promise  that  you 
shall  meet  there  Charley  Fitz-Urse  Perkins,  who 

16$ 


The  Squaring  of  Bob. 

is  a  most  daring  traveller.  He  has  been  quite  to 
Montana,  accompanied  only  by  his  valet,  where 
I  assure  you  he  saw  «..  real  live  Indian/  * 

44  What  did  Bob  say  to  her  ?  "  asked  Mrs. 
Max,  after  a  comfortable  little  giggle. 

44 1  forget/'  said  the  Major,  "  what  he  said 
to  her,  but  I  recall  what  he  said  to  me  as  we 
walked  home.  Shall  T  repeat  it  to  you  ?  " 

44  Perhaps  you  had  better  not :  but  tell  Bob 
to  come  up  some  night  next  week  and  Pll  cook 
him  a  chafing-dish  terrapin  stew,"  said  Mrs. 
Max. 


1 66 


The  Mystery  of  Man  and 
Mushrooms, 


CURIOUS  thing  is  that  even  THE 
the  civilian  most  nearly  ap-  MYSTERY  OF 
proaching    the  man  of  sense  MAN  AND 
will,  when  moved  to  consider  MUSHROOMS. 
us  at  all,  persist  in  referring  to 
army  officers  as 4  men  of  blood, ' 
or  refer  to  us  as  having  been 


4  trained  in  the  art  of  killing/  Therefore,  I 
shall  give  up  my  great  work  on  '  How  to  Dis 
tinguish  the  Edible  Mushroom/" 

44  Major, "  said  Mrs.  Max  softly,  "  what  is 
it  I  have  sometimes  heard  you  say  I  am  ?  " 
>     "  An  angel,  always,  my  dear  I " 

"Of  course  always  an  angel,  but  some 
times — inconsequential  ?  " 

"If  the  word  has  passed  my  lips  in  relation 
to  you,  it  was  in  praise.  Fancy  life  with  a  con 
sequential  woman!  You  were  about  to  re 
mark?" 

"That  what  in  ever  you  mean  by  mixing 
mushrooms  with  men  of  blood,  Pm  sure ! " 

44  Exactly,  my  dear.  I  should  earn,  as  you 
suggest,  the  reputation  of  revelling  in  the  death 
of  my  fellow-creatures  if  I  completed  and  pub 
lished  my  great  work  on  the  mushroom.  I 
have  come  to  this  conclusion  not  through  any 

169 


The  Mystery  of  Man  and  Mushrooms. 

doubt  as  to  the  lucidity  of  my  literary  style,  for 
compared  to  it  I  have  long  considered  the  rays 
from  a  purest  gem  serene  a  Cimmerian  atmos 
pheric  attribute " 

44  Major ! "  interrupted  Mrs*  Max  in  great 
alarm;  "you  will  pardon  me,  won't  you?  I 
did  not  notice  your  glass. "  She  filled  his  glass, 
watched  him  drink,  filled  it  again,  and  said 
hopefully :  "  Now  you'll  talk  English,  won't 
you — New  York  English ;  the  kind  I  like  and 
understand  ?  " 

44 1  am  pleased,  Mrs*  Max,  that  you  seem 
to  consider  the  emptiness  of  my  glass  responsi 
ble  for  the  fulness  of  my  speech,  since  you  ob 
ject  to  the  speech  and  are  in  reach  of  the  glass. 
In  what  you  quaintly  describe  as  New  Y ork 
English,  I  shall  now  explain  that  I  have  con 
cluded  that  the  human  intellect  is  capable  of  all 
but  one  mental  achievement,  and  that  is  the  un 
derstanding  of  the  difference  between  the  edible 
and  inedible  mushroom.  Men  master  the 
mysteries  of  the  heavens ;  solve  the  secrets  of  the 
ocean's  depths ;  rend,  with  the  alchemist's  thun 
der,  the  dark  recesses  of  the  earth ;  control  with 
artful  device  the " 

"But    when  they're  real  fresh,  I  think, 
broiled,  on  toast,  with  a  sauce  maitre  d'hotel, 
they're  lovely  for  breakfast, "  interrupted  Mrs* 
Max  with  sudden  enthusiasm. 
170 


The  Mystery  of  Man  and  Mushrooms. 

The  Major  called  the  setter  to  his  knee  and 
pinched  that  amazed  animal's  ear  until  the  dog 
whimpered  with  pain*  Then,  when  Mrs*  Max 
wanted  to  know  what  was  the  matter,  the 
Major  replied,  huskily,  that  the  setter  had  inter 
rupted  him*  Thereupon  Mrs*  Max  ordered  the 
setter  out  of  the  room,  and  with  dreamy  placid 
ity  resumed  her  fancy  work*  After  several 
minutes'  silence  she  looked  up  and  inquired 
sweetly :  "  What  were  you  going  to  say  about 
mushrooms,  Major  ?  " 

The  Major  emptied  his  glass  and  then 
said  slowly:  "Only  this,  that,  as  it  seems 
impossible  to  divert  human  beings  from  the 
excitement  of  poisoning  themselves  with  in 
edible  mushrooms,  and  as  they  poison  them 
selves  the  more  the  more  they  are  instructed, 
I  have  decided  that  any  effort  on  my  part  in 
the  way  of  instruction  would  only  result  in 
increasing  the  death-rate,  an  end  commendable 
in  itself  and  condemnable  only  in  an  army 
officer*" 

44  But, "  said  Mrs*  Max,  with  proud  impor 
tance,  "  Col*  Bob  Billings  told  Mrs*  Jack  Daring 
that  when  you  were  a  lieutenant  you  killed 
more  Indians  than  any  of  your  soldiers,  though 
Pm  sure  the  way  their  squaws  carry  their 
papooses  on  their  backs  is  quite  cunning*  Mrs. 
Jack  asked  Col*  Bob  how  me  squaws  powdered 

171 


The  Mystery  of  Man  and  Mushrooms. 

the  papooses,  and  he  said  with  puff  balls.  Is 
that  so?" 

"Bob  may  have  studied  the  puff  ball  in 
its  relation  to  the  aboriginal  infant's  toilet,  but  I 
did  not.  To  me  the  puff  ball  was  interesting 
only  as  an  article  of  diet,  I  knew  it  as  the 
4  Lycoperdon  giganteum. '  * 

"But,  Major,  you  don't  mean  to  say  that 
you  ate  things  with  such  horrid  names !  But," 
continued  Mrs,  Max  after  a  thoughtful  pause, 
44  if  you  took  the  trouble  to  learn  all  about  its 
Latin  parts,  I  should  think  you  would  print  a 
piece  about  it ;  for  what's  the  use  knowing  so 
much  unless  people  know,  you  know," 

The  Major  went  to  his  desk,  and  return 
ing  to  the  table,  lovingly  unfolded  some  manu 
script,  regarded  it  with  a  mixture  of  affection 
ana  respect,  and  then  replied :  "  It  must 
remain  unpublished,  but  it  shall  not  die  a  song 
unsung.  Do  not  start,  my  dear;  I  only  purpose 
reading  extracts — to  sing  certain  bars,  so  to 
say — of  my  chapter  on  the  *L,  Giganteum/ 
Speaking  of  extracts  and  bars,  would  you 
kindly?  Thank  you!" 

During  blissful  tens  of  minutes  the  Major 
indulged  in  the  ecstasy  of  reading  aloud  his  own 
composed  language — happy  in  that,  happy  in 
the  absence  of  comment  by  Mrs,  Max;  happy 
that  she  had  placed  the  decanter  so  that  he 
172 


The  Mystery  of  Man  and  Mushrooms. 

could  refill  his  glass  without  taking  his  eyes 
from  the  manuscript* 

At  last,  reluctantly,  he  paused,  observed 
the  peaceful  slumbers  of  Mrs*  Max,  and  silently 
rolled  up  his  manuscript*  The  setter,  whicn 
had  stolen  into  the  library  again,  looked  at  the 
Major,  and  then,  with  some  evidence  of  acerbity, 
woKe  up  Mrs*  Max*  As  she  opened  her  eyes, 
that  lady  said:  "How  sweetly  you  read, 
Major  r 

"In  this  case,  'the  anguish  of  the  singer 
lends  its  sweetness  to  the  tone/  "  remarked  the 
Major,  replacing  the  manuscript  in  his  desk. 


175 


The  Emancipation  of  Mrs.  Max* 


EALLY,  Major,  if  I  had  any  in-  THE 
fluence  with  the  Government  EMANCIPA- 
— what  do  you  say,  the  Ad-  TION  OF 
ministration? — well,   with  the  MRS-  MAX- 
Administration,  I  should  have 
that  Bob  Billings  deprived  of 
his  leave  from  his  regiment* 
It's    really    impossible,  you    know,  shocking! 
Why  in  ever  it's  that  way,  I'm  sure ! " 

44  Did  I  understand  you  to  say  that  the  Ad 
ministration  is  *  really  impossible,'  and,  further 
more,  '  shocking '  ?  " 

44  You  know,  Major,"  said  Mrs*  Max,  in  a 
slightly  complaining  tone,  "I  never  said  any 
thing  of  the  kind,  for  I  know  some  really  lovely 
people  in  Washington  who  wear  some  rather 
decent  lace,  except  when  they  go  to  official 
functions*  I  said  that  that  Bob  Billings  and  his 
conduct  with  Mrs*  Jack  Daring  are  shocking/' 

"True,  my  dear,  true,"  the  Major  said, 
apologetically.  "It  was  stupid  in  me  not  to  so 
divine  when  you  referred  to  poor  Bob  as  4  that ' 
Bob  Billings.  Now,  do  you  know  that  that 
4  that '  that  that  feeling  prompted  you  to  modify 
Bob's  name  with  is  one  which  I  view  with  alarm, 
and  tremble  to  discover  in  our  midst  ?  There  is 

177 


The  Emancipation  of  Mrs.  Max. 

a  frosty  refinement  of  satire  suggested  thereby 
which  would  be  unendurable  to  my  sensitive 
nature  had  it  not  enabled  me  to  reply  in  a  sen 
tence  including  five  consecutively  placed  '  that's/ 
which  I  have  long  longed " 

"  Major,"  interrupted  Mrs*  Max  softly,  but 
with  an  anguished  look, "  Major,  will  you  please 
not  to  talk  that  way  if  I  tell  you  something 
good?" 

44  Madam,  I  will  not  talk  any  way  what 
soever  so  long  as  you  entrance  by  telling  me 
anything." 

44  Well,  that  vintage  champagne  came  to 
day*" 

44  And  has  been  unboxed  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"And  iced?" 

"A  case*" 

44  A  case,  with  reasonable  moderation,  will 
answer,  I  think,  for  an  evening.  Will  you  order 
a  twelfth  of  a  case  uncorked  r  Thanks.  You 
were  ever  kind  and  thoughtful.  In  the  presence 
of  this  did  I  say  I  would  not  talk  4  like  that '  ? 
Madam,  you  behold  in  me,  for  the  rest  of  the 
evening,  a  clam ;  an  absorbent,  admiring  clam." 

The  Major  put  down  his  glass  and  re 
garded  Mrs.  Max  admiringly.  Indeed  she  de 
served  his  admiration,  for  the  glass  she,  too,  had 
emptied  had  smoothed  the  only  44  wrinkle  in  the 
178 


The  Emancipation  of  Mrs.  Max. 

rose  leaf  "  ever  observed  in  that  charming  lady's 
appearance;  that  is,  an  impression  rather  than 
an  expression  of  being  slightly  bored* 

The  setter  observed  the  change  in  her  ap 
pearance,  and,  as  he  likes  her  best  when  she 
appears  interested  in  anything,  gravely  walked 
to  her  side  and  put  one  big  paw  in  her  lap,  pre 
tending  the  while,  as  if  not  to  spoil  her  with  too 
much  attention,  to  be  observing  the  wine-cooler 
by  her  side,  which  gave  his  head  and  ears  a 
pretty,  drooping  pose* 

"What  I  was  going  to  say,"  said  Mrs* 
Max  after  a  silent  appreciation  of  the  admira 
tion  she  felt  she  was  receiving,  "  was  that  Bob 
Billings  makes  me  impatient  with  his  annual 
trip  to  New  York  for  no  other  purpose  than  to 
dangle  at  the  belt  of  Mrs*  Jack*  If  he  won't 
marry,  which  he  ought  to  do,  then  why  doesn't 
he  start  a  new  flirtation,  as  other  men  do  ?  " 

"My  dear,"  exclaimed  the  Major,  "con 
stancy  is  a  virtue  I  have  never  heard  con 
demned  by  woman  until  now*" 

"You  don't  understand,  Major,"  Mrs* 
Max  said,  putting  one  dainty  hand  on  the  set 
ter's  broad  head*  "  You  don't  understand,  and 
you  don't  wish  to,  I  fancy*" 

14  What,  not  wish  to  unveil  Isis  ?  " 

"  What  I  mean  is  that  I  am  not  so  angry 
with  Bob  as  being  sorry  for  him*  Mrs*  Jack  is 

179 


The  Emancipation  of  Mrs.  Max. 

not  nearly  as  attractive  as  she  was  when  Bob 
first  began  his — you  understand — when  he  first 
joined  ner  train,  you  know*  I  don't  say  she  is 
falling  off,  for  Mrs.  Jack  dresses  as  well  as  she 
ever  did.  It  is  not  fair  for  a  woman  to  keep  a 
man  like  Bob,  who  is  really  growing  handsomer 
every  day,  keep  him  in  attendance  when  he 
would  quickly  enough  be  taken  up,  if  he  were 
free,  by  plenty  of  young  married  women,  who  care 
for  that  sort  of  a  thing,  you  know;  care  for  a 
showy,  innocent  flirtation,  don't  you  know  ?  " 

During  this  speech  the  Major's  eyes  opened 
ever  wider  and  wider.  He  tried  hard  to  con 
ceal  his  appreciation  that  Mrs.  Max  had  taken 
a  new  and  for  her  a  daring  viewpoint  of  a 
phase  of  social  relations  which  she  usually  re 
fused  to  see  except  from  a  distance,  and  with 
half-closed  eyes.  He  directed  the  delight  he 
could  not  wholly  conceal,  and  which  would 
have  warned  her  if  she  had  recognized  it,  toward 
the  wine.  He  thereby  obtained  another  glassful. 
Then  he  remarked  with  affected  indifference : 

44  This  seems  to  me  to  be  a  matter  in  which 
Mrs.  Jack  must  be  held  guiltless  of  even  bad 
form.  Probably,  if  she  were  tired  of  Bob's  at 
tentions,  she  could  not  divert  them.  You  see,  a 
man  like  him,  ten  months  in  the  year  in  a  fron 
tier  army  post,  seeing  nothing  of  women  of  his 
social  class,  keeps  always  fresh  and  sentimental 

180 


The  Emancipation  of  Mrs.  Max. 

in  his  memory  such  a  woman  as  Mrs  Jack  after 
he  has  happened  to  start  an  innocent  flirtation 
with  her*  He  sees  no  one  else  to  distract  him, 
and  goes  mooning  along,  from  guard  mount  to 
taps,  always  with  the  same  face  in  his  mind. 
Really,  it  is  rather  stupid  of  Bob/' 

"It  isn't  anything  of  the  kind/'  Mrs.  Max 
responded  with  some  spirit*  "  I  don't  object  to 
Bob  mooning  out  in  the  wilds  about  the  last 
woman  he  flirted  with  here ;  but  I  do  object  to 
Mrs.  Jack  taking  such  precious  good  care 
that  she  shall  be  that  woman.  Don't  you 
suppose  if  she  gave  him  a  chance  he'd 
have  the  fun  of  falling  in  love  with  another 
woman  ?  " 

"Falling  in  love?" 

44  Certainly.  A  man  like  Bob  is  entitled  to 
the  fun  of  falling  in  love  with  a  different  woman 
every  year,  and  he'd  be  ever  so  much  more  in 
teresting  if  he  did." 

44  Madam,  you  discourage  me.  Here  have 
I  been  your  devoted  slave  and  admirer  for  more 
than  three  years,  and  thereby  keeping  myself 
uninteresting." 

44  Major,  do  not  be  foolish.  You  are  mar 
ried.  Besides  that  you  married  a  young  wife, 
and  you  will  be  interesting  only  so  long  as  you 
remain  in  love  with  her.  I  am  much  younger 
than  Mrs.  Jack." 

ifti 


The  Emancipation  of  Mrs.  Max. 

44  My  dear,  you  are  a  mere  infant/'  said 
Major  Max,  walking  over  to  where  she  had 
strolled  by  a  portiere,  beneath  an  Empire  mirror 
— "but,"  he  continued,  lifting  her  hand  to  his 
lips, 44  a  wise  infant,  and  I  long  for  more  of  your 
views  concerning  the  case  of  Captain  Bob  and 
Mrs.  Jack" 

44 1  invited  that  Mrs*  Violet  Slanguered  to 
dinner  the  other  evening  only  to  give  Bob  a 
chance,  for  she  is  young,  pretty,  and  would  flirt 
with  a  wooden  Indian  if  nothing  else  offered. 
But  you  saw  how  Mrs.  Jack,  who  is,  of  course, 
cleverer,  fenced  Violet  off  the  instant  Jack  began 
to  take  notice*" 

44  Now  that  you  mention  it,  I  believe  I  did 
observe  Mrs.  lack  constructing  a  wire  fence 
around  Bob  that  evening,  but  the  reason  why 
did  not  penetrate  my  denser  masculine  under 
standing,"  the  Major  said.  4i  But  your  informa 
tion  amazes.  You,  usually  the  most  lucid 
woman  in  the  world,  have  left  me  now  in  an 
anguish  o£  perplexity.  Could  you  not,  in  easy 
words  of  one  syllable,  untangle  the  problem? 
So  far  as  I  am  able  to  understand,  you  have  re 
ceded  with  such  momentum  from  the  position 
that  it  is  wrong  for  Bob  to  flirt  with  a  married 
woman  that  you  have  landed  squarely  on  the 
precious  plank  that  it  is  wrong  for  him  not  to 
flirt  with  every  married  woman." 
182 


The  Emancipation  of  Mrs.  Max. 

"  With  every  married  woman  who  likes  to 
flirt,"  corrected  Mrs*  Max* 

"The  distinction  is  more  apparent  than 
real,"  said  the  Major  to  the  setter*  "Then 
your  objection  to  Mrs*  Jack's  flirting  is  not,  in 
fact,  that  she  flirts,  but  that  she  continues  a  flirta 
tion  with  Bob  to  the  exclusion  of  Violet  et  al* 
Am  I  right  ?  " 

44 1  don't  care  anything  about  Violet  in  the 
matter*  She  is  a  woman,  and  can  change  her 
flirtation  as  often  as  she  likes,"  Mrs*  Max  said* 

"My  mental  darkness  is  becoming  Cim 
merian*" 

"  You  mean  that  you  want  me  to  ring  for 
another  bottle  of  wine*  You  always  do  when 
you  use  words  I  don't  understand*" 

"  Which  you  understand  perfectly,  as  you 
prove,"  the  Major  remarked  as  his  wife  rang* 

Mrs*  Max  walked  over  to  the  Major's 
chair  and  sat  on  its  arm  before  she  resumed,  in 
a  now-I'll-be-honest  tone* 

"  It's  like  this,  Major :  There  is  something 
actually  pathetic  to  most  women  in  such  a  case 
as  Bob  Billings'*  Every  woman  flirts " 

"Madam!" 

"  More  or  less " 

"Madam!" 

"  Some  time  in  her  life*" 

"Ah!    I  am  relieved*" 


The  Emancipation  of  Mrs.  Max. 

"You  would  not  let  me  finish*  Well, 
really,  Major,  I  don't  know  just  how  to  go  on." 

44 1  observe  no  lack  of  progress*" 

"Well,  then,  honest  women  do  men  an 
awful  lot  of  good  by  flirting  with  them.  It — er 
— it  brightens  them,  and — er — refines  them, 
don't  you  know.  If  I  had  a  brother,  I  should 
want  him  to  flirt  a  great  deal  with  many  differ 
ent  married  women." 

44  This  is  social  anarchism ! "  exclaimed  the 
Major  gravely,  returning  a  wink  from  the  setter. 

44  Listen.  But  if  a  man  keeps  up  even  the 
most  innocent  affair — I  mean  a  single  man  with 
a  married  woman — year  after  year,  he  becomes 
— what  do  you  say  ? — mauvais  ton  ?  " 

"Vulgar?" 

44  Not  quite  that.  Bob  could  never  be  that ; 
but  both  conspicuous  and  cowed.  I  guess  there 
is  no  word  for  it.  It  isn't  nice,  Major.  The 
nicest  women  would  not  keep  as  good  a  chap 
as  Bob  in  a  position  where  he  is  sure  to  become 
— oh,  there  must  be  a  word ! — not  quite  rough 
ened,  you  know,  but  blunted  somehow.  Not  that 
Mrs.  Jack  isn't  nice,  but  you  must  have  noticed 
the  way  she  wore  that  rose  in  her  corsage  the 
other  evening.  I  feel  so  badly  about  the  whole 
affair  that  I'm  really  sorry  that  Bob  insists  upon 
treating  me  as  your  daughter  instead  of  your 
wife ;  lor  if  he  did  not,  I'd  flirt  with  him  myseli" 
184 


Snails  and  Paternalism* 


OW,  my  caring  for  snails  is,  or,  SNAILS 
rather  it  should  be,  as  it  affects  AND 
my  neighbors,  the  same  as  my  PATER- 
being  a  Paternalist :  it  is  none  NALISM. 
of  their  business.     As  I  have 
begun  to  explain,  I  have  taken 
one  dozen  Burgundian  snails, 
and-" 

44  But,  Major  I"  interrupted  Mrs*  Max  anx 
iously,  "what  in  ever  was  that  you  said  you 
were  ?  A  pater — paternal — what ! " 

"A  Paternalist,  my  dear,"  answered  the 
Major  patiently.  "  That  is  what  I  am  politically, 
a  Paternalist/' 

"Oh,  politically,  I  thought  it  meant  some 
thing  about  something — why,  something  dif 
ferent  besides  politics,  don't  you  know/' 

"No.  They  are  quite  the  same  thing; 
snails,  politics,  paternalism,  when  you  don't 
understand  them.  I  was  about  to  add  to  your 
information  in  the  matter  of  snails." 

Mrs.  Max  handled  the  new  silver  snail 
tongs  and  picks  with  much  interest ;  observed 
that  if  the  snails  were  as  nice  as  the  tongs, 
which  were  the  spring  kind  you  press  together 
when  you  want  them  to  go  apart ;  and  added 

187 


Snails  and  Paternalism. 

that  she  was  sure,  with  a  singular  lack  of  con 
viction,  considering  her  form  of  expression* 

The  event  was  one  of  the  Major's  culinary 
surprises*  He  is  very  fond  of  snails  "  bourguig- 
nonnes*"  He  sent  some  home  a  couple  of  weeks 
ago,  but  the  cook,  having  only  vaguely  regarded 
his  instructions  as  to  their  preparation,  put  them 
in  cold  water  and  did  not  put  the  water  on  the 
stove,  whereupon  they  crawled  out  of  their  shells, 
and  were  thereafter  observed  by  the  horrified 
cook  disporting  themselves  on  the  ceiling  and 
walls*  The  butler  had  to  be  pressed  into  ser 
vice  to  remove  them,  the  cook  having  fainted* 
That  was  why  the  Major  determined,  when  he 
next  observed  a  fresh  arrival  from  France,  to 
take  them  home  and  give  the  cook  an  object 
lesson  by  preparing  them  himself*  The  com 
placency  of  Mrs*  Max  had  been  insured  by  a 
present  of  the  tongs  and  picks,  and  they  were 
now  anticipating  the  arrival  of  the  snails  at  the 
dinner  table,  the  Major  improving  the  oppor 
tunity  for  a  description  of  his  preparation  of  the 
44  escargots* " 

44  As  I  was  saying,"  continued  the  Major, 
44 1  took  my  pretty  little  dozen  of  snails  in  their 
shells  and  threw  them  into  a  pot  of  boiling 
water,  into  which  I  had  previously  thrown  a 
pinch  of  soda — some  highly  respected  authori 
ties  prefer  wood  ashes*" 
its 


Snails  and  Paternalism. 

44  Are  they  seasoned  with  ashes,  Major  ?" 
asked  Mrs*  Max  in  some  alarm* 

44  They  were  yet  a  long  way  off  from  their 
seasoning*  After  they  had  boiled  for  fifteen 
minutes  I  took  them  out  of  their  shells  and  still 
further  cleansed  them  in  several  waters*  and 
then  boiled  them*  still  out  of  their  shells  you 
will  observe*  my  dear*  for  another  fifteen 
minutes*  Then  I  again  threw  them  into  cold 
water*  Then*  to  make  the  shells  perfectly  clean 
and  presentable*  I  gave  them  a  separate  clean 
ing*  Next  I  made  a  most  delectable  paste  of 
some  finely  chopped  parsley*  garlic — don't  look 
shocked*  my  dear*  the  beauty  of  the  Italian 
women's  eyes  comes*  not  from  their  souls*  but 
from  garlic — and  green  onions*  which  with  salt 
and  pepper  I  worked  into  mellow  fresh  butter. 
Then  I  went  to  the  club  for  a  couple  of  hours 
and  gave  Jack  Daring  a  few  points  in  pool*" 

"No  wonder*  Major*  our  cook  couldn't  pre 
pare  the  snails*  She  nas  no  club  to  go  to*" 

44  True,"  said  the  Major  gravely*  44  How 
ever,  there  is  a  policeman  on  our  block*  Then 
I  returned,  wiped  my  shells  dry,  and  thoroughly 
drained  the  snails*  I  put  a  little  of  the  butter 
paste  in  each  shell,  and  crowded  in  on  top  of  it  a 
snail,  then  over  each  snail  I  superimposed  more 
of  the  paste,  set  all  those  snails  from  the  vineclad 
hills  of  Burgundy,  with  their  fine  open  faces  up- 

189 


Snails  and    Paternalism. 

ward,  into  a  pan,  with  a  prayer  to  your  now 
completely  subjugated  cook-lady  to  put  them 
into  a  hot  oven,  on  the  middle  shelf,  to  give  them 
a  thorough  quick  heating  before  they  were 
served,  and — here  they  come ! " 

And  they  came  piping  hot  in  the  pan  in 
which  they  had  been  heated,  their  spicy  garlic 
odors  delighting  the  Major,  amazing  his  wife, 
and  quite  obfuscating  the  pretty  waiting  maid, 
whose  already  upward-tilted  nose  aspired  to  yet 
more  heavenly  angles* 

When  the  Major  had  served  them,  six  on 
madam's  plate,  six  on  his  own,  she  regarded 
them  with  evidences  of  a  desire  to  retreat,  which 
only  the  restraining  influence  of  the  picks  and 
tongs  overcame,  and  asked,  timidly: 

"Now  what  do  we  do?" 

"This,"  answered  the  Major*  "You 
secure  the  shell  with  your  tongs  thus,  extract 
the  snail  with  the  pick  thus,  and  then — "  A 
silent  but  eloquent  object  lesson  followed  as  the 
snail  passed  the  Major's  lips,  and  the  lesson 
closed  as  the  Major  drank  the  spicy  sauce  from 
the  shell 

Mrs*  Max  breathed  hard  and  looked  a  bit 
pale,  but  she  faithfully  obeyed  the  instructions 
of  her  lord  and  master,  blinked  hard  a  few 
times,  and  then  her  fair  face  was  wreathed  in 
the  smile  of  a  soothed  palate* 
190 


Snails  and  Paternalism. 


44' 


Paternalism,  as  I  understand  it,"  resumed 
the  Major,  "is  that  system  of  politics  which 
acknowledges  the  grand  truth  that  the  majority 
is  always  wrong*  It  gives  to  the  minority  the 
control  of  the  resources  and  products  of  the  peo 
ple  with  the  wise  understanding  that  the  use  and 
distribution  of  those  resources  and  products  will 
be  determined  in  a  manner  to  result  in  the  great 
est  good  to  the  greatest  number*  Let  me  ex 
plain  by  illustration :  You  and  the  setter  dog 
constitute  a  majority  in  this  room;  I  am  the 
minority*  We  have  upon  the  table  a  bottle  of 
Bordeaux;  among  our  resources  is  some  ex 
cellent  Burgundy ;  yet  neither  you  nor  the  setter 
have  had  the  wisdom  to  suggest  that  we  open 
a  bottle  of  Burgundy  at  this  dinner,  whereas 
that  suggestion  is  in  the  mind  of  the  minority, 
lodged  mere  possibly  by  the  coincidental  fact 
that  these  snails,  too,  are  from  Burgundy,  and 
of  the  variety  which  is  found  in  the  vineyards*" 

Mrs*  Max  rang  the  bell,  and  remarked, 
after  she  had  given  an  order  to  carry  out  the 
wise  decree  of  the  minority : 

"I  should  think,  Major,  that  with  your 
splendid  ideas  of  politics  you  would  run  for  office 
some  time*" 

"You  misapprehend,  my  dear,"  said  the 
Major,  as  he  lovingly  poured  the  Burgundy* 
44 1  nave  a  better  idea  of  office  than  of  politics*" 


Mrs,  Max's  Flirtation, 


OW  is  it,"  Mrs.  Max  asked, 

peering  at  the  Major  across  MAX'S 
the  candles  and  roses,  «  why  is  FLOTATION. 
it  that  whenever  one  starts  to 
put  on  her  right  glove  she 
always  finds  that  it  is  the  left 
glove  she  has  picked  up  ?  " 
"It  is  because  when  you  want  to  go  to 
Harlem  you  always  strike  a  Fifty-eighth  street 
train ;  but  whether  that  proves  that  one  should 
never  go  to  Harlem  or  never  wear  gloves  is  a 
question  potent  of  too  many  dangerous  corol 
laries  to  be  discussed  in  polite  society, "  replied 
the  Major*  "For  instance,  my  dear,  if  we 
were  to  permit  ourselves  to  indulge  the  discus 
sion,  it  could  be  demonstrated  by  pure  logic 
that  if  you  should  not  wear  gloves,  owing  to 
the  fact  that  you  invariably  pick  up  the  wrong 
one  first,  I  should  never  return  home  at  night, 
because  I  invariably  first  produce  from  my 
pocket  my  desk-key  instead  of  my  house-key 
when  I  want  to  let  myself  in  at  the  front  door. 
Thus,  while  urban  gayeties  might  be  prolong 
ed,  the  family,  the  unit  of  society,  would  be 
torn  by  more  than  conflicting  emotions,  and — " 
44  Major/'  interrupted  Mrs.  Max,  "  I  some- 

195 


Mrs.  Max's  Flirtation. 

times  think  one  drinks  more  champagne  out  of 
these  big  Bohemian  glasses  than  when  one  uses 
champagne  glasses* 

44  And  was  that  fact  suggested  to  you  by 
anything  I  have  recently  said?"  asked  the 
Major  dubiously* 

44  No,  indeed ! "  Mrs*  Max  replied  earnest 
ly,  "I  heard  every  word  you  said — that  you 
had  tost  your  door-key,  wasn't  it  ?  I  was  only 
thinking  what  a  horrid  fashion  that  is,  drinking 
whiskey  and  water  at  dinner*  At  Mrs*  Jack 
Daring's  dinner  the  other  evening  half  of  the 
men  and  even  some  of  the  women  drank 
whiskey  and  water*  It's  English,  I  know,  but 
abominable* " 

"Therefore  abominable,  you  mean,"  the 
Major  exclaimed  with  emphasis*  "Whiskey 
and  water  as  an  after-dinner  beverage  needs  no 
defence*  As  a  dinner  beverage  it  is  excusable 
only  when  gout  is  admitted  by  the  drinker* 
For  a  diner  not  gouty  to  decline  champagne  in 
favor  of  whiskey  denotes  a  mind  capable  of  im 
itation  only — a  simian  mind*  It  indicates  an 
intellect  arrested;  a  soul  warped  by  an  over 
mastering  desire  to  achieve  greatness  at  the  ex 
pense  of  individuality*  It  denotes " 

44  But  Mrs*  Jack  is  perfectly  good  form, 
and  she  drank  wliiskey  and  water* 

44  Mrs*  Jack  has  the  gout. " 
196 


Mrs.  Max's  Flirtation. 

"Major!" 

44 1  repeat  to  you  in  the  strictest  confidence 
what  Jack  told  me  under  the  same  conditions ; 
Mrs*  Jack  has  experienced  symptoms  of  the  gout 
in  her  Trilby  toes* " 

44  How  do  you  know  her  toes  are  Trilby 
toes  ?  " 

44  When  she  was  eight  years  old* "  replied 
the  Major  gravely* 44 1  taught  her  to  swim,  and 
her  toes  were  disclosed  to  my  admiring  gaze* " 

44 1  don't  see  how  you  can  remember  so 
long,"  Mrs*  Max  said,  smiling  inquiringly* 
Then  she  added  soberly :  44 1  thought  she  was 
drinking  whiskey  and  water  just  because  Bob 
Billings  did*  She  always  does  the  strangest 
things  when  Bob  is  here*  She  had  the  cucum 
bers  served  with  the  roast  instead  of  with  the 
shad  the  other  night*" 

44  Which,  barbarous  as  it  was* "  comment 
ed  the  Major* 44  did  not  impress  me  with  the 
same  depressing  emotions  I  felt  when  I  saw 
Mrs*  Jack  standing  on  the  stairs  in  front  of  the 
balcony  railing  of  their  music-room*  Can  you* 
with  your  feminine  perspicacity*  direct  my  mind 
along  a  channel  wherein  it  may  flow  with  rea 
sonable  calmness  until  it  has  arrived  at  some 
placid  pool  of  understanding  in  this  regard  ?  " 

44  Of  course  you  are  talking  nonsense, 
Major,"  said  Mrs*  Max,  "but  if  you  really 


Mrs.  Max's  Flirtation. 

want  to  know  why  Mrs*  Jack  stood  near  the 
top  of  the  stairs  in  front  of  the  balcony  railing 
while  she  sang,  it  was  just  to  make  a  picture  of 
herself.  And  she  had  Jack  and  Bob  grouped 
back  of  her  to  form  a  background  for  the  same 
purpose* " 

44  You  relieve  my  mind,  my  dear*  From 
where  we  were,  you  know,  on  tne  opposite  side 
of  the  gallery,  we  could  not  see  the  stairway,  and 
I  was  in  a  painful  state  of  mind  as  to  what  Mrs* 
Jack  was  standing  on*  I  merely  observed  that 
she  was  not  standing  upon  ceremony,  for  that 
most  audacious  woman  was  flirting  with  her 
own  husband,  if  ever  Jack  Daring  was  flirted 
with  in  his  life*  " 

Mrs*  Max  giggled  a  little,  and  said :  "Real 
ly,  Major,  it  was  very  clever  of  you  to  discover 
mat*  Of  course  every  woman  in  the  room 
saw  it  instantly,  but  I  had  no  idea  that  there 
was  a  man  there  clever  enough  to  find  it  out*  " 

44 1  did  feel  proud  of  the  discovery, "  the 
Major  said  with  great  humility,  44  and  if  I  had 
been  able  to  find  out  why  she  was  doing  it  I 
should  have  felt  that  the  evening  was  not  with 
out  profit  in  the  matter  of  accumulating  that 
character  of  worldly  wisdom  which  alone  can 
arm  us  against  the  wiles  of  those  who  would 
sell  social  gold  bricks  to  us*  I  should  really 
like  to  know  for  another  purpose ;  I  want  to  tell 
198 


Mrs.  Max's  Flirtation. 

Jack*  That  poor  devil  stood  there  twisting  his 
mustache,  a  picture  of  bewilderment,  when  his 
wife  was  making  eyes  at  him*  He  was  too 
bewildered  even  to  enjoy  the  novelty  of  the  sit 
uation*  " 

"Do  you  really  want  to  know?"  asked 
Mrs*  Max  gently*  digging  the  setter  dog's  ribs 
with  the  point  of  her  shoe* 

"My  dear,"  the  Major  responded  with 
much  seriousness,  "  to  prove  to  you  how  wild 
ly  anxious  I  am  to  know,  I  will  agree,  if  you 
will  tell  me,  to  impart  to  you  my  most  cherished 
secret,  the  proportions  of  vermouth  and  Amer 
Picon  which  rightly  belong  in  a  Max  cock 
tail*" 

44  You  have  been  trying  to  tell  me  that  ever 
since  we  were  married,  so  that  I  could  save  you 
the  trouble  of  mixing  them*  If  you  will  not  in 
form  me,  Til  tell  you  why  Mrs*  Jack  was  flirt 
ing  with  her  husband* " 

"  I  am  silent* " 

44  It  was  because, "  said  Mrs*  Max,  smiling, 
but  the  point  of  her  shoe  made  the  setter  whine, 
44  it  was  because  I  had  been  doing  what  for  a 
year  I  have  been  threatening  to  do " 

44  Madam,  you  agitate  and  alarm  me ;  you 
are  also  spoiling  the  setter's  coat*  End  this 
suspense ! " 

"It  was,"  resumed  Mrs*  Max,  smiling 

199 


Mrs.  Max's  Flirtation. 

still  more,  but  the  setter  slowly  moved  around 
the  table  toward  the  Major ;  "  it  was  because  I 
had  been  flirting  desperately  all  the  evening 
with  Bob  myself. " 

44  Madam ! " 

44 1  told  you  I  had  half  a  notion  to  do  so  to 
save  him  from  Mrs.  Jack.  Well,  that  night  I 
had  the  whole  notion.  Do  you  know,  Major, 
Bob  has  been  tied  to  Mrs.  Jack's  apron-strings 
so  long  he  doesn't  know  how  to  flirt  any  more 
—or  else  I  don't.  " 


200 


UST  me  and  the  murdered  lady  HOW  THE 
was  the  only  American  ladies  in  OTHER  HALF 
the  tenement,"  said  the  woman  DIES. 
who  had  given  Tommy  a  piece 
of  crust  with  some  sugar  on  it* 
Tommy  could  not  eat  the 
crust,  and  did  not  seem  to  care 


even  for  the  sugar,  for  after  he  had  held  it  to  his 
pale  lips  a  moment  he  let  it  drop  from  his  little 
weak  fingers  to  the  floor,  where  two  larger 
children  fought  for  it  until  one  of  the  Italian 
women  rapped  them  over  their  heads  and  drove 
them  out  of  the  room,  still  snarling  and  fighting* 

Pietro,  the  old  Italian  boarder,  who  held 
Tommy  in  his  arms,  crooned,  "  Poor  Towmy  I 
Poor  Towmy ! "  and  tried  to  place  the  baby's 
arms  about  his  own  brown  and  wrinkled  neck, 
but  Tommy's  hands  dropped  to  his  side,  too 
weak  to  do  anything  else* 

"Her  name  was  Maggie,"  continued  the 
American  to  the  stranger*  "  She  come  here 
from  Cherry  Hill  and  took  up  with  a  Guinny 
here  in  Mulberry  Bend*  He  abused  her  terrible, 
and  the  chair  is  too  good  for  him*"  * 

Some  of  the  Italian  men  scowled  at  the 


*  The  electrical  execution  chair. 


203 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

word  "  Guinny*"  They  could  not  understand 
all  the  American  woman  said,  but  they  caught 
that  word  and  showed  their  resentment*  The 
Italian  women,  who  could  understand  less 
English  than  the  men,  moaned,  "Oh,  Gesu! 
Oh,  Gesu !  Oh,  Santa  Maria  ! "  their  feelings 
moved  more  by  the  excitement  than  by  horror 
at  the  crime  or  sorrow  for  the  murdered  woman. 
Maggie  had  not  been  popular  in  that  back  tene 
ment,  nor  in  the  court  in  front  of  it,  where 
nearly  all  the  life  they  knew  went  on* 

44  Poor  Towmy !  Poor  Towmy ! "  crooned 
old  Pietro,  patting  the  child's  thin,  dirty  little 
hands  with  one  of  his  big  hard  palms. 

Tommy  turned  his  pale,  pinched  face  and 
big,  beautiful,  hopeless  eyes  toward  Pietro, 
sighed  wearily,  and  then  his  eyelids  drooped  and 
closed ;  not  in  sleep,  in  languor* 

44 1  wonder  will  the  Society  Agent  be  here 
first,  or  the  wagon,"  a  young  woman  they 
called  Lena  said,  with  an  air  of  important 
anticipation* 

44  The  wagon,  sure,"  answered  Lizzie,  the 
American  woman,  as  one  understanding  the 
governmental  affairs  of  Mulberry  Bend  better 
than  any  one  else  not  born  there  could* 

Lena  had  come  from  the  other  side  of  the 
Bowery,  Hester  street  way*  She  took  up  with 
a  pickpocket,  not  of  her  race,  and  had  been 
204 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

driven  from  her  people's  colony.  Even  on  the 
Bend  she  dared  not  go  round  to  the  Baxter 
street  side  of  the  block,  for  they  are  nearly  all 
Jews  there ;  as  nearly  so  as  on  the  Mulberry 
street  side  they  are  Italians*  So  she  was  practi 
cally  a  prisoner  in  the  tenement  and  its  court, 
because  the  police  would  not  let  her  go  out  on 
the  street  on  her  own  side  of  the  block,  since  the 
orders  came  from  Headquarters  to  keep  the 
women  out  of  the  saloons  there  for  the  protection 
of  Jack  ashore* 

44  It's  near  time  for  the  wagon,  then,  ain't 
it  ?  "  Lena  asked  of  Lizzie. 

44  Sure  not,"  Lizzie  responded.  44  Hasn't 
the  cop  to  go  to  the  Tombs  with  Joe  and  wait  till 
he  is  held  ?  And  then  the  Sergeant  sends  word 
to  the  Coroner,  and  he  sends  the  wagon.  I 
know  well  how  it's  done." 

Lena  was  impressed  by  this  display  of 
superior  knowledge,  and  remained  silent  for  a 
time.  She  looked  into  the  closet  bedroom, 
where  Maggie's  body  was  huddled  in  the  corner 
where  she  nad  fallen  on  her  knees  while  Joe 
slashed  her  life  out. 

The  policeman  had  taken  away  only  Joe 
and  the  knife;  all  else  in  the  blood-spattered 
room  remained  as  it  was  an  hour  ago,  when  the 
startled  tenants  rushed  in  and  found  Tommy 
crawling  over  the  body,  and  Joe,  maniacally 

205 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

drunk,  laughing  and  sobbing  and  cursing  on 
Pietro's  bed  in  the  room  where  the  crowd  was 
now,  one  of  the  two  rooms  occupied  by  Joe  and 
Maggie  and  Tommy  and  the  boarder. 

44 1  wonder  couldn't  we  do  something  to 
make  Maggie  look  decenter,"  Lena  whispered, 
after  a  long  pause,  during  which  the  only  sounds 
had  been  the  moaning  of  the  women,  "Oh, 
Gesu ! "  and  the  crooning  of  old  Pietro, 44  Poor 
Towmy !  Poor  Towmy ! " 

44 1  wonder  you  want  to  go  to  the  Island/' 
Lizzie  snapped  back  harshly.  "Don't  you 
know  you'd  get  pinched  if  you  touched  the  body 
before  the  wagon  comes  ?  When  Mollie 
Arditti's  Johnnie  fell  from  the  window  and  was 
dead  before  Mollie  got  there,  and  she  carried 
him  up  to  her  room,  didn't  the  wagon  men 
threaten  to  send  her  to  the  Island  for  making 
them  climb  all  the  stairs,  when  the  kid  died  in 
the  court?  That's  the  law.  Ain't  it,  Mr. 
Moran?" 

Mr.  Moran  was  the  policeman  left  on 
guard  until  the  wagon  and  the  Society  Agent 
should  come  to  take  the  body  and  the  baby.  He 
was  seated  by  the  window,  on  the  only  chair  in 
the  room,  reading  a  newspaper.  He  told  the 
women  to  shut  their  mouths  and  not  trouble 
him. 

The  room  where  the  tenants  were  gathered 
206 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

was  not  more  than  ten  feet  wide  and  not  quite 
so  deep  as  that,  for  the  back  tenements  are 
shallow  buildings*  Still  the  owner  felt  justified 
in  crowding  two  sets  of  rooms  on  each  floor ;  a 
two-room  set  in  front  looking  out  on  the  court, 
and  a  three-room  set  in  the  rear — there  was 
more  space  there,  the  stair-well  being  in  front — 
looking  out  on  the  sheds  where  the  wagon 
peddlers  stabled  their  horses* 

The  larger  of  the  two  rooms,  the  one  in 
which  the  neighbors  were,  contained  the  stove, 
a  tin  trunk  which  Joe  had  brought  with  him 
from  Italy,  one  chair,  and  Pietro's  cot*  In  the 
little  room  adjoining  there  was  only  a  bundle  of 
blankets  and  clothes  on  which  Joe,  Maggie, 
and  Tommy  slept* 

Pietro  paid  the  rent  for  both  rooms,  but  he 
had,  besides  his  bed,  his  breakfast  and  dinner 
when  there  was  anything  to  cook  and  Maggie 
was  sober  enough  to  prepare  a  meal*  This  was 
not  often  lately,  but  Pietro  did  not  complain,  for 
he  was  fond  of  little  two-year-old  Tommy,  and 
as  Pietro  was  the  only  person  in  the  world  who 
ever  treated  him  kindly,  ever  treated  him  at  all, 
except  to  kick  him  out  of  the  way,  Tommy  was 
fond  of  Pietro* 

44  How  did  this  happen,  any  way  ?  "  asked 
the  policeman  lazily  when  he  had  finished  read 
ing  his  paper*  He  was  not  much  interested  in 

207 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

the  case,  for  he  had  not  assisted  in  making  the 
arrests,  and  would  not  be  mentioned  in  the 
newspaper  stories* 

44  Joe  was  drunk  last  night,"  Lizzie  began, 
when  Lena  interrupted  with : 

"No  drunker  than  Maggie*  She  filled 
that  bottle  three  times  to  my  knowing." 

Lena  pointed  to  a  soda-water  bottle  on  the 
cold  stove* 

44  Three  times  is  15  cents,"  said  the  officer. 
"  Where'd  she  get  the  price  ?  " 

The  women  looked  at  each  other  know 
ingly,  but  did  not  answer  the  officer's  ques 
tion* 

Lizzie  continued :  "Joe's  been  up  against  it 
three  days,  spending  the  rent  Pietro  gave  him ; 
but  I  heard  him  come  in  last  night*  He  was 
drunk,  but  he  did  not  beat  Maggie*  This  morn 
ing  he  found  the  dispossess  notice,  and  that 
made  him  mad,  though  it  was  him  that  spent 
Pietro's  money  that  should  have  gone  to  pay 
the  rent,  and  he  beat  Maggie  till  Pietro  got  him 
to  stop*  Joe  went  out  then  and  got  drunk 
again*  When  he  came  back  Pietro  was  gone, 
and  Joe  done  Maggie  with  the  knife*" 

"  Oh,  Gesu !  Oh,  Santa  Maria ! "  moaned 
the  Italian  woman  to  whom  the  men  were 
making  a  running  translation  of  Lizzie's  story. 

"roor  Towmy!   Poor  Towmy!"  mur- 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

mured  Pietro,  gently  touching  the  child's  still 
face  resting  against  his  breast. 

44  Joe.  hadn't  worked  for  a  week/'  said  Lena* 

"Well,  an  honest  man  can't  find  work 
every  day/'  Lizzie  exclaimed* 

This  was  a  stab  at  Lena,  whose  man  was 
a  pickpocket,  and  when  it  was  translated  to  the 
Italian  women  they  shrugged  their  shoulders 
and  turned  their  backs  on  Lena*  Their  hus 
bands  were  honest  men*  Some  gathered  waste 
paper,  some  peddled  fruit  from  pushcarts,  and 
some  swept  the  streets* 

"  Well,  he  had  a  right  not  to  ask  her  to 
make  a  living  for  him — and  women  chased  off 
the  streets ! "  Lena  retorted  angrily* 

No  one  responded  to  this,  and  she  added, 
going  over  by  the  policeman's  chair  and  looking 
out  of  the  window:  "I  wonder  the  wagon 
wouldn't  come*" 

She  looked  out  on  the  stone-paved  court, 
where,  through  a  network  of  intervening 
clotheslines,  she  could  see  women  and  children 
sorting  paper  from  the  big  bags  the  men  brought 
in  from  their  carts  on  the  street ;  writing-paper 
in  one  pile,  newspaper  in  another,  glazed  paper 
in  a  third,  and  straw  paper  and  board  in  a 
fourth*  They  were  not  working  with  their 
usual  sombre  industry  and  disregard  of  all  else, 
by  which  the  whole  family,  helping  the  husband 

209 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

and  father,  can  sometimes  make  $5  a  week* 
There  was  an  unusual  and  powerful  outside 
interest  which  made  them  frequently  cast 
anxious  and  expectant  glances  at  the  mouth  of  a 
tunnel-like  passageway  which  led  to  the  street* 
It  was  through  that  passageway  the  wagon  men 
must  come  with  the  box*  Now  and  then  one, 
more  impatient  than  the  others,  would  send  a 
child  out  to  the  street  to  inquire  if  the  wagon 
was  in  sight*  Lena  overheard  one  of  the  chil 
dren  return  and  report  that  the  wagon  could 
not  yet  be  seen  from  either  end  of  the  bend,  and 
then  she  said  to  Lizzie :  "  Come  into  my  room* 
I  have  the  price*" 

As  she  passed  Pietro  she  stopped,  patted 
the  baby's  hands,  and  said :  "  Pll  send  out  for 
some  milk  for  Tommy*" 

Pietro  smiled  his  delight*  He  had  given 
Joe  all  of  his  money,  ten  cents,  in  the  morning, 
as  a  bribe  to  stop  beating  Maggie,  and  he  sor 
rowed  that  he  could  not  buy  milk  for  the  baby* 

"Poor  Towmy!  Poor  Towmy!"  he 
said ;  "  Towmy  like-a  milk,  good-a  milk*" 

The  two  women  went  into  the  back  room 
on  the  floor  below,  and  sent  out  one  of  the 
children  in  the  hall  with  eight  cents  and  two 
bottles — five  cents  for  the  gin  and  three  cents 
for  the  milk*  The  bottles  were  soon  returned 
filled,  and  a  mouthful  of  gin  was  given  to  the 

aio 


Mow  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

messenger — he  declined  the  milk — for  his  ser 
vices* 

Pietro  walked  up  and  down  the  little  room 
with  Tommy,  up  and  down,  up  and  down, 
turning  each  time  so  that  the  baby  might  not 
look  into  the  next  room  where  the  thing  was  in 
the  corner.  But  Tommy  would  not  have  seen, 
for  his  eyes  were  closed.  Often  Pietro  went  to 
the  hall  and  looked  down  the  gloomy  stairs  to 
see  if  the  women  were  coming  with  the  milk. 
He  could  hear  them  shouting  songs  in  the  room 
below,  but  no  one  came  with  the  milk. 

44  Poor  Towmy !  Poor  Towmy ! "  crooned 
the  old  man.  He  took  off  the  red  handkerchief 
from  his  throat  and  laid  it  over  Tommy's  head, 
for  it  was  chill  in  the  room.  Pietro  thought 
hard  of  some  other  way  of  getting  food  Tommy 
could  eat.  Some  of  the  other  women  in  the 
house  might  send  out  for  a  penny's  worth  of 
milk,  he  thought,  but  he  dreaded  to  ask  them 
then.  He  knew  they  were  all  excited  and  ex 
pectant  over  the  event  of  the  coming  of  the 
wagon,  and  would  resent  any  suggestion  of  a 
task  which  might  cause  them  to  miss  a  detail  of 
the  ceremony. 

"  After  the  wagon  has  come  and  gone,  then, 
if  the  Agent  don't  come  soon,  Til  ask,"  thought 
Pietro,  and  he  held  the  baby  closer  to  his  rough 
coat,  for  the  room  seemed  more  chill. 

211 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

Suddenly  the  court  was  alive  with  excite 
ment  as  a  swarm  of  children  poured  into  it 
through  the  passage  from  the  street*  They 
heralded  the  wagon  men,  and  the  windows  of 
the  front  and  back  tenements  were  instantly 
crowded  with  women's  heads* 

There  was  a  frantic  rush  up  the  stairs  of 
the  back  tenement  ahead  of  the  wagon  men, 
but  this  was  roughly  checked  by  the  policemen 
on  guard* 

The  wagon  had  been  delayed,  and  before 
the  men  had  gathered  up  what  they  came  for  the 
agent  arrived — the  agent  of  the  Society  which 
rescues  children  from  that  life,  when  those  who 
could  prevent  such  rescues  by  the  law  are  in 
jail  or  in  the  Morgue*  Before  the  face  of  that 
agent  the  children  fled  in  terror  and  their 
mothers  hid  them* 

44  Where  is  the  child  ?  "  the  agent  asked  as 
he  entered  the  room* 

The  women  pointed  to  Pietro,  who,  fright 
ened,  smiled,  clinging  closer  to  Tommy* 

The  agent  in  a  kindly  manner  took  the 
red  handkerchief  from  off  Tommy's  head*  He 
looked  at  the  baby,  felt  its  pulse,  placed  his 
ear  to  its  heart,  and  then  said  to  the  wagon 
men : 

44  This  goes  with  you  too*  It  is  not  a  case 
for  me*" 


212 


How  the  Other  Half  Dies. 

Pietro  felt  of  the  baby's  face,  gasped  and 
shrieked : 

''Oh,  Gesu!  Oh,  Gesu!  Poor  Towmy! 
Poor  Towmy ! "  and  the  women  wailed,  "  Oh, 
Madonna ! " 


At  L'Hotel  de  Blank* 


EW  men  now  take  their  wives,  AT 
sisters,  and  daughters  to    the  L'HOTEL 
Restaurant  de  PHotel  de  Blank,  DE  BLANK. 
although  many  did  so  ten  or 
fifteen  years  ago*    Yet  it  is  al 
ways  crowded  at  dinner-time, 
and  there  are  husbands,  bach 


elors,  and  fathers  there  dining  with  well-dressed 
women.  But  that  is  a  suggestion  of  a  social 
problem  it  would  certainly  be  hazardous  and 
probably  profitless  to  discuss*  This  is  a  simple 
story  of  a  single  incident,  without  moral  or 
problem. 

The  usual  rattle  of  lively  talk  and  noisy 
bustle  of  waiters  one  evening  there  were  sud 
denly  and  strangely  quieted,  when  a  man  of 
about  thirty-five  years  entered  with  an  elderly 
woman. 

They  looked  around  with  hesitating  inde 
cision,  until  the  head  waiter,  with  a  little  more 
than  his  usual  ceremony,  escorted  them  to  a 
central  table.  The  woman,  more  than  the 
man,  seemed  to  be  conscious  of  the  sudden 
quiet  their  entrance  had  caused,  and  she,  too, 
excited  the  greater  curiosity  among  the  crowd  of 
diners.  She  was  a  lady.  It  was  that  fact 

317 


At  L'Hotel  de  Blank. 

which  created  the  wonderment.  She  was 
richly  dressed  in  an  old-fashioned  style  that  had 
a  quaint  look  there,  and  this  quaintness  was 
greatly  emphasized  by  a  long  gray  curl  which 
hung  down  from  beneath  her  bonnet  nearly  to 
her  shoulder,  in  the  mode  of  a  generation  ago. 
The  man  was  a  gentleman,  distinction  and 
breeding  perfectly  apparent  in  him,  despite  his 
weather-beaten  face  and  hands,  and  the  evi 
dence,  in  his  dress,  of  some  Western  tailor's 
machinations. 

It  was  minutes  before  the  diners  resumed 
their  conversation,  and  even  then  the  odd  couple 
continued  to  be  the  object  of  furtive  inspection 
from  all  sides.  The  talk  went  on  in  a  lower 
tone  and  in  some  way  there  had  been  a  change 
in  the  whole  atmosphere  of  the  place. 

The  next  couple  which  entered  the  room 
created  something  of  a  sensation  too,  but  of  a 
different  and  more  familiar  kind.  They  were 
recognized  by  many  of  the  diners  as  they 
walked  straight  to  a  table  which  had  evidently 
been  reserved  for  them  in  the  rear  of  the  room, 
where  the  woman  took  her  place  with  her  back 
to  the  other  diners. 

She  was  a  handsome  girl,  with  a  rebellious 

face.     Her  costume  in  every  particular  was  in 

the  fashion,  but  noticeable  as  being  extreme  in 

those  effects  which  hint  the  fashion  of  to-mor- 

218 


At  L'Hotel  de  Blank. 

row*    As  she  passed  the  table  where  the  odd 
couple  sat  she  turned  her  head  aside  to  return 
some  greeting,  and  did  not  notice  them,  but  the 
lady  with  the  gray  curl  saw  her  and  started  so 
visibly  that  her  companion  asked : 
"  What  is  it,  mother  ?" 
She  hesitated  a  moment,  and  then  said : 
44  Why,  that  was  Mr*  Bronson  who  just 


came  in." 


'  What,  Frank  ?  "  asked  the  man  eagerly* 

He  half  rose,  with  the  evident  intention  of 
following  to  the  rear  table*  His  mother  laid  her 
hand  on  his  arm  to  detain  him,  and  as  she  did 
so  the  man  at  the  rear  table  rose,  with  a  look  of 
amazement,  and  quickly  walked  over  to  them* 
He  greeted  the  mother  with  a  deference  in  which 
there  was  a  slight  constraint,  and  then  grasped 
the  man's  hand  affectionately* 

44  Why,  my  dear  old  Jack ! "  he  exclaimed* 
44 1  thought  you  were  still  out  in  the  West  dig 
ging  gold  or  killing  Indians  or  whatever  you 
have  been  doing  these  dozen  years*  I  can 
hardly  believe  my  eyes  seeing  you  here*" 

There  was  a  slight  and  peculiar  accent  on 
the  44  here  "  which  the  speaker  seemed  to  impose 
tentatively,  but  it  carried  no  special  meaning  to 
the  man  who  heard,  for  he  responded  frankly 
and  heartily : 

"Just  got  in  an  hour  ago*  Mother  met  me 

219 


At  L'Hotel  de  Blank. 

in  Philadelphia,  where  she  was  visiting,  and,  as 
our  house  is  closed,  I  insisted  on  coming  here 
for  dinner — the  old  place,  you  know.  But 
changed  somehow,  isn't  it  ?  " 

Frank  gave  a  curious  glance  at  the  mother 
before  he  answered : 

"  I  don't  think  many  of  the  old  set  come 
here  often  now*  I  fancy  you  have  not  been 
here  for  some  time,  Mrs.  Harrison.  I  still  dine 
here  occasionally/' 

44  If  any  of  your  people  are  with  you,  we 
can  get  a  larger  table  and  dine  together,"  said 
Jack. 

44  No,  no !  No  one  you  know,  old  man. 
I'll  see  you  at  the  club  to-morrow,"  replied 
Frank  hastily,  and  bowing  again  to  Mrs.  Har 
rison,  he  returned  to  his  own  table. 

Jack  looked  at  his  mother  in  surprise. 

"That's  not  much  like  Frank,"  he  said. 
'  What  is  the  matter  ?  The  place  has 
changed." 

He  looked  about  at  the  people  more  critic 
ally  than  he  had  before. 

"Perhaps  we  should  have  gone  some 
where  else,  as  you  suggested,  mother.  But  I 
have  been  dreaming  for  a  month  of  the  dinner 
I'd  order  here.  I  used  to  amuse  myself  out 
there  with  Thompson,  my  mining  partner,  tell 
ing  him  about  this  restaurant.  By  the  way, 

320 


At  L'Hotel  de  Blank. 

mother,  you  have  said  very  little  in  your  letters 
for  a  year  about  his  daughter,  Nina*  Her 
father  is  your  devoted  slave  for  what  you  did 
for  her  when  I — that  is,  we — sent  her  to  you 
four  years  ago  to  be  put  in  school.  Was  she 
not  a  lovely  girl,  mother?  I  had  hard  work, 
after  we  '  struck  it  rich/  to  prevail  on  her  father 
to  let  her  come  here  for  some  polishing*  I  think 
he  gave  in  at  last  because  he  suspected  then 
what  I  must  tell  you  now,  mother — that  I  love 
Nina,  and  wanted  her  fitted  to  be  your  daugh 
ter*  Mother !  What  is  the  matter  ?  " 

44  Nothing,  my  boy*  It  is  close  here,  and 
I  am  excited  by  your  return,  and — and — I  think 
we  had  better  go  home,  John." 

Nearly  every  one  turned  and  looked  curi 
ously  at  the  odd  couple  as  they  left  the  restaur 
ant — he  tenderly  anxious;  she  pale  and  trem 
bling,  leaning  on  his  arm* 

"What's  the  sensation,  Frank?"  asked 
Bronson's  companion,  who  had  noticed  the  little 
commotion  but  had  not  turned  round,  for  her 
glass  was  being  filled  with  champagne  and  she 
was  waiting  impatiently  for  that* 

"Why,  it's  a  curious  story,"  exclaimed 
Bronson*  44  When  I  left  you  a  moment  ago  it 
was  to  speak  to  an  old  friend  of  mine  who  has 
just  returned  from  the  wilds,  and  the  innocent 
chap  had  brought  his  mother  here  to  dine*  His 


221 


At  L'Hotel  de  Blank. 

mother ;  think  of  it !  She  lives  down  in  this 
part  of  town — belongs  to  an  old  swell  set — but 
I  dare  say  did  not  know,  any  more  than  he,  just 
what  sort  of  gang  patronizes  this  place  now/' 

The  woman  was  looking  at  him  wickedly* 

44  Well,  just  what  sort  of  a  gang  does  pat 
ronize  this  place,  now?"  she  asked  slowly, 
in  a  voice  that  did  not  match  her  eyes. 

44  Well,  we  are  pretty  regular  customers 
ourselves,  for  instance,"  he  replied  with  a  laugh. 

44  Oh,  I  see,"  said  the  girl  '  What  is  your 
innocent  friend's  name  ?  " 

44  Jack  Harrison.  Why,  what  the  devil  is 
the  matter  with  you,  Nina  ?  " 


222 


"  Where  Sorrow  Has  Trodden/' 


HE  fellow  appeared  to  be  quietly  "WHERE 
laughing  as  he  sat  there  on  the  SORROW 
sand,  his  back  against  a  sea-  HAS 
weed-draped  rock*    As  I  had  TRODDEN. 
observed  no  one  else   about, 
and  as  the  scene  was  anything 
but  mirth-provoking,  I  looked 


around  to  see  what  it  was  that  amused  him. 
Everything  appeared  just  as  it  had  already  been 
vividly  photographed  on  my  mind — 

"By  the  sands  where  sorrow  has  trodden;  the  salt- 
pools,  bitter  and  sterile ; 

By  the  thundering  reef,  and  the  low  sea-wall,  and  the 
channel  of  years*" 

Certainly  there  was  nothing  mirth-provok 
ing  in  sight.  The  very  heavens,  low  and  gray, 
were  depressing ;  the  surf  beat  pitilessly  against 
the  black  rocks,  whose  long  tresses  of  seaweed 
swayed  mournfully  to  and  fro  with  the  waves, 
like  a  drowning  woman's  hair.  A  seabird, 
sailing  swiftly  with  the  wind,  passed  close  by 
me,  shrieking  shrilly  in  my  startled  ears. 

"Nothing,"  I  said  aloud  in  my  annoy 
ance,  "  to  make  a  person  laugh,  unless" — and  I 

225 


"Where  Sorrow  Has  Trodden." 

shuddered,  the  wind  was  so  chill — "  unless  he 
be  mad. " 

I  turned  quickly ;  perhaps  my  last  thought 
assisted  my  imagination,  for  it  now  seemed 
that  the  fellow's  eyes,  looking  straight  at  me, 
had  in  them  a  senseless  stare.  I  would  not 
have  cared  for  that  had  not  his  teeth  still  shone 
through  his  parted,  smiling  lips*  It  flashed 
across  my  mind  that  once,  while  making  some 
studies  in  insanity,  I  had  noticed  that  the  insane 
smile  with  their  lips  only — smile  with  their  lips, 
with  ready  murder  gleaming  from  their  eyes* 

I  turned  and  walked  back,  hoping  that 
when  I  again  approached  the  spot,  which  I 
wanted  to  pass,  he  would  either  have  left  it  or 
assumed  a  more  sane  expression.  I  did  not 
walk  far*  I  confess  I  was  nervous  with  my 
back  to  him;  for  I  was  alone  and  unarmed,  and 
if  he  was  indeed  mad,  he  might  treacherously 

sneak  upon  me No,  he  still  sat  there  as  I 

quickly  faced  toward  him  again*  He  had  not 
altered  his  position,  but  one  arm — the  one  to 
ward  the  water — was  swinging  lazily  as  the 
creeping  tide  timidly  lapped  it,  shrank  back,  and 
then  lapped  it  again  more  boldly* 

44  The  man  is  crazy, "  I  suddenly  exclaim 
ed,  "  and  will  sit  there  and  drown  in  the  rising 
filer* 

What  should  I  do  ? 

326 


"Where  Sorrow  Has  Trodden." 

The  shrieking  seabird  swooped  close  to 
the  madman's  head,  envious  of  the  prize  the 
tide  was  soon  to  grasp* 

"Save  yourself!"  I  shouted*  It  did  not 
move!  Horror  held  me  as  motionless*  The 
senseless  stare  was  changed  to  a  glare  of  death 
ly  determination ;  the  smile  seemed  altered  to  a 
mocking  grin*  The  swelling  water  now  sway 
ed  his  legs,  then  suddenly  his  whole  body  relax 
ed  and  sunk  a  little — submitting  without  resist 
ance  to  the  embrace  of  death* 

The  motion  startled  me  into  action*  Seiz 
ing  a  rock*  with  which*  if  he  should  struggle*  to 
stun  him  to  save  him*  I  rushed  toward  the  grin 
ning  creature* 

God! 

I  staggered  back*  shivering*  The  tide  had 
come  to  claim  its  own :  what  it  had  there  laid 
out  when  life  had  just  fled  it  now  would  bear 
off  to  bury  in  its  depths* 


227 


The  Way  K.  B.  Came  into  Camp. 


OSH !  that  was  an  awful  steep  THE 
divide  between  Gold  Hill,  Nev*,  WAY  K.  B. 
and  Downieville,  Cal*,  and  the  CAME  INTO 
stage  coaches  and  freight  teams  CAMP. 
had  tough  work  of  it  making 
the  climb,  even  when  the  road 
was  in  good  condition*    When 


the  mud  was  deep,  or  there  was  much  snow,  the 
road  was  darned  hard  going,  even  with  six 
horses  to  a  stage,  or  sixteen  to  a  freighter* 

44  It  was  one  winter's  day  when  there  was 
so  much  snow  the  stage  agent  allowed  that 
the  stage  would  not  go  out  until  the  road  had 
been  broken  by  a  freighter  or  two*  That  was 
mighty  inconvenient  for  Brown — 4  Kettlebelly/ 
we  called  him,  but  the  newspaper  fellows  up  in 
Virginia  City  called  him  4  K*  B/  so  much  in 
their  stories  he  got  to  believe  those  were  his 
initials,  although  his  baptism  name  was  Lemuel. 

44  Well,  sir,  Brown  felt  mighty  sore  about 
the  agent  refusing  to  send  out  a  stage,  because 
he  had  accepted  an  engagement  to  deal  faro  at 
Alf  Whitehead's  bank  in  Downieville,  and  on 
his  promising  to  be  there  that  very  night  Alf  s 
chief  dealer  had  arranged  to  go  to  Sacramento, 
where  he  was  to  take  charge  of  a  new  bank* 


The  Way  K.  B.  Came  Into  Camp. 

That  would  leave  Alf  without  a  dealer,  and  it 
was  pay-day*  Of  course  that  wouldn't  do,  for 
a  pretty  smooth  chap  from  the  Bay  had  just 
opened  a  bank  in  Downieville,  and  if  Alf  s  game 
closed  for  want  of  a  dealer  on  pay-day  the  new 
bank  would  get  all  the  trade,  for  a  miner  must 
play  against  the  bank  on  pay-day,  or  else  it 
don't  seem  like  pay-day  to  him* 

44  Well,  sir,  when  the  stage  agent  said  he 
would  not  buckle  up  to  swing  out,  of  course  no 
one  else  would,  for  if  the  stage  horses  couldn't 
make  the  trip  none  others  could.  Cluggage 
ran  the  line  in  those  days,  and,  Lord !  you  know 
what  kind  of  stock  he  had.  His  horses  could 
climb  a  tree  if  they  had  to,  but  the  agent  said 
he'd  be  damned  if  a  head  of  stock  left  the  barn 
that  day,  even  if  the  bonanza  kings  had  to  get 
to  Downieville,  and  he  certainly  wouldn't  tor 
Kettlebelly. 

44  A  lot  of  us  were  sitting  around  OrndorfPs 
stove — that  was  before  Jim  Orndorff  moved  up 
Slippery  Gulch  to  his  swell  place  on  C  Street  in 
Virginia  City — sitting  around  discussing  what 
K.  6.  could  do,  and  it  did  seem  like  he  couldn't 
do  anything  but  just  sit  there. 

44  After  a  while  K.  B.  got  up,  walked  to  the 

front  of  the  bar,  and  looked  up  at  the  snow  on 

the  mountain,  kind  of  savage  like,  when  he  saw 

some  miners  who  were  building  a  sheeve  with 

232 


The  Way  K.  B.  Came  Into  Camp. 

twelve  by  twelve  timber*  He  saw  that  the 
heaviest  piece  they  were  handling  didn't  go 
through  the  crust,  and  he  says : 

If  it  will  bear  that  it  will  bear  even  me* 
Fm  going  to  walk  over  the  divide!  Fm  not 
going  to  give  Alf  Whitehead  no  double  cross, 
like  refusing  the  trick*  Fll  deal  bank  in  Down- 
ieville  this  night  or  you'll  find  me  cached  in  the 
snow  up  there/ 

44  Well*  we  thought  he  must  be  crazy,  so 
we  all  took  a  drink*  but  that  didn't  seem  to  do 
him  any  good*  for  he  kept  right  on : 

44  4  It  ain't  very  far/  says  K*  B* ;  4  the  snow 
crust  will  last  all  day  if  the  sun  don't  come  out 
too  strong,  and  I  believe  I  can  turn  the  trick*' 

44  Of  course  we  all  just  naturally  took 
another  drink,  and  then  Jim  set  them  up,  and 
then  a  young  fellow  who  had  come  out  from 
Heidelburg  to  be  an  assayer  says  that  he'd 
go,  too* 

44  Then  that  settles  me,  and  I  says  I'd  go, 
too,  and  we  just  naturally  took  another  drink 
and  then  got  ready*  We  all  wrapped  gunny- 
bags  around  our  boots,  each  put  a  bottle  of 
wniskey  and  some  pipes  and  tobacco  and  crack 
ers  in  his  overcoat  pockets,  and  then,  when  we'd 
all  had  a  drink,  we  started  out* 

"It  wasn't  very  cold,  but  the  crust  was 
good  and  hard,  and  the  going  wasn't  bad,  or 

233 


The  Way  K.  B.  Came  Into  Camp. 

wouldn't  have  been  bad  if  the  hill  hadn't  been 
so  steep* 

44  We  didn't  go  round  by  the  grade,  you 
understand,  but  straight  up  the  side  of  the 
mountain,  and  the  pace  that  K*  B*  set  was 
awful,  considering  that  in  those  days  he  didn't 
weigh  an  ounce  less  than  300  pounds*  You'd 
never  know  we  were  climbing  over  rough  loose 
rocks  and  sagebrush,  for  all  these  were  buried 
out  of  sight,  and  only  the  few  digger  pines 
cropped  up  through  the  snow* 

44  My !  but  it  was  hard  work*  I  suppose 
we  hadn't  got  more  than  half  way  up  to  the 
ridge  before  that  Heidelburg  student  gave  out* 
We  tried  to  fire  him  up  with  liquor,  but  it 
just  naturally  wasn't  any  use*  He  was  a  ten 
derfoot,  and  probably  hadn't  got  accustomed  to 
the  kind  of  whiskey  we  drank  on  the  Lode  in 
those  days* 

44  4  We'll  cache  him,  then,'  said  K*  B*,  and 
he  jumped  up  in  the  air,  and  when  he  came 
down  broke  through  the  crust*  He  kind  of 
walloped  around  beneath  the  crust,  making  a 
nice  cave,  and  when  he  climbed  out  we  cached 
the  student  there,  leaving  him  some  of  our  share 
of  grub  and  tobacco,  so  he  was  quite  comfort 
able,  but  mighty  drunk* 

"Then  K*  B*  and  I  made  another  start, 
although,  seeing  how  comfortable  the  assayer 
234 


The  Way  K.  B.  Came  Into  Camp. 

was,  I  had  a  great  notion  to  stay  with  him* 
I'm  glad  I  didn't,  for  if  I  had  I'd  never  seen  the 
start  of  K*  B*'s  journey  on  the  other  side* 

"Before  we  got  to  the  ridge  I  was  just 
naturally  clean  petered  out*  K*  B*  kept  at  me 
to  brace  and  get  as  far  as  the  ridge,  for  then  I 
might  be  able  to  keep  on,  because  the  going 
would  be  easier  down-grade*  I  wasn't  any 
good  even  after  we  got  there*  I  couldn't  stand 
on  my  feet  a  minute  longer,  although  I  drank 
quite  a  considerable,  too ;  but  the  sun  was  out 
strong  then  and  the  crust  was  getting  soft* 

44  When  K*  B*  saw  that  I  was  clean  petered, 
he  says : 

44  4  All  right,  old  son,  I'll  have  to  cache  you, 
too,  for  I'm  going  on*' 

44  There  was  a  little  mound  of  snow  just 
over  the  ridge  on  the  Downieville  side,  and 
K*  B*  said  it  would  make  a  good  cave  to  cache 
me  in*  Well,  sir,  K*  B*  stood  above  it  and 
jumped  for  it,  landing  kind  of  broadside  as  he 
broke  through  the  crust,  and  then  the  darndest 
thing  happened  you  ever  heard  of*  The  crust 
around  the  edge  of  the  mound  broke  away  and 
the  mound,  with  K*  B*  plumb  inside  of  it,  top 
pled  over  and  started  down  the  side  of  the 
mountain* 

"K*  B*'s  weight  made  the  ball  so  heavy 
that  it  kept  breaking  through  the  crust, 

235 


The  Way  K.  B.  Came  Into  Camp. 

was  getting  soft,  anyhow,  and  the  ball  became 
as  big  as  a  stage  coach  in  a  minute* 

Well,  sir,  I  thought  there  wasn't  any 
more  laws  of  perspective,  for  the  ball  seemed  to 
be  as  big  when  it  was  a  mile  down  the  moun 
tain  as  it  was  when  it  started ;  but  that  was 
because  it  was  getting  bigger  as  fast  as  it  ought 
to  seem  to  grow  smaller  in  the  distance*  You 
understand/ 

44 1  could  see  the  houses  in  Downieville 
away  down  there,  and  the  snowball  with  K*  B* 
inside  making  straight  for  the  biggest  of  them, 
every  now  and  then  making  a  clean  jump  of  a 
hundred  yards  or  so  when  a  grade  steeper  than 
the  average  would  give  it  a  greater  headway, 
and  throwing  up  a  trail  of  flying  rocks  and  sage 
brush  in  a  way  you  might  not  believe  if  I  hadn't 
fortunately  been  there  to  see  it  myseE 

44  Bang !  at  last  it  struck  the  corner  of  that 
house — it  was  a  solidly  built  log  house — and 
split  clean  in  two,  and  I  could  just  see  a  black 
speck  fly  out  of  the  busted  ball  and  land  in  a 
snowdrift* 

"Alf  Whitehead  told  me  the  rest  of  the 
story  later*  He  was  standing  in  front  of  his 
place  feeling  awful  bad,  for  he  had  let  his  dealer 
go  that  morning  and  he  thought  the  Gold  Hill 
stage  wouldn't  be  over  that  day  and  there  would 
be  no  one  to  deal  faro  for  him  that  night*  He 
236 


The  Way  K.  B.  Came  Into  Camp. 

happened  to  look  up  the  divide,  and  he  saw  that 
big  snowball  come  rolling  down  the  mountain 
side  to  beat  hell,  saw  it  tearing  up  the  sage 
brush  by  the  roots,  and  was  wondering  whether 
it  would  bust  the  log  house  or  the  log  house 
would  bust  it,  when  it  struck,  split,  and  K*  B. 
came  flying  through  the  air,  and  landed  in  a 
snowdrift  right  in  front  of  his  place  as  soft  as  a 
kitten  in  a  basket* 

44  K*  B,  just  naturally  accepted  Alfs  invita 
tion  to  take  a  drink,  and  then  sent  up  an  expe 
dition  to  rescue  me,  but  I  sent  them  on  to  get 
the  assayer,  for  I  had  no  trouble  in  getting  down 
then,  K*  B/s  snowball  having  made  as  fine  a 
road  as  ever  you  walked  over  in  your  life,  not 
even  a  rock  or  sage  brush  in  it* 

44  Well,  sir,  K,  B*  dealt  in  Alfs  bank  that 
night,  and  the  new  fellow  from  the  Bay  didn't 
have  a  player,  all  the  boys  being  so  tickled  with 
the  way  JK*  B.  had  come  into  camp  that  they 
stuck  to  his  game." 


Mr.  Fannie  HallowelL 


"That  the  mark  of  rank  in  nature  is  capacity  for 
pain." 


VERY  one  knew  there  was  to  be 
no  hard  work  that  day,  for  the 
coach  would  not  take  the  chance 
of  laying  up  a  player  on  the  day 
before  the  Springfield  game. 
The  team  and  substitutes  were 
out  on  the  field  to  "  limber  up," 
and  the  work  was  nearly  as  much  to  "  jolly " 
the  eleven  as  anything  else,  and  that  was  the 
reason  Burton  was  put  in  the  sixteen  against 
them.  Nevertheless,  as  the  men  untangled 
themselves  from  a  good-natured  scrimmage, 
Hal  Burton  remained  on  the  ground,  stiff  and 
straight  on  his  back. 

No  one  knew  how  it  happened :  there  was 
a  bruise,  apparently  a  slight  one,  on  his  temple. 
"That's  just  the  way  it  goes,"  said  the 
coach.  "  Pve  known  a  man  knocked  out  for  half 
an  hour  in  a  little  light  practice  like  this  and  then 
go  through  a  murdering  game  without  being 
dazed." 

The  coach  really  didn't  feel  very  bad  about 
it,  for  Burton  was  only  an  extra  substitute ;  but 

241 


FANNIE 
HALLOWELL 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

the  players  themselves  felt  so  bad  about  it  that 
the  coach  got  Fannie  Hallowell  and  another 
man  to  take  Burton  off  the  field  in  a  carriage* 
44  Because,"  said  the  coach,  who  was  the  practi 
cal  kind  of  a  man  who  wins  football  matches, 
"  I  don't  propose  to  have  my  men's  spirits  inter 
fered  with  by  any  sympathy  nonsense  the  day 
before  the  game/' 

For  this  same  practical  reason  the  coach 
induced  Fannie  to  take  Burton  to  his  city  apart 
ments,  so  that  if  he  should  be  badly  injured  it 
need  not  be  known  that  night  at  the  college,  as 
it  would  be  if  he  went  to  his  rooms  there* 

So  it  was  nearly  an  hour  before  a  physician 
examined  the  still  unconscious  man,  and  then  a 
specialist  was  sent  for*  There  was  another  and 
a  longer  examination  with  the  room  darkened, 
and  after  that  the  specialist  said  to  the  other 
physicians:  "Ruptured  blood  vessel*  Clot 
formed  on  the  thalamus  opticus*  Total  visual 
paralysis*  Clot  may  be  absorbed  in  a  month ; 
maybe  not  for  six*  Tell  later*" 

Fannie  Hallowell  heard  this  too,  but  of 
course  he  did  not  understand,  and  he  asked  the 
specialist  what  was  the  matter  with  Hal*  The 
specialist,  who  was  drawing  on  his  gloves,  and 
appeared  to  be  in  a  hurry,  explained  briefly,  in 
lay  language : 

44  He's  blind,"  was  all  he  said. 
242 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

The  coach  was  the  only  one  at  the  college 
who  heard  of  this  before  the  train  started  for 
Springfield,  and  he  thanked  heaven  that  that  was 
so,  for  he  knew  it  would  take  some,  if  not  all,  the 
ginger  out  of  the  players,  and  utterly  ruin  the 
cheering  on  their  side  of  the  grounds  if  it  were 
known  that  Burton,  "  the  most  popular  man  in 
college,"  had  been  so  badly  injured* 

Burton  was  popular  with  cliques  for  special 
things:  the  musical  men,  for  example,  could 
always  command  his  big,  sympathetic  voice; 
the  men  who  looked  after  various  college  sub 
scriptions  could  at  any  time  call  on  him  for  any 
deficit,  but  with  all  men,  in  or  out  of  sets,  it  was 
his  unbounded,  uninterrupted,  manly  good-nature 
that  insured  his  popularity*  Yet  only  one 
man  sat  by  his  side  on  the  day  of  the  game — 
Fannie  Hallowell,  christened  "Francis."  He 
had  been  nicknamed  "  Fannie  "  at  his  first  school, 
and  the  name  stuck  to  him  through  life.  He 
was  a  townsman  of  Burton's.  It  used  to  be 
said  at  college  that  if  Fannie  had  physique  he 
would  have  been  athletic ;  if  rich,  tough ;  if  poor, 
a  grind.  I  doubt  that.  It  was  his  temperament, 
I  believe,  not  his  circumstances  which  made 
Fannie  what  he  was  as  a  college  man.  Although 
he  had  more  to  do  with  the  literary  set  than  any 
other,  he  was  anything  but  a  grind.  He  knew 
more,  I  mean  in  the  literary  course  he  took,  be- 

243 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

fore  he  entered  college  than  most  men  when 
they  leave*  Yet  he  would  cram  out  of  his  course 
with  some  special  just  to  save  the  special  from 
flunking  on  his  finals.  Fannie  and  Burton  were 
not  chums  at  college,  for  Fannie's  allowance 
was  so  small  he  could  not  have  kept  pace  with 
Burton  had  he  been  so  inclined.  Twenty  men 
were  more  intimate  with  Burton :  he  had  done 
more  favors  for  a  hundred* 

The  day  after  the  game  scores  of  men  called 
to  make  inquiries  for  the  injured  man ;  the  next 
day  a  dozen;  a  week  later,  none;  but  Fannie 
stayed  there  constantly  with  the  doctor  and  the 
nurse.  When  the  doctors  at  last  announced  that 
Hal's  eyesight  was  not  endangered,  if  he  were 
properly  nursed,  Fannie  reported  it  in  a  quieting 
letter  to  Mrs.  Burton,  Hal's  widowed  mother, 
living  in  Paris.  Then  Fannie  got  a  letter  from 
home.  He  gasped  a  little  when  he  read  it,  but 
his  only  comment  was  "  Poor  old  dad/'  although 
the  letter  was  not  written  so  much  to  tell  him  of 
his  father's  bankruptcy  as  to  inform  him  that 
all  allowances  would  stop.  Fannie  did  not  go 
home,  for  the  doctor  told  him  that  Burton  needed 
to  be  kept  from  fretting,  to  be  entertained.  In  a 
month,  if  there  were  no  complications,  he  could 
travel ;  in  six  months  see  well — perhaps. 

Fannie  was  sitting  by  Hal's  bed  when  the 
specialist  said  this,  and  when  the  man  of  science 
244 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

had  gone  and  Fannie  saw  that  big,  world-loving, 
active  Burton  was  crying  quietly,  he  concluded 
to  remain  by  his  side,  and  only  shrugged  his 
shoulders  in  answer  when  he  asked  himself  how 
he  was  going  to  do  that  on  nothing  a  year. 

Three  weeks  later  Hal  received  a  visit  from 
his  cousin  and  classmate,  Jack  Morgan.  This 
taciturn  young  man  belonged  to  a  sporting  set, 
and  was  accustomed  to  discuss  the  merits  of  a 
dog  or  a  horse  in  syncopated  monosyllables,  and 
discuss  anything  else  not  much  at  all.  Jack  in 
timated  to  Fannie  that  he  had  some  family 
affairs  to  discuss  with  his  cousin,  and  the  neces 
sity  of  saying  even  this  cost  him  such  a  vast 
mental  effort  mat  he  was  in  a  nervous  state  when 
Fannie  left  the  room.  Then  he  blurted  out, 
44  Say,  what's  the  matter  with  you,  Hal  ?  " 

"Matter  with  me?" 

"Yes,  what  are  you  doing  for  Fannie?" 

44  Well,  Jack,  what  the  devil  is  the  matter 
with  you?" 

"Tell  you  all  about  it,"  said  young  Mr. 
Morgan,  relieved  to  find  so  prompt  an  opening 
for  the  business  of  his  errand.  "Couple  weeks 
go  saw  man  taking  Fannie's  books  away.  Asked 
what  for.  Orders  from  Mr.  Hallowell  sell 
books,  says  man.  And  remit,  says  man.  Then 
heard  fellows  say  Fannie's  governor  broke. 
Then  heard  lot  more  talk;  then  got  idea.  Came 

245 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

here*  Inquired*  Fannie  living  beastly  little 
room.  Not  eating  enough  to  keep  fit*  Doctor 
tells  me  you  might  died  or  gone  blind  all  your 
life  if  hadn't  been  for  Fannie*  I  find  him  starv 
ing*  What's  matter  with  you  ?  " 

This  was  the  longest  speech  of  Jack  Mor 
gan's  life*  and  its  effect  warranted  its  length* 
Burton  cursed  himself  for  a  brute  and  Jack  for 
an  ass  for  not  finding  all  this  out  sooner*  "  And 
poor  Fannie/' he  exclaimed*  "he  has  made  these 
weeks  I  thought  would  kill  me  almost  happy* 
with  books*  papers*  his  guitar,  reading  me  your 

letters " 

44  My  letters  ! "  Jack  gasped* 
44  Yes*  your  letters  and  all  the  boys*" 
44  Never  wrote  you  letters/'  Jack  declared* 
44  Don't  believe  anybody  wrote*    No  one  writes 
letters — except  home  for  money*    Fannie  faked 
the  letters*" 

The  cousins  remained  in  consultation  some 
time  before  they  sent  for  Fannie,  and  when  he 
came  in  Burton  said*  "Fannie*  old  man*  you 
know  the  doctor  said  we  could  travel  in  a  week* 
I'll  have  lots  of  things  to  attend  to  for  my  mother* 
Business  letters*  you  know*  and  that  sort  of 
thing*  I  can't  have  a  stranger  reading  my 
mother's  letters*  and  Jack  was  saying  we  might 
induce  you  to  come  along*  You  go  downtown 
with  Jack  and  he'll  arrange  about  your  drawing 
246 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

money  for  me*  And  say,  Fannie,  get  a  lot  of 
money  from  the  bank  to-day,  for  there  must  be 
a  stack  of  bills  to  pay  here,  and  you  must  have 
a  lot  for  our  expenses  and  that  sort  of  thing." 

44  Got  to  put  up  forfeit  money  on  you,  Fan 
nie,  or  you  may  not  show  up  at  the  post, "  said 
Jack.  He  repeated  that  remark  twenty  times  to 
his  chums  that  night,  thus  fixing  his  reputation 
for  being  a  monstrous  clever  man* 


Four  months  later  Mr.  Harry  Burton  and 
Mr.  Francis  Hallowell  were  on  the  Pacific  Mail 
steamship  wharf  in  San  Francisco,  making  a 
fairly  good  football  wedge  through  the  crowd 
to  the  gangplank  of  the  steamer  about  to  sail 
to  the  Sandwich  Islands.  Fannie  was  in  the 
lead,  and  Burton,  wearing  dark  glasses,  rested 
his  hand  on  Fannie's  shoulder.  This  was 
from  habit,  for  he  could  see  well  enough  now  to 
go  about  alone  safely,  and  he  was  using  his 
arm  to  help  buck  Fannie  through  the  crowd. 
Suddenly  Fannie  came  to  a  short  stop  and 
whispered : 

44  Heavens,  what  a  beauty ! " 

An  Italian,  middle-aged,  with  gray  hair 
and  mustache;  an  elderly  lady;  a  tall,  straight, 
dark  girl,  and  a  shorter  and  darker  woman 
were  in  grievous  distress  through  the  efforts 

247 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

of  a  hackman,  a  baggageman,  an  express 
man,  and  a  steamer  steward  to  complicate 
a  matter  concerning  freights  and  fares*  A  babel 
of  tongues  was  attracting  the  rather  impolite  at 
tention  of  the  crowd*  The  gentleman  and  the 
elderly  lady  spoke  Italian ;  the  young  lady  Eng 
lish,  and  the  servant,  for  such  the  other  woman 
was,  a  language  none  but  her  companions  un 
derstood*  Fannie  forced  his  way  to  the  Ital 
ian's  side  and  asked,  "Are  you  going  to  the 
steamer,  sir  ?  " 

44  Yes,  if  it  is  possible  to  settle  all  this  con 
fusion,  "  answered  the  Italian,  smiling,  but  evi 
dently  distressed* 

"Steward,"  said  Fannie  sharply,  "take 
these  ladies  to  their  staterooms*  You  go  with 
them,  Hal*"  He  promptly  mitigated  the  Ital 
ian's  other  troubles  in  a  manner  which  excited 
the  admiration  of  the  hackman  and  the  express 
man,  in  spite  of  their  charges  having  been  cut  in 
two  by  him* 

The  steamer  had  passed  outside  the  Gold 
en  Gate  before  the  Italian  had  ceased  his  ex 
pressions  of  gratitude  for  Mr*  HallowelPs  in 
comparable  services,  which  would  remain 
uppermost  and  ever  fresh  in  his  mind  so  long 
as  gracious  heaven  permitted  him  life  and  the 
capacity  for  gratitude* 

"If  you  had  saved  his  life,  Fannie,  he 
248 


Mr.  Fannie  HallowelL 

could  not  have  said  *  grazie  *  more  times  in  a 
minute,"  Burton  remarked  when  they  were 
alone*  "And  your  boldness!  Think  of  our 
Fannie  coming  out  strong  as  the  queller  of 
water-front  bandits*" 

"  If  you  could  see  that  girl's  face,  Hal,  you 
would  not  be  surprised  if  I  had  quelled  lions  and 
tigers  for  her* " 

44 1  could  not  see  it  very  well*  Dark  and 
rather  long*  isn't  it  ?  " 

"Dark*  yes;  not  long*  rather  short — no, 
— oh,  I  saw  nothing  but  eyes — yes,  and 
teeth!" 

44  Fannie,  you  shock  me,"  Burton  exclaim 
ed  with  much  gravity*  "This  is  not  quite 
proper ;  you  are  in  a  frenzy*  You  need  a  long 
cooling  drink, — and  so  do  I*" 

When  the  Italian  had  acknowledged  Fan- 
nie's  services  he  had  introduced  himself  and  the 
ladies  of  his  party ;  himself,  as  Signer  Cicogna ; 
the  girl  as  his  daughter,  and  the  other  lady  as 
Signora  Aldobrandi,  his  sister*  It  was  hours 
after  that  Burton  said,  apropos  of  nothing, 
"What  sort  of  a  name  was  that  the  Signer 
called  his  daughter  ?  " 

"Kah-lay-poo-oo-ah*  It  is  Hawaiian,  and 
it  means  wreath  of  bursting  flowers,  and  is 
spelled  Ka-lei-puua,"  answered  Fannie  promptly* 

"  Bless  us !  where  did  you  get  it  ?  " 

249 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

"From  the  maid*  That  dark  woman  is 
the  girl's  maid,  and  is  Hawaiian. " 

Three  days  out  it  was  warm  and  calm* 
This  had  the  happy  effect  of  restoring  the  Si- 
gnor  to  deck,  and  on  his  first  appearance  he  ap 
proached  the  Americans  and  inquired  if  he  had 
the  honor,  in  meeting  Mr*  Burton,  to  make  the 
acquaintance  of  the  son  of  the  distinguished 
Mrs*  Morgan-Burton,  of  Paris* 

When  Hal  assured  him  that  such  was  the 
fact,  the  Italian  evinced  an  embarrassing  desire 
to  embrace  his  young  friend*  He  explained: 
Another  sister  of  the  Signor,  residing  in  Rome, 
where  his  daughter  and  Signora  Aldobrandi 
had  been,  had  had  the  honor  of  entertaining 
there  her  dear  friend,  Mrs*  Morgan-Burton,  and 
the  latter  lady  had  entertained  his  daughter  in 
Paris,  when  she  had  gone  there  to  see  the  gal 
leries*  Entertain  her!  did  he  say?  Had  given 
his  beloved  child  a  home.  The  Signora  Mor 
gan-Burton  was  most  kind  and  hospitable ;  was 
of  herself  most  distinguished;  her  wit,  the  de 
light  of  poets  !  her  beauty,  the  despair  of  artists ! 
The  Signor  himself  was  her  most  devoted  and 
unworthy  admirer ! 

All  this  the  Signor  said  with  elaborate 
earnestness,  adding  that  his  daughter,  who 
adored  the  Signora  Morgan-Burton,  had  guess 
ed  the  relationship  when  she  had  heard  oignor 
250 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

Burton's  name,  and  had  noticed  his  affliction — 
the  Signer  touched  his  own  eyes  and  looked 
unutterable  woe  and  sympathy — of  which  she 
had  heard  his  distinguished  mother  speak* 

This  resulted,  quite  naturally,  in  the 
Americans  accepting  Signor  Cicogna's  invitation 
to  them  to  become  his  guests  at  once,  at  his 
place  on  the  beach  of  Waikiki*  Lei-Mokilana, 
the  maid,  began  talking  with  great  industry  and 
excitement  to  her  friends  on  shore  soon  after  the 
steamer  had  rounded  Diamond  Head*  The  fact 
that  it  was  some  hours  before  her  voice  could 
reach  the  waiting  crowd  at  Honolulu  landing 
seemed  only  to  add  to  her  excitement,  and  in  no 
wise  lessen  her  enthusiasm* 

44 1  wish  you  could  see  them,  Hal, "  Fannie 
exclaimed  when  they  at  last  reached  the  wharf* 
44  Lei-Mofcilana  is  rubbing  noses  with  something 
less  than  a  million  natives,  and  Miss  Cicogna  is 
beingburied  in  flowers*" 

i  his  about  the  flowers  was  literally  true* 
As  Ka-lei-puua  and  her  aunt  entered  an  open 
carriage  on  the  wharf,  the  maid  ceased  rubbing 
noses  and  gave  a  signal  cry  which  brought 
out  from  behind  piles  of  bags  of  sugar  a  swarm 
of  native  girls,  each  burdened  with  wreaths  of 
flowers,  which  were  thrown  over  Ka-lei-puua 
until  she  and  her  aunt  really  were  nearly  con 
cealed  by  the  leis*  Even  then  there  were 

251 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

enough  of  the  leis  left  for  the  hats  and  shoulders 
of  the  men*  After  this  welcome  the  party 
drove  through  the  sleepy  town,  through  the 
suburbs,  on  a  road  bordered  with  parks  and 
gardens,  some  of  which  were  aflame  with  tropi 
cal  flowers,  some  dense  and  dark  and  mysterious 
with  a  luxuriance  of  the  royal  and  a  dozen  other 
kinds  of  palms,  with  now  and  then  an  open 
space  through  which  on  one  side  the  smiling 
South  Sea  reached  away  forever,  or,  on  the 
other,  the  sombre  green  mountains  rested  the 
eyes  and  cooled  the  air;  through  cocoanut 
groves ;  through  strips  of  white  sand  bordering 
slips  of  lagoons  in  which  women  bathed  ana 
children  played ;  thus  out  to  Waikiki.  That 
Waikiki  you  call  Y-kee-kee,  and  it  means  laugh 
ing  water,  or  smiling  water,  or  shining  water, 
or  something  pretty  of  the  kind*  There,  in  a  clus 
ter  of  cottages,  the  Signor  and  his  family  lived 
when  not  on  his  plantation,  on  another  island. 
A  swarm  of  chattering  servants  greeted  them 
there,  and  one,  the  proud  possessor  of  three 
phrases  supposed  by  him  to  be  English,  was 
assigned  to  the  Americans,  and  took  them  to 
their  cottage. 

Cicogna,  a  planter,  had  married  a  native 

princess  not  of  the  reigning  family,  who  died 

when  Ka-lei-puua  was  very  young,  and  then 

his  sister  had  come  from  Italy  to  rear  this  plant- 

252 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

er's  child*  She  had,  after  many  years,  induced 
her  brother  to  let  her  take  Ka-lei-puua  "  home  " 
with  her  for  a  finish  to  her  education.  Three 
years,  Signora  Aldobrandi  had  gravely  decided, 
would  be  required  for  this  finishing,  and  they 
had  been  away  from  the  Island  just  eight  months. 
The  steamer  following  the  one  on  which 
they  had  departed  bore  the  planter's  prayers, 
entreaties,  and  commands  for  the  immediate  re 
turn  of  his  daughter,  and  the  next  steamer  bore 
him. 

Ah!  but  those  Hawaiians,  native  and 
adoptive,  are  graceful  at  the  task,  not  difficult  to 
them,  however,  of  doing  nothing;  and  you 
would  be  amazed,  my  dear  sir,  in  spite  of  your 
nine  hours'  daily  business  serfdom  here,  to  find 
how  quickly  and  easily  you  can  learn  to  do 
that  same  nothing  always  when  you  are  on  the 
beach  at  Waikiki.  Those  open-sided  summer 
houses,  which  they  call  lanai,  are  a  special  in 
centive  to  doing  nothing.  One  afternoon  in  the 
Cicogna  lanai  Fannie,  who  had  been  idly  strum 
ming  chords  on  a  guitar,  began  singing  a  popu 
lar  native  air.  At  the  refrain  of  the  first  verse, 
Cicogna  and  his  sister  looked  up  in  amusement, 
and  Ka-lei-puua  laughed  delightedly.  A  dozen 
natives  left  off  doing  nothing  on  the  beach  to 
lounge  about  the  lanai  railing.  They  shouted 
with  joy  at  Fannie's  verses,  and  at  the  end  of 

253 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

the  song  you  would  believe  they  were  in  a  near 
approach  to  hysterics*  This  was  partly  be 
cause  they  had  had  nothing  to  be  excited  over 
since  one  of  them  had  capsized  his  canoe  on  the 
reef — but  that  was  nearly  an  hour  ago — and 
partly  because  the  refrain  to  the  verses  sung 
was  composed  of  Kai-lei-puua's  native  names* 

"What  is  it,  Fannie?"  Burton  asked,  not 
understanding  the  applause  both  in  and  out  of 
the  lanai* 

Fannie  explained* 

44  Are  they  all  Miss  Ka-lei-puua's  names  ?  " 
exclaimed  Burton* 

44  Only  the  native  ones ;  I  have  as  many 
more  Italian,"  the  girl  said,  laughing* 

44  Say  them  slowly — the  Hawaiian  ones," 
Hal  begged* 

44 1  cannot,  and  skip  the  Italian*  It  would 
be  like  saying  every  other  letter  of  the  alphabet* 
Mr.  Hallowell  has  written  them  down,  with  the 
meanings,"  Ka-lei-puua  said* 

44  Oh,  you  gave  them  to  Fannie  and  refuse 
them  to  me  ? "  this  from  Burton  in  mock  de 
spair*  But  the  girl  answered  quickly,  and 
earnestly,  "Aunt  Caro  gave  them  to  Mr* 
Hallowell*" 

44  Then  you  meant  that  I  should  have  them 
too,  did  you  not,  signora  ?  "  asked  Hal* 

44  Mr*  Hallowell  may  read  them  to  you,  if 
254 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

you  promise  not  to  make  them  into  a  song,"  the 
signora  said,  with  the  older  woman's  apprecia 
tion  of  Burton's  pretended  dismay* 

Fannie  read:  " Ka-lei-puua,  wreath  of 
bursting  flowers ;  Ka-lani-uliuli,  blue  heavens ; 
Mauna-ka-wai,  bird  of  the  sea ;  Maka-aka-aka, 
laughing  eyes ;  Kanani,  the  beautiful/'  When 
he  finished  he  turned  to  his  friend  and  demanded 
with  pedagogic  seriousness,  "  Master  Burton 
will  please  rise  and  recite  Miss  Ka-lei-puua's 
native  names  and  the  definitions/' 

Hal  tried  and  failed,  and  as  Ka-lei-puua's 
maid  was  interpreting  the  whole  scene,  the 
natives  were  again  in  a  frenzy  of  guttural  joy* 

"The  boys  want  you  to  sing  the  verses 
once  more,"  Ka-lei-puua  said  to  Fannie,  "  boy  " 
being  the  generic  name  for  a  native  male  servant, 
though  he  may  also  be  a  grandfather*  As  Fannie 
began  Burton  strolled  down  to  the  bathhouses 
and  the  eyes  of  most  of  the  people  followed  him* 
When  he  left  his  dressing  room,  and  entered  the 
water  carrying  a  surf  board,  the  natives  ran 
down  to  the  beach  and  soon  Ka-lei-puua  and  her 
father  followed*  In  the  two  weeks  they  had 
been  at  Waikiki  Hal  had  made  great  progress  in 
the  native  sports,  and  already  rode  a  board  on 
the  surf  of  the  inside  coral  reef  very  well*  He 
was  seen  now  to  be  making  his  way  out  to  the 
breakers  of  the  outside  reef,  and  Signor  Cicogna 

255 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

ordered  a  native  expert  to  follow  him*  Fannie 
laid  down  his  guitar,  his  song  half  finished,  and 
went  to  the  beach,  too* 

44  It  was  his  one  success,"  the  old  signora 
said,  a  little  sadly,  as  she  watched  Fannie, 44  and 
the  others  should  not  have  spoiled  it*" 

The  native  surf  rider,  also  carrying  the 
long  cigar-shaped  board  on  which  the  natives  do 
their  marvellous  surf  riding,  overtook  Burton, 
and  they  waited  together  for  a  roller  which 
promised  a  good  ride  in*  The  native  at  last 
signalled,  and  they  both  made  a  fair  mount  on 
their  boards  and  came  rushing  in,  lying  flat  on 
the  shoreward  face  of  the  roller*  The  native 
suddenly  stood  erect  on  his  board,  and  Burton 
tried  the  same  difficult  feat*  It  was  too  late,  for 
the  roller  began  to  comb,  and  as  it  broke  Hal 
and  the  board  were  tumbled  over  and  over  in 
the  surf*  There  was  a  shout  of  44  Awea  Ka 
mefca  ai ! "  from  shore  as  Burton,  laughing  and 
choking,  was  helped  out  of  the  surf  by  the 
native*  He  stumbled  and  scrambled  to  the 
beach,  stood  still  for  one  startled  moment,  tossed 
his  head  like  a  deer,  and  made  a  wild  rush  at 
Fannie,  taking  him  in  his  arms  and  swinging 
him  off  his  feet* 

"Fannie!     Fannie!"    he   shouted,   "the 
breakers  tore  the  glasses  off  and  I  can  see !    See 
as  well  as  ever ! " 
256 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

44 1  have  another  pair  for  you  and  I  will  get 
them,"  Fannie  said  when  he  recovered  his  feet 
and  his  breath* 

44  And  Fll  throw  them  in  the  ocean  !  The 
six  months  would  be  up  in  two  weeks*  It  is  all 
right,  anyhow*  The  light  does  not  hurt  my 
eyes  I  Oh,  but  it's  good  not  to  look  through  a 
cloud ! " 

He  was  wild  with  excitement*  44 1  can  see 
— see  your  eyes!"  and  he  suddenly  grasped 
Ka-lei-puua's  hands* 

The  girl  blushed,  and  then  he  turned  to 
the  signora*  "And  your  lovely  face,  Aunt 
Caro*  I  thought  it  would  be  fine*  And  you, 
signer!  Oh,  but  it  is  glorious,  everything! 
Fannie!" 

He  had  Fannie  in  his  wet  arms  again, 
whirling  him  in  a  mad  dance  on  the  beach* 

There  was  no  resisting  his  enthusiasm* 
The  natives  understood  that  a  miracle  had  been 
performed,  and  were  singing,  dancing,  laughing, 
and  weeping  from  excitement*  The  signora 
forgave  even  the  "Aunt  Caro,"  and  agreed 
with  her  brother,  who  declared  that  the  occasion 
could  only  be  fittingly  celebrated  by  a  luau  that 
night* 

It  is  as  amazing  as  it  is  charming  the 
number  of  things  which  happen  in  the  Sand 
wich  Islands  which  can  only  be  fittingly 

257 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

celebrated  by  a  luau — a  feast  and  dancing*  At 
least  it  was  so  when  the  people  down  there  still 
enjoyed  life — before  they  took  to  politics*  I  do 
not  know  how  it  is  now  that  they  have  politics 
and  factions  and  politicians  and  the  other  im 
provements  of  civilization  which  pester  a  people 
and  make  life  not  worth  living*  Why*  one  of 
the  guests  of  that  evening  was  the  Princess 

L *  She  contributed  a  band  of  hulu-hulu 

girls  to  the  entertainment*  and  now  the  mis 
guided  woman*  because  she  would  go  in  for 
politics  instead  of  pleasure,  has  gone  as  far  as 
jail*  I  believe* 

In  the  lanai,  where  the  feast  for  the  guests 
was  spread*  there  was  light  from  a  profusion  of 
lanterns*  but  the  servants  and  their  friends  ate 
on  the  lawn*  by  the  moonlight  only* 

When  the  hulu-hulu  girls  came  into  the 
lanai  and  began  dancing*  the  Americans  received 
one  of  the  severe  shocks  of  their  lives*  Ka- 
lei-puua  was  seated  at  the  feet  of  the  Princess 
and  both  ladies  regarded  the  dance  with  frank 
enjoyment* 

The  girl  dancers  wear  only  one  garment* 
which  does  not  conform  identically  with  the 
outline  of  their  bodies :  a  fluffy  affair  made  of 
leaves  which  hangs  from  their  waists  and  ends 
at  their  thighs*  Its  result*  and  probably  its 
intent,  is  to  exaggerate  the  size  of  their  hips 
258 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

and  thighs,  for  the  dance  chiefly  consists  in 
movements  of  those  portions  of  the  body,  which 
prove  an  amazing  possibility  of  their  action, 
unrelated  to  the  body  above  and  below*  A 
dancer  begins  her  performance  standing  motion 
less  and  with  her  arms  held  rigidly  at  length 
before  her*  She  remains  so  wMe  several  bars 
of  music  are  slowly  sung  and  played,  but  as  the 
music  quickens  her  arms  relax  and  begin  a  slow, 
graceful,  weaving  motion*  The  musicians  hurry 
their  cadence  and  the  dancer's  hips  and  thighs  take 
up  the  motion*  After  that  she  leads  the  music, 
which  now  becomes  an  accompaniment,  not  a 
direction*  For  several  minutes,  perhaps,  the 
dancer's  feet  have  not  left  the  ground,  but  after 
that  she  begins  to  move  them  slowly  and  almost 

K Singly,  and  without  altering  her  position* 
ter  she  may  address  her  dance  especially  to 
some  musician  or  to  some  spectator,  and  will 
then  slowly  and  appealingly  move  toward  the 
object  of  her  attention*  Her  arms,  hips,  and 
thighs  are  the  chief  mediums  for  the  expression 
of  the  meaning  of  the  dance,  and  their  move 
ments  become  faster,  freer,  wilder,  until  the 
dancer  stops  from  exhaustion* 

44  It  is  awful/'  Fannie  gasped,  turning  from 
the  dancers  toward  the  signora* 

"It  is  a  question  of  inherited  taste  and 
early  training,"  answered  that  lady  with  no 

259 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

evidence  of  compunction.  "  Ka-lei-puua  nearly 
died  of  shame  before  the  nude  statues  in  the 
galleries  of  Rome  and  Paris.  To  her  this  is 
innocent — she  is  ignorant" 

"But  the  signor — does  he  not  object?" 
asked  Burton. 

44  If  he  objected  to  an  amusement  other  girls 
of  Ka-lei-puua's  station  are  permitted,"  answered 
the  signora,  "he  would  do  more  harm  than 
good — he  would  suggest  the  evil  she  does  not 
now  see." 

The  Americans  slipped  from  the  lanai  and 
strolled  down  to  the  beach. 

44  Is  she  not  as  beautiful  as  I  said  ?  "  Fannie 
asked  after  they  had  walked  some  time  in 
silence. 

44  As  beautiful !  As  if  any  language  of  man 
could  describe  her  beauty.  Her  face  is  as  beau 
tiful  as — as  her  voice!  My  dear  boy,  how  could 
you  have  seen  her  all  these  weeks  and  not  have 
fallen  in  love  with  her  ?  "  Burton  asked. 

Fannie  turned  his  back  to  the  sea  breeze  to 
light  a  cigar  before  he  asked, "  Would  it  be  easy 
to  fall  in  love  with  her,  Hal  ?  " 

44  Easy  ?  You  are  a  cold-blooded  monster, 
Fannie,  that  you  have  not  found  it  impossible 
not  to." 

Later  the  guests  danced,  and  Fannie,  with 
his  guitar,  joined  some  high-caste  native  young 
260 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

men,  who  volunteered  the  music*  After  Ka- 
lei-puua  had  waltzed  with  Burton,  an  experi 
ence,  by  the  way,  which  first  taught  him  all 
that  a  waltz  can  be,  she  went  to  Fannie  and 
said,  "  Mr.  Burton  dances  too  well  to  take  him 
away  from  here ;  will  you  not  take  me  to  the 
beach,  where  it  is  cooler  ?  " 

Fannie  thought  she  was  almost  affection 
ate  ;  she  was  certainly  sympathetic  and  kind  as 
they  walked  up  and  down  the  hard,  smooth 
sand*  She  knew  a  great  deal  about  music  and 
a  little — a  very  little — about  books.  On  these 
subjects  Fannie  could  be  eloquent.  He  was. 
He  felt  that  he  had  never  talked  better  in  his  life 
than  at  the  very  moment  Burton  came  running 
and  shouting,  "  Your  aunt  says  we  may  have  a 
moonlight  surf  party,  and  you'll  go  in,  won't 
you,  Miss  Ka-lei-puua  ?  " 

"Yes,"  she  said,  turning  from  Dante  with 
out  a  struggle  or  an  excuse. 

Burton  was  in  a  great  gale  of  spirits.  "  Come 
along,  Fannie,  old  man,  you  go  in,  too.  What  ? 
Well,  what  if  you  can't  swim?  You  can  paddle 
about  on  the  inside  reef.  We  will  go  to  the 
outside  reef,  Miss  Ka-lei-puua.  You  are  not 
afraid  to  go  out  there  alone  with  me,  now  that  I 
see  again,  are  you  ?  " 

"No,"  answered  the  girl,  softly,  looking 
out  on  the  water.  She  put  her  hand  on  Bur- 

261 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

ton's  arm  unconsciously  for  an  instant,  and 
then  ran  back  to  the  cottages. 

Fannie  sat  on  the  beach  with  the  signor 
and  signora,  watching  the  bathers  going  into 
the  surf,  which,  even  at  night,  was  a  warm 
caress* 

"Is  not  that  Ka-lei-puua  going  to  the  out 
side  reef?"  asked  the  signora,  straining  her 
eyes  anxiously  through  the  silver  sheen  over  the 
water. 

"She  is  with  Mr.  Burton,"  answered  her 
brother  comfortably,  "and  he  is  very  power 
ful." 

Two  or  three  days  later  the  party  embarked 
on  the  little  inter-island  steamer  for  the  Cicogna 
plantation  on  the  Island  of  Hawaii:  sugar  plan 
tation  on  the  lowlands,  and  cattle  ranges  where 
the  Cicogna  estate  ran  far  up  the  green  flanks 
of  lofty  Mauna  Loa. 

At  the  plantation  the  character  of  life  was 
much  more  native  than  at  Honolulu.  Not  less 
luxurious — perhaps  more  so ;  but  with  less  than 
a  dozen  foreigners  in  a  community  of  two  or 
three  hundred  people,  the  native  element  more 
affected  the  manner  of  living.  Both  Ka-lei-puua 
and  her  aunt  wore  the  native  dress  there,  the 
flowing  holoku,  most  of  the  time,  and  leis  of 
flowers  always. 

It  was  the  morning  of  a  boar-shooting  ex- 
262 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

[ition  Ka-lei-puua  first  rode  with  the  men* 
She  appeared,  as  they  were  mounting,  in  a  wide 
skirted  habit  and  carrying  in  her  hands  two  leis* 
One  was  all  of  gardenias,  which  both  of  the 
Americans  raved  about  extravagantly*  She 
regarded  the  men  smilingly  a  moment,  and  then 
threw  the  gardenias  around  Fannie's  neck* 
Then  she  mounted,  astride,  the  best  horse  in  the 
corral*  She  called  to  her  maid  and  they  spurred 
ahead*  Burton  followed,  but  only  overtook  them 
when  they  had  pulled  up  after  a  hot  mile*  "  First 
you  give  Fannie  the  gardenia  lei,  then  you  ride 
away  from  me,"  he  complained  as  he  reached 
her  side* 

44  Did  you  care  for  the  gardenia  lei  ?  "  she 
asked  quite  seriously,  for  sophistry  is  unknown 
of  the  women  of  Hawaii* 

"I  care  for  the  first  choice,"  Burton  pouted. 

"If  you  really  cared,  F1I  do  you  a  greater 
favor*  Fll  let  you  ride  Caesar  as  far  as  we  go*" 
They  dismounted,  and  as  Burton  was  readjust 
ing  the  stirrups,  she  said, 44  Caesar  is  faster  than 
your  horse*  I  cannot  ride  away  from  you 


now*" 


When  Ka-lei-puua  turned  back  Fannie 
turned  back  with  her*  He  did  not  shoot,  and 
was  not  certain  about  the  rough  riding  the  men 
would  have  over  fallen  fern  trees  and  boar 
hollow*  Ka-lei-puua  listened  attentively  to  him 

263 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 


as  they  jogged  homeward,  for  he  was  again 
talking  well — about  books* 


They  went  to  the  volcano  by  the  bridle- 
trail  from  Hilo*  for  the  easier  stage  road  from  the 
other  side  of  the  Island  was  not  yet  finished*  A 
native  servant  accompanied  each  member  of  the 
party*  Fannie's  servant*  Paula*  was  a  mission 
ary  product  as  to  his  civilization  and  proficiency 
in  English*  When  they  went  down  into  the 
crater  he  disclosed  the  depth  of  his  applied  Chris 
tianity  by  tossing;  a  piece  of  silver  and  a  plug  of 
tobacco  into  a  late  of  fire*  as  an  offering  to  the 
volcano  goddess*  Pele*  They  left  the  Volcano 
House  late  in  the  afternoon*  as  they  had  de 
termined  to  see  Halemaumau — the  Lake  of  Ever 
lasting  Fire — by  night* 

Burton  and  Fannie  assisted  Signora  Aldo- 
brandi  down  the  steep  descent  into  the  crater 
and  over  the  rough  crater  floor*  where  lava  is 
piled  as  are  cakes  of  ice  on  the  shore  of  a  lake 
after  a  winter's  storm*  Passing  the  little  lake 
they  reached  at  dusk  the  rough  banks  of  Hale 
maumau*  where  the  floor  of  lava  has  fallen  in* 
showing  the  restless,  surging*  everlasting  fire* 
and  there  they  waited  for  darkness*  Then  it 
was  that  Paula  went  a  little  aside  and  made  his 
364 


Mr.  Fannie  Hallowell. 

pious  sacrifice  to  Pele,  and  Fannie  happened  to  be 
watching  him« 

The  lake  at  short  regular  intervals  was 
coated  with  a  black  gleaming  crust,  wh<ch  was 
then  rent,  torn,  and  destroyed  by  the  billows  of 
liquid  fire  which  dashed  in  breakers  against  ihe 
shore,  hissing  and  sending  up  a  surf  of  lava* 
The  silver  thrown  by  Paula  made  an  instant's 
brighter  gleam  as  it  struck  and  melted;  the 
tobacco  vanished  in  a  little  puff  of  smoke*  As 
the  lake  blackened  again,  Fannie  turned  toward 
his  party*  The  sky,  too,  was  black  now  and 
he  could  scarcely  discern  the  figures  of  his  silent 
companions,  but  when,  with  a  crack  like  a  near 
thunder-peal  the  lake  surface  split  from  end  to 
end,  and  a  glare  of  surging  fire  lit  up  the  figures 
on  the  bank,  Fannie  saw  Ka-lei-puua  with  one 
hand  clasped  in  her  father's  hand,  the  other  in 
Burton's* 

It  was  late  when  they  returned  to  the  Vol 
cano  House*  The  signer  ordered  supper  and 
sat  down  by  the  blazing  log  fire  in  the  old, 
raftered  dining-room*  Fannie  walked  alone 
outside  for  some  time,  and  as  he  returned  he 
met  Burton  coming  from  the  dining-room* 
When  he  entered  the  signor  looked  up  and  ex 
tended  his  hand* 

44  It  is  chilly  here,  for  all  the  fire  we  saw 
down  there/'  he  said. 

265 


Mr.  Fuiinu'  llallowell. 

"It  is  chilly/'  Fannie  said,  shivering. 
The  signor   regarded    him  anxiously,  and 
then  said,  "  You  arc  ill,  my  son." 
"1  am  very  well,  only  cold." 
"And  I  have  just  what  you  need:  it  is  in 
my  room.   Won't  you  step  in  andj>et  it     a  flask?" 
Fannic  went   to   the   Manor's  room,  which, 
like  all  those  lacing  the   volcano,  opened  on  the 
veranda.     1  le  found  the  flask  and  was  just  leav 
ing  when  two  figures,  outlined  by  the  volcano's 
glow,  met  on  the  grass  in   front  of   the  veranda. 
He   had  no  time   io  disclose  himself  or   retreat. 
He  heard  Burton's  voice  : 

"Ka  lei-puua,  darling!   Your  father  says- 
He  turned   the  girl's  radiant  face  up  to  his 
and  kissed  her  lips. 


"Paula,"  said  Fannie,  finding  his  servant 
on  the  veranda,  "what  is  your  silver  piece  by 
this  time?" 

"Lava  "  said  Paula. 

"  And  you:  tobacco? " 

"Smoke." 

"  What  \\-ould  become  of  me  if  1  jumped  in 
there,  Paula  ?  "  asked  Fannie  smiling. 

"Smoke,  too,"  Paula  said  sadly,  as  he 
looked  into  Fannie's  face,  though  Fannie  smiled 

And  it  was  so. 

300 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY, 

BERKELEY 



THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 

Books  not  returned  on  time  are  subject  to  a  fine  of 
50c  per  volume  after  the  third  day  overdue,  increasing 
to  $1.00  per  volume  after  the  sixth  day.  Books  not  in 
demand  may  be  renewed  if  application  is  made  before 
expiration  of  loan  period. 


•      MAR18V9CG 


20w-l,'22 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


